The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: The Women Tell All

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Time to be told all!

In past experience they don’t really tell all, they tell some.  But we’ll let them get away with it.

This is the only day of the year that Chris Harrison actually has to do anything other than ride on the coattails of the bachelor. I’m still convinced I could do this job better than him.  They should have a reality show where the winner gets to be the next Chris Harrison.   Patent pending.  Here’s the highlights of tonight’s show:

-First we have a taped segment where Sean and Chris “crash” Bachelor viewing parties.  The viewing parties are all screaming girls that look under 21. That doesn’t make me feel very good about myself.  If they showed up at my viewing party, I think my reaction would be to be put on some pants, offer Sean a Busch Light, and tell Chris Harrison to sit on the floor where he belongs.

-17 of the ladies are here tonight.  Some of the heavy hitters from this season like Sarah, Des, and Lesley, are here.  And then there’s several that I barely remember.

-The subject of Tierra is first on the menu.  The common theme seems to be that the girls wanted to be her friend, and that Tierra isolated herself and played the “victim card” too often.  Chris interviews Tierra.  Tierra thinks that the people here judged her based on what she looked like rather than her personality and her inner light.  She thinks she became a target because she got that first rose within 60 seconds of meeting Sean and felt ganged up on. Tierra says she didn’t want to be friends with her competitors, and other girls talked about each other.  All of that is probably true.

And now comes the time for the other girls to attack her.  They say they weren’t against her at first, but that she isolated herself. It all gets pretty repetitive, but then finally Tierra and AshLee decide to clear the air. Tierra has a bit of a mea culpa and says that she handled things poorly.  The other girls don’t seem to buy it though.  I was hoping for more fireworks.  But things basically were as they were during the season- the other girls don’t like Tierra, Tierra doesn’t really care.

-I wasn’t fast enough with my cell phone camera, but a lot of the “women” they showed in the audience looked like old men wearing wigs.  I’m not calling it a conspiracy, but I’m not not calling it a conspiracy.

-Sarah is in the hot seat next.  Sarah is still heart-broken, that’s pretty much the jist of the conversation.  Sarah says every time she gets rejected, a part of her thinks it’s because she has one arm.  Sarah, don’t be ridiculous.  You have one and a half arms.

-Now we get Des in the hot seat.  For a long time Des looked like the front runner to me so this should be interesting.  Or totally boring if Chris Harrison fucks it up again.  Des still doesn’t look too pleased with her brother.

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In her interview with Chris Harrison, Des is still upset about the rejection.  She’s still looking for that special someone.  Des, just post your number in the comments section here and I’ll see what I can do.

-The parade of the heartbroken continues as AshLee joins Chris Harrison.  AshLee says she thought she had it in the bag, so she was in shock when she got sent home.  She says watching the show now she isn’t in love with Sean any more.  “With me, he was a southern gentleman, with the other girls he was like a frat boy.”  That sounds hopelessly naive.

-Sean comes out.  He says that AshLee was the frontrunner for a while, but he “couldn’t find the laughter” with her.  AshLee wanted Sean to “check on her,”  because he is “supposed to be the man.”  Huh?

“You had said some things to me over night that made me think I was the one..”  HERE WE GO!  “Why did you say you had absolutely no feelings for them?”  “I didn’t say that.”  “Twice?”  Sean continues to deny it, and he seems much more believable than AshLee.  AshLee has legit crazy written all over her face.  Sean doesn’t seem like he is in denial mode, he seems like he is in “wtf is she talking about?” mode.  AshLee is bitter, which is probably understandable.  But lashing out and making things up is not understandable.  She had the right approach when she just stormed out the rose ceremony rather than making all this shit up.  My thought is that she is either a) bitter that she gave it up in the fantasy suite and didn’t get a rose, or b) bitter that she didn’t give it up in the fantasy suite and didn’t get a rose.

AshLee’s stock couldn’t have dropped any lower in my eyes.  She ENRONED big time.  Current events humor! From 1999!

-Sean and Des just showed you how it’s supposed to be done, AshLee.  “I wish nothing but the best for you.”  “Same to you.”  THE END.

-We get a clip show featuring Lindsay and Catherine, and then the show ends.  Wow, that was pointless.  We were barely told anything, when we were promised we’d be told all.

What the hell were all those girls doing there?  We got Sean’s reactions to AshLee and Desiree’s rejections.  By my count we  heard from Sarah, Tierra, Jackie, Selma, Brooke, Robyn, Lesley, and Leslie.  I don’t think any of the other women said a god damn thing.  And most of them only spoke to Tierra, not Sean.  Why were they even there? Thanks for wasting my time, Chris Harrison.  A better moderator would have made sure that the other women also got their opportunity to tell all.  Hint hint.

BEST MOMENT: “I light up a room. When I walk into a room, I bring this joy and am happy.”  “I was Little Miss Nevada.”  Don’t change, Tierra.  Don’t ever change.  Don’t let them take your sparkle.

WORST MOMENT:   Continuing my rant about so few of the girls getting to tell all, we heard NOTHING from Ashley P, the Fifty Shades of Grey girl.  Yeah, she likely wouldn’t have offered anything insightful because she was only in the house for a few hours and she has the emotional depth of a terrier.  But when someone has a first night where they get too drunk, make unsexy attempts at being sexy, dance with the balance of a one-armed woman, fall over, and then get immediately sent home,  you have GOT to let them get a word in tonight.  Epic fail by Chris Harrison.

FINAL PREDICTION  Unlike last season where it was very obvious Courtney was going to win, I’m not sure about this one.  Like I said last week, both of these girls seem to have similar appeal to Sean.  They both have a silly/goofy side but they both also have great chemistry with him.  If you had a stop watch going to measure the amount of time he spent making out with all of the girls on this show, these two would have a Secretariat-like lead.  I really don’t know which way to go here, I’m on the verge of a coin flip.  I’m going to go with Lindsay.  I think he warmed up to her a little faster than he did Catherine, and her showing up in a wedding dress is still adorable to me in its insanity.  Also, Catherine seems a little more phony to me than does Lindsay.  I’m still hung up on what her sisters said about her falling in love quickly and then getting bored just as quickly.

I’m not too confident in this, but I’m going to stick my arm out and if it gets chopped off at the elbow, then so be it.  That’s what falling in love is all about.

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