Salutations, readers! You might have noticed that our staff had taken a two week hiatus from fresh blogging. We want to assure that this was anything but intentional. Imagine you’re going out of town, and you assume your three roommates are going to take care of your goldfish. We here are Hamsterdam like to think of ourselves as good roommates. That said, ripatranzone didn’t exactly tell us where the food was, and that water looked plenty clean to me (sorry about your fish).
Last week we witnessed what I’m sure was the low point of civilization: a battle over the soul of our country, starring a Chick-fil-A sandwich. Accusations of homophobia? Check. Fear of free-speech muffling? Check. Media feeding frenzy? Man we’re on a roll. Truly a battle royale on the badminton court of American politics, with the limp shuttlecock of truth sailing back and forth between conservatives and liberals. Lucky for us, there were plenty of cheap political points to go around, but no winners.
Of course we overlooked the most important fact here: fast food restaurants, just like people, have deep-seated phobias and fears, yet we don’t take time to address them properly. It’s time we talked about this like grown-ass adults. Oh…and yea…just the kid’s meal is fine…it’s “for” “my son”.
McDonald’s: Claustrophobia (fear of small spaces)
So sad. The Golden Arches has always dreaded closed spaces, never staying confined to a single small location, opting instead to spread out to any many franchises as possible. Even the food suffered from this fear until the late 2000s, gravitating towards super sized french fry sleeves and soda cups whenever available. It’s a fear that McDonald’s is going to need to confront soon enough, though – there are only so many street corners in rural Myanmar that don’t already have gamburgers.
Solution: Gradual acceptance of fewer locations. Ask Swedish and Japanese counterparts how they handle day-to-day activities. Introduce new “McDonald’s Steady Stator Tots” item that only comes in one, small size. Focus on breathing.
Pizza Hut: Coprastasophobia (fear of constipation)
Pizza Hut just never feels “clean”; it has a deathly fear of being stopped up. First, the restaurant addressed this by greasing all 5 sides of the pizza evenly, to ensure smooth travel from mouth to not mouth. Then, it branched out to cutting-edge, colon expanding alternatives like the Bigfoot, Panormous, and the Big Italy. I bet they name their next one A Passage to India. All of this might come come as a surprise, as people have complained about Pizza Hut not giving a shit about their product for years.
Solution: Find some peace of mind. You can’t combat this particular fear by extreme exposure (unless you’re looking for a trip to the local hospital) (THANKS A LOT Obama). Remember that we were poopin’ just fine before you came around, and that hasn’t changed one bit. Try to remember what got you here in the first place: lots of salt.
Dunkin’ Donuts: Ermophobia (fear of self)
Dunkin’ Donuts has been growing at a lightning pace since the turn of the century. But does the success belie a storm brewing inside? Is it possible that the Double D fears itself? Signs point to yes, since Dunkin corporate has been suing its own franchises nonstop since 2006. Yikes. I don’t think fear of self is crazy – I’m actually quite empathetic. Often, when I eat their doughnuts, I fear for myself as a functioning insulin factory. Jesus Monte Cristo those things are sugary.
Solution: The Bitter Truth. You can’t be perfect…love you for you. Sometimes you just have to accept yourself for who you are, warts and shitty doughnuts and smelly restaurants and mediocre coffee and nasty sandwiches and piss-poor bagels and lousy products and all.
Quizno’s: Frigophobia (fear of cold things)
Sub places were all the same until Quizno’s came along. This wasn’t your grandma’s mushy meatball sub (insert grandpa joke here).”WE HAVE AN OVEN!” they screamed at us as Scott was molested by the big scary machine. But toasty doesn’t mean confident. In fact, I think the bravado is hiding a long-time fear of cold. What’s wrong with a cold sub? It’s not like you’re making grilled cheese, or something tasty.
Solution: Cool your jets – just slow down and think about what makes you “you” – subs, not ovens…right? You don’t need to impress everyone, Quizno’s. In fact, you only need to impress one person, which would be a good start. Also, lay off the sauces.