The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week 9

We are down to the final three!  Emily takes us and her three final suitors to Curacao!

I’m sorry, my keyboard doesn’t have the fancy letter that a Curacao is supposed to have. I could probably download it, but my keyboard is American and I don’t want it honoring crazy letters from other languages.  Even though it was made it Taiwan.

The home run derby is going on during this episode, so I’m thankful to Emily for giving me safe haven from Chris Berman.  But on this, one of baseball’s greatest nights, you’ll have to forgive me if I make way too many baseball analogies and jokes tonight.  Here’s hoping that Emily hits for the cycle tonight!

-Before the dates there is a glorified clip show of how we got to this point.  This is useless, inexplicable filler.  Like a Zac Brown Band concert when you want to be watching people hit home runs.


The first date goes to Sean.  Tonight, Sean is Robinson Cano.

Robbie is the defending champ and one of the favorites coming into tonight.  Sean is also the favorite of many enterting this week, and if I were a gambling man he’d probably be my pick.  [I am a gambling man, but no bookies will take my action on reality TV shows…yet]

Sean and Emily go on a tour in Kalon’s helicopter around Curacao.  A better writer would be able to describe the landscape they are looking at, but all I can say is “awesome.”  They head to a private island and have a chat about their relationship that has more than a few awkward pauses between Sean and Emily.  Then they headed snorkeling, where there were more than a few awkward pauses between Sean and a parrotfish

“But is he here for the right reasons,” asks the parrotfish

Sean gets the FANTASY SUITE invite, and just as I was getting ready to write perverted jokes, she kicks him out because she wants to set a good example or some crap.  Hey Emily, I feel like your daughter is going to be aware that you think it is ok to have sex with someone you are engaged to, because that’s how she was made! And do you really want her to ever watch this?  I actually don’t really care, I’m just a little upset I got robbed of the opportunity for immature jokes.  Baseball jokes will have to carry the day.


Jef is Andrew McCutchen

Just like Jef, I don’t think anyone would have guessed at the start of the season that ‘Cutch would be here at this point.  McCutchen shows surprising power for a center fielder, and Jef shows surprising staying power for a hipster.  And they both seem to have an interesting sense of humor

Jef and Emily are going sailing and swimming around the island. They have a ton of physical chemistry that didn’t seem like it was there earlier in their relationship.  They have a great conversation at dinner and he gets the fantasy suite invite but again they don’t spend the night together.  Stop calling it the fantasy suite, because this is no one’s fantasy Emily.  Just call it the “second date” suite.  Jef has warning track power.


Our final date is for Arie.  Arie is Matt Kemp

Arie and Kemp both got off to hot starts and they looked like locks for the MVP.  But they’ve both gotten a little sidetracked.  Kemp by injuries.  Arie by banging producers.

Emily and Arie are going swimming with dolphins.  I have wanted to swim with dolphins in the open ocean for most of my life so this looks really awesome, even though Emily is afraid of the dolphins somehow.  Then they have a great conversation about love and kids blah blah blah.  Arie doesn’t get the fantasy suite invite, but it is a technicality because she’s afraid that if she gives him the card that she won’t be able to force herself to kick him out of bed.  So Arie doesn’t get fantasy suite cred, but everyone knows he earned it


Emily is very torn  Usually at this point you have a pretty good inkling of who is going home, but this seems like it is genuinely tough call for her.  I’m so nervous I have to eat ribs

Jef and Arie get roses.  Sean goes home, Emily sobs.  She tells Sean that she wanted it to be him, but it just wasn’t there.  Sean seemed like a lock coming into this week, but maybe he got content and didn’t try hard enough.  And on the same night Robbie Cano hit zero home runs in the derby, Sean goes home.

Best Moment:  Jef says to Emily, “The way this has come together, it’s like a painting that I didn’t understand at first, but when I stepped back I was fully able to appreciate the masterpiece.”  I’ve never heard such a romantic description of one of those “magic eye” posters.

Worst Moments:  The whole fantasy suite dud thing.  Sure, maybe it would set a bad example and be a little strange to sleep with three guys in a week.  But still, at least let them spend the night!  You don’t have to sleep with them, you can just invite him back, stay up talking until he gets tired and passes out on the couch and then you go to bed and lock your bedroom door and don’t come out or answer your phone until after I leave.  Happens all the time in the real world, right?  RIGHT?!?

-I’m not ready to make a pick on the final week yet.  Jef and Arie have a lot in common so I’m having a hard time seeing who she likes better right now.  Next week we get the guys to come back and talk shit on each other, which should definitely provide me with clarity.

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