Glad to be back from another off-season. After a lengthy contract holdout, I’m on the field
just in time for the start of the season. I’ll do my best to be worth the lucrative
contract the management awarded me. Sorry to all of the bloggers that had to be cut to
make sure we could come in under the cap. (Up yours, Bullpen by Committee).
This season, our Bachelorette is Desiree.
Des was let go last season after her hometown date. Des is a bridal stylist, so she is always the bridal stylist and never the bride (apologies to all of the millions of people that have already made that joke). She was one of the favorites last season because she seemed to be one of the more normal girls- she’s genuine and seems like she has a great sense of humor. She also lived in a tent for a time as a kid because her family was so poor, so she’s also outdoorsy and not opposed to eating scraps that other people leave behind at the campsite. Will she find love? Let’s find out.
We’re in Los Angeles! [Technically Malibu, I guess. Apologies to Spencer Pratt]
25 guys now have to show up and make a good first impression. This is one of the most realistic parts of this show. She’s not going to decide who the winner is in the first night, but it is just a fact of life that in the first few seconds of meeting a person you make some serious judgments about whether they are here for the right reasons.
Some of the highlights from the limo introductions:
-Chris does a fake proposal where he instead ties his shoe. Really, really cheesy. But I think when you’re trying to make that first impression it’s a good idea to make her laugh.
-Ben brings out his absolutely adorable son to give Des a flower. That is just unfair. There is no chance he does not get a rose.
-Will is a banker from Chicago. Prior to the limo introduction they let him introduce himself in one of those prerecorded segments. They had a scene where they wanted to show him in the moment as a successful businessman, but it was clearly just a set-up. I mean look at this office. Look at his shelves.
All successful bankers have a hat, random bullshit, a globe, and NOTHING ELSE in their office.
-Diogo shows up in a suit of armor and says “I’m your knight in shining armor.” As he
walked up and struggled to move and breathe, you could tell that he realized that this was
an idea that worked much better in theory than in practice. Good call, Khal Drogo.
Limo introduction lowlights:
-Kasey says that he is in social media advertising, so he quotes some hashtags about the
evening to Des. Social media ended tonight. #Blessed
-Micah is a law student. GO TO HELL ASSHOLE
-Dan is beverage sales director. That’s the best euphemism for “bartender” ever.
-Jonathan is lawyer from North Carolina, he goes for the fantasy suite on the first night! Des is more than a little creeped out. I think he had the right idea with the envelope about forgoing the time with the other dudes, but then just not so subtly making it about sex took it in a dark direction.
-Nick is a tailor and a magician from Chicago. Oh please, oh please, Des, keep this guy around. Please, Des, I’m begging you, give him a rose. The snark-writing world needs this.
-Zak is a drilling fluid engineer (that’s what she said?) from Texas. He arrived shirtless to show off his abs. I can’t sign off on this kind of behavior.
-Brandon is a painting contractor. Painting contractor? Wouldn’t that just be “painter”? You paint for a living, right? That makes you a painter. Saying “painter” I think actually sounds better, because you could say that and people might accidentally think you’re an artist instead of the guy who stole some booze out of my fridge after painting my kitchen.
-Juan Pablo’s career is listed as “former pro soccer player,” so what do you do now? No one challenges him on this.
-Larry is a doctor, which should be a card he plays immediately. Instead he tries to teach her dance moves and appears to rip her dress. Tough to get more embarrassing than that, and there was a guy who tried to sleep with her.
-Mike R. is dental student, he arrives in his white coat (they give those students? Try graduating first asshole) and calls himself McDreamy/McSteamy. Seems like a timely reference!
On to the cocktail party:
It seems like 90% of these guys list their careers as advertising or marketing. I’m not sure what that means. Are these all guys here for the wrong reasons hoping to advance their company? Are advertising/marketing folks naturally drawn to reality TV? Has Mad Men made every man who works in marketing think he is Don Draper? Is “marketing specialist” the new euphemism for “unemployed”? These are questions to keep in mind as the season progresses.
Nick announces to everyone he is a magician, and says he is going to make Des disappear so he can talk to her for a few minutes. “Are you a magician full time” asks Des. In other words “you have exactly 4 seconds to save yourself from an immediate elimination by telling me your real job.”
I notice Nick is wearing a purple tie and purple socks. Lots of matching ties and socks, are you supposed to do that? Where do you buy multi-colored socks? Wait a second, no, I’m not taking fashion advice from a fucking magician!
All of the guys seem anxious about the fact that she isn’t giving out roses willy-nilly like Sean did. Ben (the Texas dad) gets a first impression rose, which causes them to start to freak out. You could see the goosebumps appear on the shirtless guy.
“Growing up we went camping a lot,” says Des that’s a great way to say “we lived in a tent.” Or is she retconning her story from last season?
Zak the shirtless guy strips down to his underwear and jumps in the pool. Everyone ignores him…THEN HE GETS A ROSE. That is a pretty big upset. This guy seems like a worse version of The Situation.
Juan Pablo shows her soccer moves and everyone is getting upset and nervous. Especially Will. Seriously, if you can’t see it you need to click on this picture to check out his face.
Johnathan doubles down on the fantasy suite thing by setting up an impromptu fantasy suite in a private room, where he says he’d like to “kiss her on the mouth.” This is a guy who has committed date rape, or actual rape, before. I am 100% positive on this. He goes on to say “the love tank has not been depleted in years.” He takes another run at it by pulling her towards the fantasy suite he created. She stops him and sends him home. Consistently referring to the “fantasy suite” while dragging a girl towards a dark room where you’ve put a mattress on a floor is a novel strategy, but ultimately not a successful one.
Running “Right/Wrong Reasons” Tally: 2
Running “Cinderella/Prince Charming” Tally: 2
Best Moment: Johnathan’s attempted rape. Why is that the best moment, you ask? It served as a public service announcement to women everywhere to stay the hell away from that guy.
Worst Moment: Kasey’s whole #hashtag thing. I am having a hard time thinking of a worse way to come across as funny/clever/worldly than applying really stupid hashtags to everything all night. I could have given him a pass on the first one he gave to Des out of the limo because he was desperate to stand out. But doing it multiple times throughout the night? I would rather her have ended up with the rapist than having this jackass get a rose. #thatawkwardmoment when I felt like him getting a rose was one of the worst atrocities in human history.
6. Drew (Digital Marketing Analyst, 27)
I’m picking Drew here because I think he and Robert (see below) are long lost brothers and I hope that this show will finally bring them together as a family. Look at their pictures, they look a little similar. They’re both from Arizona and they both have vague jobs in marketing/advertising. Something is going on here.
5. Zak (Drilling fluid engineer, 31)
Zak pulled a bold/douche move by arriving shirtless. He doubled down on it by stripping and jumping into the pool by himself. This guy clearly has less emotional depth than the fluid he drills for a living, but he is going to be good for some entertainment along the way.
4. Robert (Advertising Entrepreneur, 30)
“Advertising Entrepreneur” sounds like a totally made up job. That aside, I think he made a great impression on Des. He reminds me of Jef from Emily’s season in that he might use his hipster credentials to stand out from the crowd.
3. Chris (Mortgage broker, 27)
For one thing, he is one of the few without an advertising/marketing career. But I really enjoyed the super cheesy fake proposal/shoe tying thing. For that alone I’m rooting for this guy.
2. Ben (Entrepreneur, 28)
Ben made the biggest splash out of the limo by arriving with his kid. Des also seemed to like whatever it is he had to say when they talked one on one. It’s easy to use a kid to pull at the heart strings early on, so he’ll have to do more than just have a cute kid to stick around, but for now he has to be considered one of the contenders.
1. Bryden (Army, 26)
Bryden’s story is straight out of a country music song- the sensitive veteran from big sky country with a dog as his best friend who’s looking for love. Even if it turns out that he is no more intelligent or deep than his German shepherd, I think he’ll be in this for a while due to his back story alone.
BOLD PREDICTION: Rare group date double elimination when Drew and Robert realize they are brothers and spend the entire episode sobbing and hugging so Des sends them home to talk to their parents for an explanation.