The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 5

This week is a two-parter but I decided to do it all in one recap.  My drunken, rambling notes are even more drunken and rambling than normal, so I hope this recap makes some kind of sense.

There’s 11 girls left and we are finally taking this show on the road and heading to Montana.

monte

-Lindsay is up for the first one-on-one.  They jump in a helicopter, get dropped off on a mountain, and have a picnic.  I think this our second helicopter date.  They spend a lot of time cuddling and making out.  Sean was dropping some big time lovy dovy stuff when they were talking, like “I feel like I already know you,” “you’re going to make a great wife,” “I can see myself ending up with Lindsay”, “Chris Harrison touched me on the leg.”  They go outside where a concert is awaiting them.  They slow dance and make out some more in front of the entire state of Montana.  A helicopter AND a concert, he brought out the big guns for Lindsay.  If that date also had rappelling it would have hit The Bachelor Triple Crown. Lindsay got the rose and established herself as a real contender.

-Next up is a group date with Selma, Desiree, AshLee, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn, and group date mainstay Daniella.  Sean and the ladies show up where Chris Harrison has set up a Rube Goldberg machine looking obstacle course.  To satisfy Chris Harrison’s sadism, the ladies are being split into teams and forced to compete in meaningless spectacle to get a few extra hours with Sean.  The first leg is a canoe race, then comes stacking hay, then comes sawing a log, then comes milking a goat.  I don’t know if this is what the Montana tourism board has in mind when it comes to promoting their state.  Desiree shotgunned the raw goat milk to carry the red team to victory.

Selma, Des, Sarah, Robyn celebrate their victory, but then Sean decides he wants to give the blue team a participation trophy and invites them to join them as well.  I can respect his logic: there’s only 11 girls left, he wants to spend as much time with each individual girl as possible so that he won’t send home a girl he might have forged a bond with just because she didn’t win some arbitrary team contest.  But ignoring the results makes the team contest even more arbitrary. Des drank unpasteurized milk for NOTHING. Catherine and Sean get really cozy on some one on one time, which causes Daniella to melt down. Sean reassures her and then they furiously make out and she gets the rose.

-THUNDERDOME:  Two women enter, one woman leaves.  Tierra vs. Jackie.  Both girls bring out some big weapons.  Jackie tells Sean that Tierra is a terrible person and flirted with a guy in the airport on the way to Montana.

larry craig

Tierra counters that by playing the “emotional trauma” card with a story about how she has a hard time opening up to people because her last serious boyfriend overdosed.  Tierra has the better hand and gets the rose.  Jackie is sent packing.

Tension builds in the house in general between Tierra and the other girls.  This is standard stuff, Tierra is an attention whore and the other girls think she is a phony.  Sean is finally starting to notice the tension though, so will he side with Tierra or will he side with the field?

-At the Montana rose ceremony Robyn is sent to meet up with Jackie at the Montana airport.

Night 2

For day 2 they are heading to Lake Louise in the canadian Rockies.  According to Google Maps, Lake Louise is only a 5 hour drive from Whitefish, Montana.

maps

Not much of a trip.  Why not just stay in Montana?  Did the goat people catch on to what Chris Harrison did after the cameras stopped rolling at the relay race and he had to leave the country to escape their justice?

lake louise

Well it certainly looks nice.

-Catherine gets her first one-on-one date. Sean picks her up in a zamboni snow bus and they head to a desolate glacier.  They played around in the snow, all the while the movie The Thing was taking place just over the hill. Afterwards they take a carriage ride to an ice castle for some quality snuggling time. Catherine tells Sean that when she was a young girl at summer camp she watched one of her friends get murdered by a tree

wizard of oz tree

and it gave her perspective on life or something.  Sean is impressed and she gets a rose.  I think Catherine has been flying under the radar for a while but this was her breakout performance.

-The next day we have a group date with Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Lesley, Selma, and always on group dates but never the bride Daniella.  They canoe across the lake to find some tents waiting for them.  One of the tents has a huge red cross on it.  Girls, you know you are in trouble when you show up somewhere with a first aid tent. Sean breaks the news to them that they’re about to take the polar bear plunge. All of the girls except Selma decide to go through it.  It looks terribly cold, but they all do it and have fun.  Except Tierra, who says she can’t breathe and is carried away.  I know they were probably editing that scene to make it look like she was over-exaggerating and being a drama queen, but holy hell what an over-exaggerating drama queen.  Tierra appears to have an extremely mild case of hypothermia, she is whisked back to the hotel….

…Until a few hours later when she is evidently feeling well enough to show up for the post-date cocktail party.  The other girls all call bullshit, and I have to agree. If you were injured, you were injured.  If you were healthy enough to party, then don’t ask paramedics to carry you around.  Lesley get the rose because she opened up to Sean, Tierra isn’t happy.

-After the group date, Sean pulls Sarah aside.  Sarah had shown Sean some pictures of her family and talked about how great it would be for him to meet them. Sean decides that he likes Sarah but has absolutely no interest in meeting her family.  So rather than subject her to the indignity of a rose ceremony, he’s sending her home early.  It’s unfortunate because she seems like a really sweet girl.  Also unfortunate because I had so many one-arm jokes I had ready to go.  In memoriam:

buster

..

anakin

..

j walter weatherman

..

luke skywalker

-Desiree becomes the first girl to get a second one-on-one.  They go on a hike and are having a picnic. But to get there they have to rappel down a mountain.  BINGO!  There it is, folks!  It took 5 weeks, but I hit Bachelor Bingo.  Right reasons-helicopter-free space-traumatic childhood story-rappelling.

Des says: “Rappelling down the mountain is like being in a relationship.  You start off worried or scared, it gets difficult…but you take the risk.”

michael-scott-no

At the picnic afterwards, Des challenges Sean to a tree climbing contest.  On a show where everything seems fairly predictable and overproduced, that seemed entirely spontaneous.  Well done.  Des tells Sean that her family lived in poverty sometimes, including living in a tent, but that their family was always a loving one. “Good news for you then, you’re spending the night in this teepee while I go back to the resort,” responds Sean.  Nah, he was really impressed by her story and she gets the rose.

-Lots of “opening up” happens at the cocktail party.  Selma kisses Sean, going back on her principles expressed earlier in the season. “Kissing someone on national television tonight is a BIG shame to my family”- Selma.  Lindsay points out that all they ever do is make out, so instead they have a deep conversation.  AshLee lets Sean blindfold her (??!?!?!) because she is a controlling person, so the blindfold symbolizes her relinquishing control (?!?!?!?!).  I think AshLee thought that was a very emotional moment and Sean thought it was some kind of freaky sex game.  But it worked for both of them on each level.

-At the night two rose ceremony:  Lindsay, AshLee, and Tierra get roses in addition to Catherine, Lesley, and Desiree.  Daniella and Selma go home.

Running “right reasons” tally:  two more this week so I believe we are up to 6 total.

-We also had two “prince charming/princess” mentions this week, so that counter is up to at least 3.  I zoned out/drank a lot during some of the more boring dates so I may have missed some.

Best Moment:  Selma going home.  Selma was very selective about when she respected her family’s religion, and that bugged me.  She came on a reality dating show even though they disapproved.  But then she refused to kiss Sean last week because of potentially embarrassing her family.  But then she felt fine about prancing around in skimpy clothing and bikinis.  Then during the goat milk thing she made a very sexy blatant “jerking off” motion as advice on the best way to do it.  THEN, to top it all off, she felt bad about not doing the polar bear plunge so she kissed Sean at the cocktail party.  And should she really be drinking cocktails?  If you’re going to have principles, have principles and stick to them.  Don’t bitch about them when they’re inconvenient and then break them and completely shame your family.

Worst Moment:  When Sean invited the goat milk challenge losing team to come to the party, Tierra got pissed.  So we see her sitting at a table writing in a notepad, then see her leave to go find Sean.  I feel like usually when you see someone write in a notepad and then go out for a quick stalk it ends with an important political figure getting murdered.  That was seriously the vibe Tierra was throwing out there.  It reminded me of Courtney from Ben’s season, who reminded me of Travis Bickle of The Taxi Driver, who was based on Arthur Bremer and inspired John Hinckley.  Life imitating art imitating life imitating Courtney.  Tierra bitches about how she isn’t getting enough attention.  There’s a point where being bold can put you ahead in the game.  Sean did it himself when he snuck out of his hotel room to track down Emily in Prague last season.  But there’s also a point where being bold to tell Sean how crazy you are is probably going to hurt you in the competition.  This plus the whole exaggerating hypothermia thing were pretty annoying for us the viewers, I couldn’t imagine actually being there in person to witness it.

POWER RANKINGS:

AshLee

6. AshLee (Orphan, 32)

AshLee was one of the first girls to come out and say she’s FALLING for Sean.  Something that might work to her advantage is that she seems much more mature than many of the other girls.  But at the moment I can’t have her ahead of any of the other remaining girls.  If she gets another one-on-one next week she might have a chance to move up.

Tierra

5. Tierra (Cold, 24)

What can be said that hasn’t been said already?  Tierra is an attention whore, but she’s an entertaining attention whore so I’m glad she’s still around.  Sean doesn’t seem to see her as desperate for attention, so she might be able to knock off some of the other girls.  I’m sure this is a product of editing, but she doesn’t seem to have much of a personality.  That’ll need to change if she wants to stick around.  Or maybe Sean has her locked in to a fantasy suite invite.

Desiree

4.  Desiree (Bridal Stylist, 26)

They had a great date and I do think he really likes her.  Her story of her family’s love sustaining her through tent-living poverty seemed to really help their connection.  Something seems off about her though, I think she has some pretty big instability/insecurity lurking just below the surface that could sabotage her chances.

catherine

3.  Catherine (Graphic Designer, 26)

Like I said above, Catherine has been under the radar for a few weeks.  I think it’s clear that Sean has liked her, but he felt comfortable letting her chill in the house while he gave the other girls some try-outs.  She knocked it out of the park on her date this week and has to be considered a real contender.

lindsay

2.  Lindsay (Substitute teacher, 24)

It’s really hard to keep her out of the top spot.  She and Sean had a great date, they have undeniable chemistry.  And, as she mentioned this week, they can’t be around each other without making out.  She really seems like she’s in this for the long haul.

lesley

1.  Lesley (Political Consultant, 25)

Like Catherine, I think Sean was comfortable not having a ton of one-on-one time with Lesley because he knows he really likes her.  The reason I give her the nod over Lindsay this week is on the group date it just really seemed like they were a couple.  He was doing his best to give attention to all the girls, but it looked like he was always talking to Lesley, holding her hand, laughing at Tierra with her, etc.

BOLD PREDICTION:    Not sure how bold this is because I have her ahead of AshLee in the rankings, but I don’t think Tierra is done yet.  Even though it seems like everyone has had their fill of her and even Sean might be becoming suspicious of her, she has proven very adept at eliminating the competition.   I don’t have proof of this yet, but maybe she has some kind of power where when she gets hurt she can destroy the lives of others around her.  Not unlike Sebastian Shaw. Just a thought to keep in mind.

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