How to Extend the Life of Your Battery.

Welcome back long-time readers and first-time dupes!

If you haven’t already guessed, it’s Health Week here at Hamsterdam. Rip wrote up a great piece on health tips for 2012, so feel free to ignore them all in about two months. A big thanks to resident health expert Kristen Domonell, who lent quite a bit of credibility to this outlet generally reserved for poop jokes.

So why Health Week? Glad you asked. Rip and I had a conversation about it last week in my head:

Rip: We need eyeballs. What say we do a series of health related posts?

Noms: You can’t tell me what to write, I’m a goddamned artist!

Rip: Great! The check is in the mail.

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Hamsterdam Health Week:
Now, with wings and snakes.

My contribution to Health Week is this: I am dying a slow death and you might want to take care of yourself a little better than ol’ Noms. Whether I’m actually dying remains to be seen, but I’m definitely falling apart at a rapid rate. In the past week I discovered I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I had a piece of a tooth fall out (that’s so meth!). The derivative is not positive at this point. I’m only a waterfall away from becoming that first Engineer in Prometheus. So listen up, because my advice might afford you a few extra enjoyable years (results not guaranteed after age 50).

1. Do a little preventative maintenance

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I think you know what to do. Netflix it.

This is actually a novel concept for people in college because between 18 and 22 you’re indestructible.  Going out to the bars at midnight, staying out until 7am, then immediately heading to a tailgate for the football game is your typical Saturday for most students. When you near Logan’s Run territory, all of the changes. Your parts just don’t work the same (except privates, which still work the same…just as poorly as ever!). You cannot function on 2 hours of sleep. And 7am drinking? Perish the thought. You know you’ve arrived when you wake up in the morning and your first thought is “Oh boy, time to brush my teeth!”. The key is to start thinking like this in college, or right afterward. It’s not automatic. Go out for a morning jog, limit your nights out, and just take care of yourself a little. Also, send “after” pictures.

2. Fried food ultimately makes you sad.

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Peter the Onion, about 5 minutes before he became Bloomin’. Crikey.

Fried food might be one of the tastiest inventions ever, and is responsible for some wonderful commercials. But you also feel like a bag of reheated dog crap after housing a few chicken sandwiches, or even a large seasoned curlies. You don’t have to eliminate it entirely, but try to ween yourself as best possible. Definitely don’t increase your intake, though, or you’re in for a rude surprise. After Chick-fil-A quit being as obvious about it’s hate chicken, I doubled down. Results? I weigh 10 pounds more than I did last year, and my 5k time has significantly increased. Thanks Dad.

3. Step away from the computer, human.

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James Harrison lives inside your computer and will launch himself at your most sensitive regions should you not get up soon.

Aside from the impending war between sentient machines and humans, you should not trust your computer. Sitting in front of a screen is so unbelievably unhealthy that it can’t even be quantified, to the point that it can be quantified. True, the Internet brought you wonderful things like cat videos and Gangnam Style Without Music, but remember, it also gave you things like myspace and Hamsterdam. You spend all your work day in front of a computer, so take a break when you get home. Go for a walk, or have some sex, or even join your local 4H and milk a goat, I don’t care (as long as you don’t combine the three). But definitely don’t spend more time on your phone or in front of the computer. Because that’s exactly what the machines want us to do. Oh but keep reading Hamsterdam, because I like money.

Okay well I think that’s enough for now can’t give away the whole farm (for that, check out my upcoming book, Giving Away the Whole Farm, $1.99 on Amazon Kindle). Hope you’re motivated to be healthier, happier reader. If not, I’d definitely recommend picking up that meth habit.

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