That’s right, it is time for another action-packed season of The Bachelor. What kinds of twists and turns can we expect this season? Will Sean find love? Which of the girls are there for the dreaded wrong reasons? Will Chris Harrison give up cooking meth and ride off into the sunset, or will his terrible acts catch up with him?
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the aftermath of last season. I was very upset to learn from tabloids staring at me over the M&Ms in a grocery store check-out line that Emily and Jef have evidently split up. I wasn’t upset that they broke up. Reality TV show relationships have a lower success rate than….well, nothing has a worse success rate than reality TV show relationships. What I WAS upset about was that what appeared to have sent their relationship into a death spiral was that Emily was sexting with Matt Leinart.
Emily, do you know how many seasons Matt Leinart has played where he threw more touchdowns than interceptions? ONE! And in that season (2011), he threw a whopping ONE TOUCHDOWN. Jef is a successful entrepreneur, and you’re hitching your wagon to a guy who couldn’t beat out Derek Anderson? For shame.
Now that that important piece of business is out of the way, let’s move on to this season. Much like the Cardinals moved on from Matt Leinart. Our bachelor is Sean Lowe.
Sean made it to the final three of The Bachelorette last season before Emily gave him the boot. He comes across as a down home, southern bro straight out of central casting for a country video for a song about a down home southern bro. In a way, he is like a more handsome TJ Yates in that he is here to clean up Matt Leinart’s mess. On with the show:
-We’re in Los Angeles! No offense to any residents of Charlotte who might have someone reading this to them and explaining all of the big words, but this show belongs in Los Angeles. It is the one true home of beautiful phonies looking for love.
-Before we meet the 25 women who want to win Sean’s heart, Arie stops by to offer Sean some words of wisdom. Arie of course being the guy that has never been the bachelor, did not win last season, and continued trying to get with Emily for months after she rejected him. So just soak his advice in, Sean. Arie gives Sean advice on kissing. Eye contact, use your hands, no sloppy tongue. Kiss the same way I eat pizza. Got it, Arie.
-Highlight of the initial introductions: Jackie puts on fresh lipstick to “leave an impression” on Sean’s cheek and Selma pulls a napkin out of her cleavage to wipe it off. That was great teamwork.
-Lowlight of the initial introductions: So many to choose from here, but Ashley P. takes the cake. She decided to go with a Fifty Shades of Grey theme by pulling out a tie and making very ham-handed references to sex. What was bad about this? I don’t know where to begin. First of all, she seemed to have assumed that he read it. Secondly-fourthly, what the hell is wrong with you?
-Tierra shows up with an open heart drawn (I hope?) on her finger. If that is a tattoo I am really, really worried for her. But it wins over Sean and he gives her a rose! Sean didn’t wait hours to give out a first impression rose. I can actually respect that, because a first impression is a first impression. It isn’t something you develop after hours of a cocktail party. If you are going to reward someone for making a great first impression, do it right away. The other girls of course go to Defcon 5 at the sight of this.
-Kacie B from Ben’s season shows up and wants to join this season. The girls who were already in Defcon 5 about Tierra getting a rose have gone completely nuclear.
-Sean bucks the trend set by previous seasons and gives out roses willy nilly at the cocktail party. This causes every girl who doesn’t get a rose to melt down Three Mile Island style. He gives out about half of the roses during the party, then gives out a few more at the actual rose ceremony.
Best Moment: Ashley P (the Fifty Shades of Grey girl) gets sent home. Not only did she embarrass herself with the attempt to make a good first impression by acting out a creepy sex book that Sean hadn’t read, then she got really drunk and danced around like a moron. It was a pleasure seeing her get the boot at the rose ceremony. She went out like a class act, saying that Sean missed his chance to bang her, flashing her butt tattoo, and continuing to dance like a fucking moron. There are a lot of train wreck human beings on this show. But it takes someone to be so much of a train wreck that they get sent home on the first night. Bravo.
Worst Moment: Lesley who lives in DC but is from Arkansas says she hates nerds. To me that statement was dumber than when Captain Picard thought that they could escape the space creature’s baby that had attached itself to the Enterprise simply by using impulse power to move away from it! That’s right, I went there.
Once again, my rankings will be based on an arbitrary combination of my thoughts on their chances to win, how entertaining they are, and how attracted to them I am.
6. Selma (Real Estate Developer, 29)
She used her cleavage well and that is worthy of adulation.
5. Catherine (Graphic Designer, 26)
She didn’t get much air time, but when she first met Sean I really thought there was some instant chemistry there. She had a bit of a snarky attitude in her asides to the cameras too, and the snarky blogger in me can’t help but love that.
4. Desiree (Bridal Stylist, 26)
I liked something about her attitude too. She seemed like she was in my face. Sean is a laid back kind of dude, so I think he’s going to like a girl that has a sharp edge to her. This is the part of the rankings where I project. Got a problem with that? She also has a funny back story with working in a bridal salon and being on a show about marriage, there, okay? Happy now?
3. Lindsay (Substitute Teacher, 24)
Lindsay took a huge gamble by showing up in a wedding dress to make her first impression. That was a huge risk, and I admire that. She also got really drunk and tried making out. This is a woman after my own heart.
2. Sarah (Ad Exec, 26)
She seems like she also had some instant chemistry with Sean, and only having one arm makes her the kind of underdog that America loves. And having one arm qualifies her to be a better NFL quarterback than Matt Leinart.
1. Tierra (Leasing Consultant, 24)
She got the first rose after talking to Sean for approximately 30 seconds, what more needs to be said here? The tattoo of a heart on her finger and Yorkshire Terrier are also just dead giveaways that she could be a certified nutjob. Game on.
BOLD PREDICTION: Kacie B got a rose and, on the surface, she should be a contender in this. She’s an experienced reality show competitor and is a certified southern belle. But I don’t think she is going to last long. Sean is going to decide that he doesn’t want Ben’s sloppy seconds and send her home.