Five Things Gay Marriage Is Not (Alternate Title: I cannot believe we’re still having this conversation)

Seriously? Seriously? Seriously. Today, a day in 2013, when we have 3D printers and Higgs boson particles and our phones are basically computers, people are still suggesting that allowing gay adults to marry each other will lead to polygamy, pedophilia and bestiality. As though there are people standing outside the Supreme Court with their pet goat who they one day hope to marry, crossing their fingers that the Supreme Court strikes down DOMA because then the very next logical step, after DECADES of gay couples having to fight this fight would be for the SC to be all like, “Fuck it, everybody marry everything.”

So, for clarification purposes, I am just going to go ahead and list out what gay marriage is not, so that maybe we can have an actual argument about what harm would be caused by actual gay marriage – not the bat shit insane things you keep getting it confused with.

Gay marriage is not…pedophilia.

Notice how these two people are adults.

Notice how these two people are adults.

“If we let gay people marry, what’s to stop an adult from marrying a child?”

We are. We are to stop adults from marrying children because that’s messed up. And it’s not at all like letting two, consenting adults who can legally enter into contracts marry.

The idea that the only thing preventing us from legalizing marriage to a ten year-old is our ban on gay marriage is super weird. There are a lot of reasons we don’t let people marry ten year-olds. For one, can you imagine being married to a person going through puberty? Ugh. The divorce rate would quadruple. Oh, also, it would really mess that kid up.

Gay marriage is not…bestiality.

Notice how these two people are both human.

Notice how these two people are both human.

“If gay people can get married, can I marry this squirrel that lives in a tree outside my bedroom window?”

No, because that squirrel probably does not want to marry you. The nice thing about gay marriage is that both parties are human beings, so they can communicate whether or not they are a willing participant in this thing.

Gay marriage is not…incest.

I can't say it for a fact, but I'm going to assume that these guys are not brothers.

I can’t say it for a fact, but I’m going to assume that these guys are not brothers.

“Well if we legalize gay marriage, then we would have to legalize incest.”

We already have.  You can’t marry your brother or sister, but in 31 states and D.C., you can marry your first cousin. And the reasoning behind making incest illegal has nothing to do with gay marriage, it’s due to the fact that the state, as the provider of education and, in some cases, medical care, does not want to be on the hook for educating and caring for someone like this:

This is why we don't let siblings marry.

This is why we don’t let siblings marry.

Gay marriage is not…polygamy.

Notice how there are only two of them.

Notice how there are only two of them.

“Well sure, but then why is marriage only between two people? Why not 100?”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I really don’t care if people want to marry more than one person. If you want to deal with that drama, go for it. But there is a reason that the government could want to prevent this, and it’s largely because of the legal nightmares that would ensue. I don’t know if that’s a compelling enough reason for it to be illegal, but polygamists are not the ones in front of the Supreme Court right now and so it’s not their issues we’re talking about.

Gay marriage is not…about you.

Notice how neither of these people are you.

Notice how neither of these people are you.

“O.K., fine, gay marriage is not the same as pedophilia, bestiality, incest or polygamy. But I don’t want it to have the same label as my marriage because I think gay couples are gross.”

There was a couple making out at the base of the stairs to get up to the L this morning. I thought they were gross (and really annoying). But if one day they want to get married, and make out as husband and wife in the eyes of the state, they can do that. I’m actually hoping they do, as I think marriage will put a damper on all of that PDA. Which is another thing, if you’re grossed out by gay sex, then you should be all for gay marriage. The point is, being uncomfortable with something is not a reason to make laws against it. If gay couples gross you out, then don’t become part of a gay couple. And if it makes you so uncomfortable then just stop thinking about it so much. That’s what I did with the L couple, I ignored them.

So that’s that. Now that we’ve covered off on what gay marriage is not, you are finally free to argue what you think is wrong with what gay marriage is: two consenting adult humans who are not you committing to spending their lives together and getting the same perks as you and every other pair of two consenting adult humans who commit to spend their lives together.

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One Response to Five Things Gay Marriage Is Not (Alternate Title: I cannot believe we’re still having this conversation)

  1. zathra says:

    Hell, live & let live. The Religious Right & Tea Party folks can just hire Mr. Peabody take the Wayback Machine back to the 50’s, the time of segregation & the McCarthy witch hunts when people where ” blackballed ” for the slightest suspicion that they might be Communist sympathizers. I’m sure the RR & TP would be right at home in that simpler, more closed – minded time period. & the good Christian housewives could stay barefoot, pregnant & in the kitchen ( When they weren’t popping out WASP Christian babies ).

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