The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week 3

We’re still in Charlotte!  I know that normally they don’t start their world travels until the show gets  a few weeks in, but it is more noticeable when it is in Charlotte than Los Angeles.  I don’t have any great love for LA, but at least the paparazzi there are busy chasing around important people like Kim Kardashian and River Phoenix instead of Emily Maynard.

First up is a one-on-one date for Chris.  They have to climb up the side of a building to dinner.  This is a standard Bachelor/Bachelorette date.  I don’t know why.  Oh wait, I know why, they get to make stupid metaphorical statements:  “I want a man who stays by my side in tough times, and Chris passed the test.”  Chris actually just kind of dangled there a few feet away from you while you panicked.  If she was impressed by Chris’ knack for hanging around, motionless while she goes through a crisis, then she would be floored by me.  Hit me up on twitter, Emily.

Emily is concerned that Chris is 25 because someone that age might not be ready to be a parent.  Does Emily know that she is 27?  Does she know that she had a kid when she was 21?  Obviously not all 25 year olds are ready to be parents.  Actually, there are plenty of parents of all ages that aren’t ready to be parents.  Maybe you should judge on a case-by-case basis whether you think someone is mature enough to be a parent instead of going by a calendar.  Chris assures her that he is mature enough, he gets the rose.  They go to a Luke Bryan concert.  I don’t listen to country music, but I feel like country concerts are probably more fun than concerts of any other genre.  The lyrics to every country song are all about being outside, drinking beer, dancing, driving trucks, and falling in love.  That’s so much more fun than songs about problems

Especially songs about 99 problems

-Emily and 11-12 guys (it’s tough to get an exact count when there are still so many generic guys around) head to the park.  The guys casually toss around a football, not knowing that her friends are laying in wait.  Emily has asked her friends to interview the guys and weed out any who might not be husband/dad material. Or, in short, asked them to do what every woman does in the first 15 seconds of talking to a guy at a bar. Some of the friends asked tough questions about priorities, family, dating history.  Others asked the guys to dance and do push-ups. Sean and Doug seemed to get the best reviews.

After the tough interviews, Emily has the guys play with a bunch of kids to see who’s comfortable and who isn’t.  Stevie the MC from Jersey looked uncomfortable because he is violating Megan’s Law on camera.  Sean gets the rose.  Mainly on the basis of his abs.

– Next up is a one-on-one date with Ari.  They head to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee to visit Dollywood.

I can’t believe this place actually exists

There’s an amusement park not far from Charlotte, but you had to fly to Tennessee instead?  Not very green, guys.  The park is empty. Some would consider that to be romantic, but it would freak me out.  Crowds and screaming teens are part of the fun of amusement parks.  Plus, empty amusement parks are textbook horror movie fodder, so I couldn’t do that date without constantly checking over my shoulder for Freddy/Jason/Dolly Parton.  Speak of the devil- Dolly Parton, wearing high-heeled boots, carrying a guitar, and sporting an outfit visible from outer space, manages to sneak up on Emily and give her a surprise performance.   After a dinner where Emily and Ari have some pretty direct conversations about their expectations, Ari gets the rose.

-Back at the mansion, Alessandro says that being a dad would be a “compromise” for him.  Emily thinks that maybe there was a miscommunication, so asks him to clarify.  He says that it would be a compromise because he would not be able to travel as much as he likes.  I don’t think words, in English or Portugese, can accurately convey how uncomfortable the conversation was after that moment. He is sent home.  He says that he enjoys living like a “gypsy king,” so maybe it’s for the best.  Ari and Sean strike while the iron is hot and get some sexy make out sessions in under the guise of consoling Emily.

-Side note:  I thought “gypsy king” was a really funny phrase.  Obviously it isn’t something that anyone says a lot.  And also, gypsies to this day are still second class citizens across Europe, so “gypsy king” sounds kind of like a back-handed compliment rather than something you would pridefully call yourself.  To cover my bases and make sure that “gypsy king” wasn’t some hip new saying that I was unaware of, I Googled it.  Nothing much came up, except several pictures of a particular horse.  Is this horse the gypsy king?

Certainly a handsome horse, but is he a gypsy king?

-Stevie the MC goes home at the rose ceremony.  That isn’t very notable, except there were two or three guys who to my recollection have not said ANYTHING on camera since introducing themselves to Emily.  So she must really hate Stevie.  Once again we’re on the same page.

Best Moment:  Kalon has an entire spiel prepared about how ready he is to be a dad to Ricki.  In the middle of it Emily decides to offer her opinion, and Kalon says “I love hearing you talk, but it’d be nice if you’d let me finish.”  Insulting her is a great way to get her to really hear your message and not focus on what a dick you just were to her.  He gets a rose though, so once again being an asshole pays off.  The Bachelorette  and Mad Men both reflect real life in that respect.

Worst Moment:  Tony and his popped collar are very upset about how much they miss their son. And Emily sends him home because of it! Talk about mixed messages.  She wants someone who is serious about being a dad, but not so serious that you miss your kid when you’re away from him apparently.  I was expecting Tony to say that he wanted to go home.  That would have been understandable.  But I was not expecting Emily to say “hey, you are a little too sad about missing your son.  Get out.”

Power Rankings:

6.  Kalon (Luxury brand consultant, 27)

Kalon had the best line of the episode and I think he intrigues her.  She is a southern girl, but she is definitely interested in branching out.  Maybe because picking a southern douche straight out of central casting didn’t work out for her when she was on The Bachelor.  But Kalon is on thin ice after condescending to Emily about interrupting.

5.  Ryan (Gym guy, 31)

Ryan takes a big fall this week.  He doesn’t have much personality beyond his jaw line and muscles, and that was apparent this week.  He seems like he’s used to girls throwing themselves at him and is perplexed that he hasn’t already won the show. He’s going to have to actually compete if he’s going to beat out the other top contenders here.

4.  Doug (Dad, 33)

Doug didn’t get much time in this episode, but with Emily putting such a big emphasis on someone who is ready to be a dad, I think Doug could have staying power if he can conceal any underlying personality disorders.

3.  Jef (Entrepreneur, 31)

He wasn’t on camera very much this week, but he also didn’t do anything to change the fact that Emily clearly has a crush on him.  His task has to be to stick around long enough for the herd to be thinned so he can get some real time with her.

2. Chris (Corporate Sales Director, 25)

I pegged Chris from the beginning as someone who has that “spark” with Emily, and I think this episode confirmed that.  They had a great date, and he seemed like he overcame the obstacle of her not wanting to date a 25 year old.

1.  Arie (Race car driver, 30)

It seems like a lazy cop out to put the two guys who had one-on-one dates in the top two, but Chris seems like he has a good connection with her and Arie really knocked it out of the park on his date.  He’s not from the south, so visiting Dollywood was probably like visiting the Moon to him.  But he rolled with it and they had a great time.  He also was the first to make sure to console her after the Gypsy King told her how unexcited he was about being a dad.  He’s a force to be reckoned with.

BOLD PREDICTION:

It seems like 90% of the men who sign up to compete on this show are both attention whores and have anger issues.  When Emily actually gets to know the guys well enough to start having favorites, that means the guys used to being the center of attention and with short fuses start to become unstable.  I think next week we see our first senseless meltdowns of the season.  Tears, anger, maybe a little shoving.  Not based on something understandable such as missing your son, but based on something like “I WANTED 40 SECONDS WITH EMILY BUT HE CUT ME OFF AFTER 30!”

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