The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: The Men Tell All

Tonight the men tell all!

To spice things up I’m playing a drinking game. I probably should have published this BEFORE the show so that I’m not the only one playing.  Ah, well.  Here are the rules anyway, so you’ll understand if my typing becomes all drunky later on.

Drink:

-A douche who was kicked off in the first two weeks hogs the limelight

-The audience says “WOOOOOO” after something one of the dudes says

-Someone says “Right reasons”

Chug:

-Someone says “bro”

-Someone cries

Finish your beer:

-Chris Harrison slaps someone

-There’s a boring recap of the season so far, then a boring preview of bachelor pad, and now here come the guys.  Let’s see who we have: Randy (who?),  Aaron (who?), Joe, Charlie, Stevie (douche), Alessandro, Travis, Nate, Michael, Alejandro, Kalon, Ryan, Doug, Wolf, Tony, Chris, and Sean (who gets a goddamn standing ovation).

–They start off with the obligatory montage of the guys all shit talking each other behind each others backs to get the juices flowing.

-I’m not much on fashion, but Wolf is wearing pink pants and a Thurston Howell III blazer.  Very questionable.

-A bunch of losers yell at Kalon for being awesome, and he goes in the hot seat.  He reveals that he considered dropping out when he found out that she was the Bachelorette because he wasn’t sure if he was ready to be a dad.  Yeah, you probably should have dropped out Kalon because it’s pretty obvious that you’re a selfish asshole.  The sanctimony from everyone else bugs me though.  At least he’s honest- it WOULD be a big adjustment to date and marry a woman with a kid.  All these other guys who are swearing up and down that they love Ricki and want to be her dad when they haven’t even met her are creeping me out.  But I am several rums deep right now and I think that raises paranoia.  Kalon is on the Bachelor Pad.  I can’t bring myself to watch that show so it seems appropriate for Kalon

-Ryan goes in the hot seat, the other guys yell at him for being an arrogant ass. He continues being an arrogant ass.

-Now we talk to Chris, the guy who’s emotional instability became more and more obvious every week and continues to this day. He admits that he has anger problems.  Not really, but his anger was frightening.  He also is looking increasingly like a werewolf

-Next up is Sean.  The women in the audience can barely contain themselves.  So why did Emily eliminate him???? Asks Chris Harrison.  Sean is still aw shucks.  He seems like a nice guy, I’m glad he’s not doing Bachelor Pad

-Emily comes out and she looks REALLY happy. She is grinning ear to ear.  She has kind words for Sean, Chris, and Doug.  And then comes Kalon.  Kalon tries to apologize and Emily brings up several tweets where Kalon was trolling her.  She recites them word for word.  So she dominated that exchange.  But it is a little odd to me that she paid such close attention to Kalon’s twitter.  She eliminated him fairly early in the competition and is at this point presumably engaged, who gives a fuck what Kalon thinks?

FINAL PREDICTION:

I’m still torn on this one.  Arie and Jef have many similarities in that they both come across as two of the more laid-back, normal guys in the show.  Emily and Arie hit it off right away, and she keeps referring to Arie’s “edge.”  It started off slower with Jef, but I think his last few dates he knocked it out of the park better than any of the other guys.  It’s a close call, but I’m going with JEF.  He just seems more likeable.  Arie seems slightly phony, like maybe he is one of those guys who is on the show for the proverbial “wrong reasons.”  Something about him just rubs me the wrong way.  I didn’t like Jef at first because he seemed like a huge tool, but through the course of the season he’s come across to me as someone who not only has some depth of personality (unlike Sean), but is also being himself rather than playing a character.  I won’t be surprised if Arie ends up being the pick, but I think she’ll go for Jef, dune buggy and all.

 

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