The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week 4

Finally.  We’re leaving Charlotte.  Ricki is coming along, but she’s not going on any dates.  So she’s not Sally Draper just yet.  Interpret that how you will, or ignore it if you are a philistine and don’t watch Mad Men.  Either way, we’re on to Bermuda!

Emily says “I can’t wait to come back to Bermuda with my husband.”  My reaction: “awwww.”  Then Emily says “And maybe I’ll be pregnant or pushing a baby stroller.”  My reaction:

-Doug gets the first one-on-one date.  Prior to the date, we found out that Doug has some anger issues.  A few of the guys teased him for being nervous. His reaction is to freak out, threaten them, and use the word “bro” excessively.  Not a good look, BRO.  Do you see what I did there?

Emily and Doug go shopping around the town of St. George and then go to dinner.  Doug goes into Dad-mode around Emily, and she sees through it.  You can only throw slogans at a girl for so long before she wonders if you are a real person or Siri- someone who just tells you what you want to hear. She grills him a little bit, and he survives and gets the rose.

-Next up is a group date.  Emily and 8 of the dudes are going sailing.  The guys are divided into teams.  The winners of the sailboat race get more time with Emily.  The losers return in humiliation to their 5-star hotel with its free food and booze.  The race was close, one team wins and one team loses.

The “victory party” afterwards is just an excuse for the guys to get some lengthy one-on-one time with Emily.  Arie pours his heart out and makes out with her.  Jef also pours his heart out, but doesn’t make a move, which somehow only makes her want him more.  I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Kalon lays down some game. Ryan throws gym slogans at her and says he thinks she’s being a bad role model for making out with Arie.  Ultimately, Jef gets the rose.  This guy is going places, folks.

-Next up is a two-on-one date.  Two men enter, one man leaves.  It is John, who calls himself “Wolf” even though no one else does, vs. Nate.  They head out on a yacht to go jumping off of cliffs and for dinner in caves.  Neither guy seems to be making much of an impression. They keep toasting to each other and saying how much fun they’re having.  Nate goes home, Wolf gets the rose but he definitely shouldn’t feel secure with his position.

-Back at the house, Doug and Ryan seem a little upset that Emily is kissing guys.  They agree that you don’t have to kiss a girl for her to like you.  Ehhh, not sure about that one, guys.  And my main source of relationship advice, Sebastian the crab, really disagrees

Sha-la-la-la-la-la my oh my

-Earlier in the show, Doug and Ryan had said something about how some guys in the contest are more mature than others because they are older than 25.  Chris, who is 25 took offense at this.  So he pulls Doug aside to basically tell him that he doesn’t like him.  I don’t really like Doug either, but this is pointless.  If you don’t like him, just ignore him.  I’m pretty sure that was Sebastian the crab advice too.

-At the rose ceremony, Charlie (the man with no face) and Michael (who? That’s not a Mike Jones joke, I seriously don’t know who this guy is) go home.

Best Moment:  This whole thing was kind of a shitty ad for Bermuda.  I’ll bet ABC gets all kinds of deals to accommodate them when they have to travel around with a whole crew of production staff and eligible bachelors, but the locales allow it because they get free promotion.  While the views of Bermuda were nice, the fact that everyone was shivering and fighting over blankets wasn’t too appealing.  Come to Bermuda, the tropical island where you will freeze your ass off!

Worst Moment:  Charlie cried after losing the sailing contest.  Hard.  Some crying is acceptable in this show.  The guys who cry because they miss their kids?  Sure, we can allow that.  But sobbing because you lost a contrived contest to get to spend an extra hour with Emily?  Get a hold of yourself and look at the positives.  I mean, you dream about going up there, but that is a big mistake.  Just look at the world around you.  Right here on the ocean floor.  Such wonderful things surround you, what more is you looking for? Under the sea.  Under the sea.

Power Rankings:

6.  Ryan (Gym, 31)

Ryan continues his fall in the rankings.  I do get the sense that he was the victim of some unfair editing, I think he was supposed to be the “villain” this week.  He’s not a villain.  But he’s clearly a moron.  He has no depth beyond his bench pressing numbers, and on top of that he doesn’t think it is morally acceptable for Emily to kiss men before marriage.  He might be able to hang around for a few more weeks, but he needs to raise his game if he wants to be a contender.

5.  Doug (Dad, 33)

Doug got called out twice this episode, once by Emily and once by Chris, for just always saying the perfect thing at the perfect moment.  And I don’t think he did anything to effectively rebut that charge.  He also showed some disturbing anger issues.  Doug has to get past the “HI THIS IS A NETWORKING EVENT SO I AM GOING TO SHAKE YOUR HAND AND LAUGH AT ALL OF YOUR JOKES” mantra.  He brings up his son alot, and Emily can appreciate that, but your son isn’t the answer to everything.  Emily wants a personality, not just a generic dad.  Doug has to step up his game.

4.  Chris (Corporate Sales Director, 25)

Chris was upset this week that some guys implied he was immature.  But his reaction to it was entirely immature.  At first he went to Emily and reaffirmed that he thinks he is mature enough to be with her and be a dad.  Good.  But when he went after Doug that really wasn’t a good look.  Chris definitely can’t be counted out just yet, but that was a disturbing moment for me.

3.  Jef (Entrepreneur, 31)

Emily definitely likes Jef.  He is opening up to her, but still hasn’t made a move, but she was fine with that.  I think he is still in the top tier of contenders, but there’s only so long before Emily will get tired of waiting for him to make a move.  I think he’s banking on getting a one-on-one date soon and he’ll try to make that his opportunity to truly shine [translation: he’ll make out with Emily].

2.  Sean (Insurance agent, 28)

Sean has had a good few weeks, but this week he really stormed onto the scene.  He barely got any time with her, but all of it was spent making out.  If I can play body language expert again, he could not have gotten better signals from Emily if he was Prince Eric getting frantic gestures from Ariel after she lost her voice to Ursula.  Yeah, it is that serious.

1.  Arie (Race car driver, 30)

No one did enough to knock Arie out of the top spot, and Emily definitely is quite fond of him.  As Chris Harrison pointed out, she giggled like an idiot/school girl when his name was mentioned.  I will say, though, I saw some chinks in his armor tonight.  It seemed like he put a little too many cards on the table and was trying a little too hard.  He is practically on the verge of proposing to her after just one date. Emily wants these guys to put themselves out there, but like all people she probably also would be turned off by someone who is ready to get married after two weeks.  Arie is still in good shape, but he has to play the game right.

BOLD PREDICTION   This week we really eliminated most of the filler.  All of the guys left are guys that we recognize and that we know something about and that we’ve seen get time with Emily.  So the contest really begins next week.  I predict pain.

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