It’s arrived. The long off-season that seemed like it would never end finally…ended. I know some people really like to go for broke in the off-season and take extravagant vacations and broaden their horizons. I prefer to relax and make sure I’m well-rested for the start of the next season. Don’t get me wrong, I kept busy. To keep my mind sharp I wrote recaps and power rankings of my weekends. Fortunately, at least from the perspective of all the geo-cachers and bar skanks I called out, those were left on Hamsterdam’s cutting room floor.
This season our Bachelorette is Emily Maynard
If you’re not familiar with her, Emily was the winner a few seasons ago on The Bachelor, but (in a rare occurrence for the show) the relationship didn’t work out. Emily was engaged prior to her run on The Bachelor, but her fiance tragically died in an airplane crash. She found out shortly thereafter that she was pregnant. So in addition to coming across like a classy sweetheart, she’s a devoted and responsible single mom to her daughter Ricki. She’s basically the Darkwing Duck to Courtney’s Nega-Duck
So let’s get
dangerous this show on the road:
-We’re doing The Bachelorette in Charlotte? Why? So that Emily can be close to her kid? I guess it doesn’t matter because they are going to travel all over the world week to week. Right? RIGHT?!? I really need to be able to make jokes about geography or I am going to be out of practice for the Olympics this summer.
-It’s really mean to make fun of an innocent child. Like really mean. But Ricki reminds me of Vigo the Carpathian:
Look, I just want to squeeze as many Ghostbusters II references in as I can this season.
-Emily tells Chris Harrison that her goal is to be married and have a minivan full of kids in 5 years. You’ve come a long way, baby.
-The guys show up and introduce themselves. Worst line of the awkward introductions at the front door: This was a tough call, but I have to go with “The name is Charming. Prince Charming.” Since when does Prince Charming talk like James Bond? I mean sure, they’re both British (I think?). But Prince Charming is probably more of a traditional charmer and less of a date rapist. Well done, Tony from Beaverton, Oregon. You beat out the cross-dresser, the guy named “Wolf,” the guy who brought an ostrich egg, the skateboarder, and the b-boy dancer.
-Kalon arrives in a helicopter. He is a “luxury brand consultant.” Luxury Brand Consultant? What in the name of Emily’s dead fiance does that mean? From his vignette it seems like it only included trying on trendy looking suits all day and flying around in helicopters by night.
-The guys all set about trying to impress Emily. There was some minor bickering but not much exciting happened, I was really hoping for some alcoholism but to no avail. On to the rankings:
Best Moment: David gets sent home. In his little vignette before the episode really got underway, David described himself as a “singer/songwriter.” I’m guessing that is code for “works at a coffee shop for minimum wage.” David, describing his chances with Emily, said “we have these disparate facets that will converge.” I was pretty happy to see him fail.
Worst Moment: Brent thinks it is a good idea to be on this show with 6 kids. When he said he had 6 kids I thought he was joking or was talking about his ferrets or something, but no, he was serious. He has six kids. Dude, you have SIX KIDS. First of all, what the hell is going on with you that you have six kids and no interesting back story for having that many kids and being single? What became of their mom(s)? Second of all, if you really have six kids, please stay at home and take care of them. I’m positive that is why Emily sent him home at the end of the night. But Brent even having the notion that being away from his six kids for so long was a good idea makes him the worst.
My rankings are based on an arbitrary combination of my guesses on their chances at winning, their entertainment value, how much
I want their big strong arms wrapped around me respect their game, and how easy it is to make cheap jokes at their expense.
6. Alejandro (Mushroom farmer, 27)
I just picked him because I thought he looked like Jean Ralphio from Parks and Rec.
5. Arie (Race car driver, 30)
Arie is a race car driver. Emily’s dead ex was a race car driver. So he had an interesting strategy to immediately bring up the most painful moment of her life when he got a moment alone with her. But it worked! If he can keep thinking of things that will remind her of traumatic moments maybe he will stick around.
4. Doug (Realtor, 33)
Doug got the first impression rose this week. He’s also a single parent, and he tugged at Emily’s heart strings by presenting her with a letter from his son. She loved it, but I thought it was blatant pandering. I don’t know if that will pay off in the long term. Plus, he just used his trump card in the first hand of the game.
3. Ryan (Personal trainer, 31)
When he showed up and introduced himself, he got the best body language reaction from Emily. That’s right, I can read body language. Don’t slump down in disgust when you read this.
2. Jef (Entrepreneur, 31)
I can’t decide how I feel about Jef. Everything about him screams douche. The Bruno Mars haircut. The skateboard. The bottled water factory that he owns. The ONE FREAKING F IN HIS NAME. But despite acting like a humblebragging douche (“oh yeah, skateboarding in was no big deal”), he also somehow came across as really genuine. They had a really good vibe, but I wonder if she was just more impressed with how cool he was rather than attracted to him.
1. Chris (Corporate Sales Director, 25)
Chris came equipped with a bobblehead that resembled himself and one that resembled Emily. I thought that was a genius idea, so he gets the top spot this week.
BOLD PREDICTION: Kalon, the one-percenter who showed up in a helicopter, will tone down on the Romney caliber bragging next week and will endear himself to the other guys and to Emily.