famed linguistic theorist person with a lot of free time on his hands, I like to spend my afternoons curled up on my favorite cushioned seat and think about the amazing combinatorial powers of the English language. While German allows you to string together several words at a time to exponentially increase the “Boy, does he sounds angry!” factor, English is still my preferred language for linguistic aerobics, due to the fact that I actually understand and can read a USA Today without having to look up too many words.
At this point, I’m ready to make my mark upon the world, and instead of my regular method of peeing on everything I see, I’ll take the Shakespearean route of adding my own twists to the English language. Consider yourself lucky, America, because I just had quite a bit of asparagus.
1. Breadtime (noun)
Okay, I know Panera is technically the Latin (read: hot-blooded) portmanteau for breadtime, but Latin is dead and English is hobbling along just fine. Breadtime is when you stuff a piece of bread into your mouth right before your 7-hour trip to Slumberland. Going to bed hungry is a very serious crime in my book, and I plan to clean up these streets. When I have kids, I look forward to announcing breadtime, and seeing their chubby little faces light up as I tuck them in and cram two slices of Arnold’s multigrain into their mouth. Sweet dreams, my hypothetical future progeny. And I don’t expect any legal troubles or copyright issues from Panera; if anything, I think this will increase their bread sales, and complement their corporate mission of providing customers with mediocre, reasonably-priced food.
2. Flexercise (verb)
You know how whenever you go to the gym..fuck it, who am I kidding? If you’re reading hamsterdam, looking beefy is probably the last thing on your small, disturbed mind. That said, you don’t have to go to the gym to know that there is always that one guy spending ungodly amounts of time looking into the mirror. One of two things is going on here: either there is someone on the other side and intimidation is necessary, or, we have a gentleman flexercising. Flexercise is a tough regiment that requires careful hand-eye coordination in order to lift a weight and look at yourself lifting a weight at the same time. Consult a doctor or a brah before attempting, and make sure to commit to it 100%. I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone that lacking serious narcissism.
3. Cariboutique (noun)
I’m really looking forward to these popping up in New York and LA. Already all the rage in Scandinavia, Cariboutiques combine all the small-time charm of a neighborhood establishment with the big-show atmosphere of a forced cage fight with a wild animal. Go ahead, try on that dress, but a large hooven mammal will be ready to antler your backside if you spend more than 5 minutes inside the store. I have a feeling this will be a huge hit with the guys.
4. Hamputation (noun) (verb, hamputate)
In the event of one of our writers leaving Hamsterdam for good, we’ll put together some kick-ass graphic labeling the loss as a hamputation. It’ll probably look similar to the one above with one of those USDA choice meat stamps. Our readers should be so lucky.
We’ll add some more portmanteaus as soon as we can think of them, because thinking takes us a while. Hopefully we can return Webster’s to the preeminent spot it once enjoyed, now occupied by Urban. Thanks for reading, and enjoy the loaf of rye I left for you by the bedside table. It’s delicious.