The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week 5

Emily and 10 guys are in London.  Only 28 days after leaving Bermuda

Or less, I don’t know.

-Sean gets the first one-on-one date.  His reaction?  “Stoked.”  Come on, man.  Emily and Sean take a tour in a double-decker bus.  There isn’t actually a tour guide that I can see, it seems like they’re just pointing out buildings that they think are famous.  Sean climbs up on top of a soapbox and goes on a rant about love.  Emily is eating it up, I thought he sounded like a crazed propaganda minister.  If they ever talked about love.

There is no love. No rose can be given. Ryan will surrender. We shall bathe in the blood of Kalon.

They’re having dinner in the Tower of London.  Very romantic to have dinner in the same place where freedom fighters, religious minorities, Sir Walter Raleigh, and so many illegitimate children of King Henry suffered and died.  I’ve never watched Downton Abbey, that’s what happened right? No, don’t tell me, I’m going to watch it eventually I swear.  Sean does a great job and get’s the crown jewels from Emily.  By “crown jewels” I mean “the rose,” pervos.

-Next up is a group date.  Emily and 8 of the guys head to Stratford-upon-Avon for a Shakespeare themed date.  Emily is a bit of a Shakespeare expert, not only did she see 10 Things I hate about you, the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo and Juliet, but she also watched most of “Shakespeare in Love.”

The guys act out a few scenes with her, and it’s safe to say that whoever actually wrote all of Shakespeare’s plays is rolling in his grave.  That’s right, I said it!  The guys find out they have to perform in front of a live audience and freak out. So pouring out your heart and soul in an attempt to get engaged on national tv?  No jitters.  Perform a scene of Shakespeare in front of some tourists? “MY WORST NIGHTMARE”- Arie.

Afterwards, Kalon melts down that he isn’t getting enough alone time with her, and complains that he gets to spend time with a “tired mom who has to go home to her kid.”  Kalon also referred to Ricki as “baggage.”  Doug tells Emily, “because saying Ricki is baggage is like saying Austin is baggage.”  Hey, Doug, stfu about your baggage for once and let Emily talk.  And talk she does:

“I wanna go West Virginia hoodrat, backwoods on his ass.”  I don’t like the sound of ANY of that.  Kalon gets the boot.  And NOBODY gets a rose, because Emily is upset that none of the guys told her about this earlier.  Even the guys that just found out about it, apparently.

-Jef gets the next one-on-one, he’s happy that he’s finally getting the opportunity, but Emily is bringing some baggage.  NOT RICKI!  She is still upset about Kalon! That’s the only baggage she has!  Their date is afternoon tea with an etiquette coach.  That doesn’t sound like anybody’s idea of fun, not even the etiquette coach.  They head out to a pub for dinner, then dessert on the London Eye.

Some sparks fly, Jef gets the rose.  Most successful etiquette-themed date ever?

-The shadow of Kalon still hangs over the house, as Emily is still concerned that some of the guys didn’t “fight” for her.  Sean and Ryan do a good job of manning up, Arie doesn’t.

-Alejandro, the successful mushroom farmer, is sent home at the rose ceremony.  I’m sure he’ll land on his feet.

Best Moment:  As Kalon is trying desperately to explain himself, Emily totally owns him by saying “I love to hear you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.”   FLAWLESS VICTORY.

Worst Moment:  Emily was justified in her immediate reaction to the Kalon debacle, but taking it out on the other guys afterwards didn’t make much sense to me.  Especially when she  said “I want to fight my own battles, but I also want a guy who will fight my battles for me.”  That’s one of those unreasonable paradoxes you expect to hear in the heat of the moment, but she was thinking clearly and dead serious.

Power Rankings:

6. Chris (Corporate Sales Director, 25)

Chris didn’t get much time this week, so he didn’t do anything bad, but he also didn’t do anything to solidify his position.  With the number of guys remaining rapidly dwindling, all of the guys left have to step up their game.  After evaluating the competition, I just don’t know if Chris has it in him.

5.  Doug (Snitch, 33)

Doug brings absolutely nothing to the table except being a dad, it is ALL he can talk about.  Emily wants a guy who is ready to be a dad, and Doug meets that requirement.  But she probably also wants a guy who has his own personality.  Doug is still only dad talk and positive slogans.

4.  Ryan (Something with a gym, 31)

I see two possible outcomes for Ryan.  1) He sticks his foot in his mouth again with another “don’t gain weight or I’ll dump ya hyuk hyuk” comment and gets the boot.  Or, 2) Emily recognizes that he has the brains, personality, soul, and temperment of a rock, but she has him pegged for the fantasy suite so he’s locked in for a few more weeks.

3.  Arie (Race car driver, 30)

I think Arie is still in the top tier, but he took a fall this week.  When Emily semi-confronted him about not snitching on Kalon, he really fell apart.  There were other guys that also didn’t tell her about Kalon, but they recovered much better.  Arie has to get it together or he’s going to find himself getting lapped by the field.  Because he’s a race car driver.

2.  Jef (Entrepreneur, 31)

Jef and Emily had a great date, in spite of their poor etiquette.  There looks like there’s alot of chemistry there.  I’m not entirely sure they have a ton in common though.  Jef also needs to develop a bit of a killer instinct.  Guys like Ryan are getting her drunk and pulling her into rooms and closing curtains.  He doesn’t need to be that rapey forward, but he has to be at least a little aggressive.

1.  Sean (Insurance agent, 28)

Like Jef, Emily seems to be really into his nice guy vibe.  But unlike Jef he has been driving hard in the paint, and it’s paying off.  He also has much more of the “aw shucks” southern thing going on, and you know that has to appeal to someone who described herself as “West Virginia hoodrat backwoods.”

BOLD PREDICTION:   According to the “next week on” video, they are going to Croatia next week.  I predict ethnic tensions will arise, most likely involving Ryan.

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