The State of Beer Commercials, Spring 2012

Greetings, fellow mouth breathers and changelings! The economy is hit or miss, the world seems slightly less stable, and Philly is still full of jerks. Yet the State of Beer Commercials remains strong.

Pitbull: easily the Bud Light of music.

These beer commercials have passed through the rigors of marketing, taste evaluation, and sales, the triple filter of business, then shot through a vortex delivery system straight to your eyeballs. I bet you almost forgot that you were watching Miller Lite commercials. Let’s see what we have on tap today!

Shock Top: End of the World

This is a very short commercial and the only thing I can really think is, jeez, that guy is awfully calm with the knowledge of the world ending. Even if I was several Shock Tops in, I would probably at least call my parents up and maybe cry a little before floating the “hey since the world’s ending, we’re even on all those outstanding debts, right?” suggestion. I’m not even sure beer would be my weapon of choice when faced with an end-of-the-world scenario. Maybe a bottle of vinegar. Oh, what’s that? It’s too tart? Well guess what, we won’t have tart in about 15 minutes. And I never liked you. There, I said it. Don’t even bother getting mad- the world is ending.

Score:

1/5 cold ones

 

Heineken: The Date

Sure this one has been around since the winter, but it’s really the latest that Heineken has to offer. And they should just give up on commercials after this, because they’re not going to do any better. Big horns, bright colors, no stupid dialogue. What I presume to be a high-end Chinese restaurant. A movie feature in a minute and a half! Makes me almost want to drink a Heineken, so it must be a damn good commercial.

Score:

4.5/5 cold ones

Miller Lite: The Punch-Top Can

Most companies out there are very concerned about how their product delivers. Is my toy fun? Is my pillow soft? Is my chip crunchy? Miller Lite is well beyond that phase. The folks at Miller know their biggest concern isn’t what, but how. How can I get this incredible tasting product to a young, hip person’s mouth in a more effective fashion? The answer, of course, is to poke another hole in the can. Miller rolls out tens of thousands of dollars to give you something very familiar: young adults enjoying their beverages even MORE, thanks to this innovation. Much like breathing or sex, the more holes, the better. But no punchlines or frat humor to be found? What is this, science fair? This better not cause me to become any smarter, or I’m swearing off big blue.

Score:

1.5/5 cold ones

Budweiser: Eternal Optimism

Since I didn’t pay attention to anything in high school, I assume the commercial accurately portrays historical events, or at least the feelings people felt during them.

Prohibition over: grab a beer (finally!). It’s 1933, and it’s not like anybody is working anyways.
World War II ends: grab a victory beer, hoist flag, leave paper all over streets. Clean up is for Europe and Japan!
Advent of rock music: grab a rebellious, greasy beer
WE LANDED ON THE MOON!: grab a moon beer
Disco era: grab a beer between lines.
Miracle on Ice: do you believe in grabbing beers?
Other random times during the 80s, 90s, and now: just keep drinking

I think the point is that Budweiser has been there through all of these times, when we felt good about where things were going. I’m not sure whether now is one of those times.  But I sure as hell enjoy a catchy-ass guitar riff from The Cult.

Score:

3/5 cold ones

 

Bud Light: Rescue Dog

Good thing that dog was rescued so he can carry alcoholic beverages around to lazy 20-somethings. I feel like people that find this commercial funny should have to donate to their local shelter.

Score:

0.5/5 cold ones

 

Hopefully this summer gives us a few more gems as well as not-gems. Keep churning out those commercials, beer companies, lest I run out of material. I know you have a few more good ones locked away somewhere in those beer-soaked brains. I remain eternally optimistic.

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