The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week 2

Charlotte is soOoOoO excited to be hosting The Bachelorette!!  I’m sorry, but that was the only way to convey the southern drawl that greeted us at the start of this episode.

-First up is a one-on-one date for Ryan, the “professional sports trainer” (even though his video package last week just showed him doing Gymboree with some little kids).  They jump in a Tahoe and get on their way.  The camera on their car made it seem like one of those “Blind Date” episodes.

I expected some cheesy graphics to pop up showing their thought bubbles.  Their date is…making Ryan do chores for Emily.  “This is what life could be like if I was in her day to day life, it’s what life is like.”  Ryan, you are as deep as the V on the neck of your shirt my man. Then he waits in the car with a juicebox (?) while she hands out the halftime orange slices at Ricki’s soccer game. Later they get out of their cookie making clothes and head out on the town. A bunch of people in jorts with cell phone cameras are outside the restaurant taking pictures, I guess that is the south’s paparazzi.

Ryan had an interesting quote, it was something like “Are you ready to have a guy come in and treat Ricki the same way that he’d treat the other children he has with you?”  No, Ryan.  She is torn on whether she wants a guy to treat her daughter well or not.  Ryan runs 8th grade caliber game, and Emily loves every minute of it. They go to a concert. He gets the rose.

-Emily takes 13 guys on a group date to the theater, where they are going to work with THE FUCKING MUPPETS!!  This is without a doubt, 100%, the best date I have ever seen or heard of. I would kill someone in an airplane crash while their pregnant wife waited at home in Charlotte to get in on this date. I can’t even concentrate on what these idiots are saying because I’m so jealous.  Charlie is nervous because he lost his face in a Nic Cage related incident and it affects his ability to perform.

Emily tells him he doesn’t have to perform, but then he ends up being called up on stage to do improv with Miss Piggy anyway. He performs admirably under the circumstances.  The rest of the performances go off without a hitch.  There’s a cocktail party later, but it’s boring without Muppets.  Jef gets the rose.

-Back at the house someone says that he understands why Emily wouldn’t want the guys to meet her daughter yet, “because you never know if he’s a serial killer or something.”  I don’t know who said that, but Emily should send him home.  Because he sounds like a serial killer who is scared of getting outed.

–Stevie the MC from New Jersey has a problem with Kalon.  An MC from New Jersey is being an asshole?  I’m SHOCKED! It turns out Kalon is an asshole too, but you expect that from a luxury brand consultant even moreso than a New Jersey native.

-Next up is a one-on-one date for Joe.  They are taking a flight to Wild and Wonderful West Virginia! They’re going to Greenbrier Resort, a historic getaway for Presidents, celebrities, and trashy West Virginians when those first two groups got tired of it.  Joe says “there’s no where else I’d rather be than here with you” approximately 9 times.  Their conversation has the chemistry of a job interview, except with ample opportunity for them to sip wine during the awkward pauses. Emily doesn’t feel “the spark,” and she sends Joe home.  I respect the honesty she showed.  Though it does suck for Joe that they had to take such a long trip to get up there that it is going to be a long trip back to wherever he’s from.  There aren’t too many airports within, oh, ONE HUNDRED MILES of Greenbrier.  Nothing like getting rejected and then having a long car ride to a regional airport, a flight to a real airport, and then a flight to wherever you’re from all before you can get your luggage back.

-The pre Rose Ceremony cocktail party goes down with all of the usual jealousy and bickering.  Ryan scribbled down a twenty page love letter and had Emily read it out loud while Tony watches and refuses to intervene.  That’s one of those big dog vs. little dog moments that this show is great for.

Best Moment:  Emily tells Ryan that the dinner portion of their date will be at Chuck E Cheese, where he has to babysit the soccer team.  He says “cool,” but you could just tell that he was contemplating jumping out of the car and running back to the gym, never to return.  [I picture him living in the basement of a gym]  But it turns out she was kidding!  I don’t know why, but I thought that was hilarious. Total mom humor, but I loved it.

Worst Moment:  The guys performing “Rainbow Connection” needed to have the lyrics right in front of them on little sheets of paper. Really? It’s not exactly that complicated of song to pick up in an afternoon of training with the Muppets.  And you really should know most of the words by virtue of watching The Muppets thousands of times anyway.  That’s totally normally, right?

Power Rankings:

6.  Doug (Realtor, 33)

He didn’t get much one on one time with Emily this week, but I think the single dad pandering will keep him in this thing at least until all of the filler guys get knocked out in the next week or two.

5. Kalon (Luxury Brand Consultant, 27)

I think Emily likes Kalon, or at least sees some potential in him.  More importantly, the show clearly is trying to set him up as this season’s villain.  Maybe it’s because I’m an asshole myself, but Kalon doesn’t seem like that much of an asshole to me.  He has made a jerk comment or two, but the people hating on him like Stevie strike me as total degenerates anyway.  So being hated on by them is a compliment.  That’s right, everyone is complimenting you Kalon.

4. Arie (Race car driver, 30)

Arie said he’s surprised that she has never been to Scottsdale.  Really?  Anyways, she says she’s in to him and so does her body language

3.  Chris (Corporate Sales Director, 25)

He was only with her for a few minutes, but she definitely digs him.  They both said the exact same thing to each other this week too.  “Durrr, yerrr purrrty.”  It was really touching.

2.  Jef (Entrepreneur, 31)

Jef has a Footloose situation going on here.  That probably isn’t the best analogy, but I picture Emily’s dad being kind of like Jon Lithgow from that movie.  My point is they couldn’t seem any farther apart.  He’s a hipster entrepreneur who skateboards around because it’s green.  He wears a tie to crappy bars and sneakers to fancy restaurants.  She’s a southern belle housewife. But I think she sees herself as the loving country girl that might need to be rescued by the kind-hearted city boy.  I’m not projecting AT ALL, I swear.  Jef is in this for the long haul.

1.  Ryan (Personal Trainer, 31)

Ryan’s personality basically consists of “I’m a southern gym guy and you’re really pretty.”  And Emily is down with that.  I don’t know if he can sustain the success, but he had a great date with her so he earned the top spot this week.

BOLD PREDICTION:  They had the guys discuss this week when they thought they’d get to meet Ricki.  I’m sure Emily has in mind that only the final 3-4 will get to officially meet her, but I think the pressure might be on sooner rather than later for the guys to get to show off their skills with little girls.  No, wait, I phrased that wrong.  I mean Emily wants to see if they’re touched by her daughter…..Forget it, no bold prediction this week.

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