The final week! In Los Angeles, that is. Chris Harrison starts off the show wearing a shirt that is conspicuously casual for my tastes. It looked like a pajama shirt.
Sean starts off the week as he usually does, shirtless. I’m not taking pictures of that.
-The first one-on-one date of the week goes to Selma. The other ladies in the house are starting to get scared that they won’t get dates. Selma says she’s ready for Sean to get to know her and see that she’s more than just a pretty face [Real talk: ain’t nobody looking at your face, Selma]. In the limo ride to the date she then proceeds to say extremely superficial things like how she weighs 110 pounds.
They take a limo to a private jet, which whisks them away to….Breaking Bad?
They go for a hike and rock-climbing. Sean recognizes that she isn’t an outdoorsy or athletic person, but he wants to take her out of her comfort zone and see how she reacts. Is that how dating is supposed to work? You take what a girl says she likes to do and then you take her to do the exact opposite? After rock climbing they go visit a bunch of trailers and RVs… This really is Breaking Bad.
Things are getting pretty romantic as they sit in the moonlight dancing off the corrugated metal of the trailers, but Selma says that her family is a very conservative Muslim family that doesn’t approve of her being on the show. It also causes her to have hesitancy about kissing Sean. I can totally buy the family disapproving of her going on a dating show. But once you’ve taken that leap, why are you going to draw a line in the sand about kissing? She gets the rose, but if you tell Sean that you can’t even kiss until the very end (which I think is what she said), how long can you expect to stay in this thing? Especially when other girls are going to be just GIVING it away.
-Next up is a group date. They are headed to a roller derby. Another great idea, Sean. Nothing like asking girls to hurt each other and/or themselves for your viewing pleasure. Amanda talks a mean game but then faceplants and possibly breaks her jaw. It’s going to be tough to unseat that as best moment of the week. Sean realizes that a violent roller derby is a bad idea, so it turns into a middle school roller rink party. They skated around to pop music, played limbo, played red light-green light, and made out behind the claw machine.
At the cocktail party afterwards, Tierra throws a tantrum about how everyone is SO fake and how she isn’t getting enough time with Sean. She interrupts a steamy moment between Sean and Lindsay where they are making out and changing into swimsuits that I really wanted to see where it was going. Somehow her teary whining gets the rose from Sean. That sends the other girls into a meltdown that this world has not seen. This was worse than Chernobyl, worse than the end of the ice age. Tierra does not have a friend left in the house. That was amazing, I do feel bad for Lindsay though.
-The final one-on-one goes to Leslie H. Sean provided her with diamond earrings before the date. That’s a good idea. Normally before a first date the only thing I send a girl directions to the all you can eat fried oreos stand where I’m meeting her for dinner. Maybe I should send her diamond earrings instead. The date is heading to Rodeo Drive, where Leslie can go on a shopping spree. Sean says that it is letting her live out the fantasy of the movie Pretty Woman. Pretty Woman of course the movie where Richard Gere meets a prostitute and forces her to fall in love with him by buying her. Leslie keeps laughing nervously though, and it really annoys me. After everything she says she adds a “HAHAHAHAHAHA.” It was a laugh kind of like when Richard Gere snapped the jewelry box closed in front of his whore’s hands and she laughed.
At dinner afterwards, Sean says that objectively Leslie is a great girl, but he just isn’t feeling the romance. So she gets the boot. She has to give back the fancy necklace that she fawned over. There was a private concert arranged, and Sean listens to it by himself. That got a legitimate LOL from me.
-At the cocktail party, Sean is realizing that he’s at the point of the show where the filler is gone. Any girl he’s going to send home now he has some personal relationship with and possibly has made out with for seconds upon seconds. Robyn uses her go-to pick-up line of “do you want to taste the chocolate? Which chocolate do you want to taste?” I give it a solid B-. More drama brews between Tierra and the other girls.
At the Rose Ceremony, Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie, and Daniella get roses. Amanda and her broken jaw go home.
-Leslie used “right reasons” twice, so that brings our season total up to 4 by my count. “Princess/prince charming” references still stuck at 1.
Best Moment: Amanda talks a big game about the roller derby. She confesses privately that she has never actually done it, but in front of Sean and all the girls she acts like a pro. She is skating around pretty well but then falls directly face first into the rink. They think she may have broken her jaw, so she has to go to the hospital. She comes back in time to get sent home at the rose ceremony. That’s a rough day.
Worst Moment: Leslie said “HOLY MOLY BATMAN” at least twice. I think that’s definitely part of the reason she went home.
6. Selma (Real Estate Developer, 29)
They seem to have tons of physical chemistry, but the problem with that is that it seems like she is not going to allow them to have any kind of physical relationship. She’s going to have to reconsider that stance if she wants to win this thing.
5. Sarah (Ad Exec, 26)
I’m dropping Sarah down this week because of how much she whined at the roller rink. I’m sure only having one arm would be an inconvenience in terms of balance and catching yourself while skating, but Sarah was acting like it was a national tragedy. It’s not like he asked you to do an obstacle course, Sarah. It was a little roller skating, and clearly two arms isn’t THAT much of an advantage because all the other girls were falling all over the place. She’s got to form a relationship with Sean based on more than just the lack of an extremity.
4. Tierra (Leasing Consultant, 24)
Tierra made a risky play by melting down in front of Sean. It was possible he would get annoyed or see it as a blatant cry for attention and send her home. Instead he told her he wants to keep her around, so it was a successful move on her part. The steady increase of hatred of her in the house is also getting pretty entertaining. I think the meltdown card is one you can only play once though. Now that she doesn’t have that in her arsenal, can she stick around?
3. Lindsay (Substitute teacher, 24)
I was always really unruly when we had a substitute teacher. For no reason. That isn’t related to anything having to do with this show, I just feel bad about it now so I wanted to confess. Lindsay and Sean are making out any time you see them so I think she is moving up into the top tier of contenders. She’ll get a one-on-one soon and we’ll see if she is as good at wooing Sean as she is at handing out worksheets to unruly kids.
2. Desiree (Bridal stylist, 26)
Des didn’t get any air time this week, but I don’t think anyone did enough to really move past her in the rankings. If she spends another week or two in the background then I think she’d better pack her bags.
1. Lesley (Something something politics, 25)
Same as Des, Lesley didn’t get much screen time but I doubt Sean has forgotten about her.
Next week (where we get TWO episodes for some reason) it looks like Sean is taking the ladies to Montana for another outdoorsy/adventure themed round of dating. So far Sean has given girls credit for being troopers and attempting adventuresome dates even if they are out of their comfort zone. I think at this point, where Sean is trying to narrow down the field, we will see some girls whine and complain about the rugged outdoors and Sean won’t tolerate it. He’ll send them home like they’re a kid who won’t stop crying because the substitute teacher finally got fed up and sent him to the office.