Week 2, time to start the gradual process of separating the wheat from the chaff. We’re in Malibu..
I can’t wait until we start traveling.
-Brooks gets the season’s first one-on-one. “I’m actually really excited about it,” says Brooks. Really? That is a totally unexpected reaction!
Their first date is heading to a bridal salon to try on wedding dresses and tuxedos. If this was real life and someone suggested a wedding-themed first date, the invitee would run away faster than Des from that rapist last week. But because this is The Bachelorette, it is totally normal! They eat some wedding cake and then have a picnic by the Hollywood sign. Did you know that the Hollywood sign’s original purpose was to advertise a housing development?
They drive home and evidently get lost, Brooks is freaking out because he watched Training Day recently. Des, the consummate prankster, reveals that they’re heading for a private dinner in some industrial wasteland. Brooks opens up about his parents’ troubled marriage and how that has inspired him to want to do better and have a better relationship with his own kids. Des is touched, they get a private concert, and Brooks gets the rose. The date started off slow, but Brooks closed well.
-Next up is our first group date. Des and 14 dudes meet up at a mansion. They’re going to be starring in a rap video. This will certainly go well and not be offensive. SOULJA BOY SHOWS UP! Someone yells out “SUPAMAN THAT HO” and I think maybe I just died and went to heaven.
The music video is called “who’s here for the right reasons?” Not as good of a title as “Pretty boy swag,” but it’ll do.
It turns out that the lyrics and costumes the men put on are all related to contestants from past seasons of The Bachelorette. Something tells me that this is not appearing on Soulja Boy’s next album.
I started trying to describe the events that unfolded, but it was just too much for me to write down. To watch something that you love get murdered on national TV takes a lot out of you
Ben caused some tension at the post-date cocktail party by hogging Des. He and Des did some making out and Brandon watched from his Batman perch
I feel like I need to add “family is really important to me” to my drinking game list, every guy says that like they are expecting a rose on the spot for liking their family. So many guys said it that I lost count. Newsflash: it isn’t extraordinary to like your family.
Brandon sits down with Des and tells his life story. His dad abandoned him, his mom was a drug addict, he raised his siblings, never went to school, and so on. So earlier she was touched when Brooks poured out his heart to her, but it was kind of organic to the date. Just sitting down on a couch and telling that story to an overwhelmed Des, on the other hand, was uncomfortable.
Mikey decides to confront Ben about how he swooped in. Ben was having a hard time concealing his laughter.
Ben gets the rose. The contractors (Mikey and Brandon) are furious. Mikey seemed to stand out as an asshole on this date
-Bryden gets the next one-on-one. Their date is a California-themed road trip. First is the beach, then an orange grove, then a stop at a resort. Des is big on the idea that she is showing civilization to a country boy. Bryden doesn’t seem to mind the condescension. “Hey Bryden, have you seen these before? We call them shoes.”
At the dinner after the date, Bryden tells her about a brutal car accident he was in when he was in college and it changed his perspective on life. Then he pulled out pictures. Dude, why did you bring pictures of your car accident with you on this show?
This is possibly unfair because it is tough to learn much about somebody from a heavily edited 8 minute segment on TV, but Bryden didn’t seem like he had much to talk about other than “wow this is fun….this is fun….wow this is really fun…….this is awesome…we sure are having fun.” Des finally says “just kiss me already” because she saw he was having trouble coming up with synonyms for “fun.”
Bryden gets a rose, but I’m reminded of something someone once said to me- “Nice face, does it come with a personality?” [Actually she said “Get out of my face, can I get an Iron City?” but close enough] Bryden seems like a nice guy, but there may not be much going on under that bowl cut.
-Cocktail party time:
The guys decide they need to pull out all the stops to make an impression on Des before the rose ceremony.
Michael wants to tell his story of being diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Being the focus on this show has to be tough when everyone just throws tragic stories at you all the time.
Ben steals Des away for a minute and a lot of the guys are upset that someone with a rose is talking to her. Maybe it was a little bit of a dick move, but like all things on this show a minor affront quickly turns into an international incident (Juan Pablo was involved). The “omg he stole her away” drama is quite possibly the most ridiculous drama that happens on this show. But it happens every year and every year someone takes it seriously.
I’m not really buying Ben as the villain yet, since the guys that are complaining about him seem to be awful and annoying.
-The triumvirate of Ben haters (Mikey, Brandon, Michael) all get roses, so the rivalries should continue to develop next week.
Running “princess/Cinderella” tally: 3
Running “right/wrong reasons” tally: Alright, so I think to keep track of the actual number of times they said it this week would be impossible, considering that the rap song was entitled “right reasons” and the lyrics of that song appeared to be “right reasons, yeah right reasons, right reasons, yeah, right reasons.” So what I did was count the number of distinct conversations that involved right/wrong reasons discussion. Adding that to last week and we get 11 for the season so far.
Best Moment: The deer in the headlights look on Des’ face when the various guys just decided to sit down next to her and tell her their stories of personal tragedy as an attempt to stay on the show. Brandon’s lame excuse for being truant, Michael’s diabetes, she really had to smile and nod through a lot this week.
Worst Moment: At the very end of the episode they aired the rap video.
6. Brandon (Painting contractor, 26)
Brandon gets in the rankings this week because I think he is going to provide some good entertainment in the next week or two. He is unstable, uses his broken family as his excuse for why he never finished high school, and hates Ben. That is a winning formula.
5. James (Sales, 27)
James has positioned himself as the guy who humorously narrates events as they’re happening, so I’m putting him in the rankings. He also seems like a Brandon-type that will take it extremely personally if Des dares to talk to another guy when he is around.
4. Chris (Mortgage broker, 27)
He didn’t get much time this week, but I still think he’s a sleeper. I’m also just desperate to have a guy in the rankings that didn’t get involved in the “BEN STOLE HER” nonsense.
3. Bryden (Army, 26)
Welp, I said last week that he’d have to show that he had more intelligence and emotional depth than his dog. And so far the jury is out on that one. Again, he seems like a nice guy so I feel bad ragging on him when there are so many douchebags left to rag on instead. But Des’ attraction to him has to be solely physical. Des will keep him around so she can have a few more hot tub rendezvous with him, but I don’t think he can win.
2. Brooks (Sales & Marketing, 28)
In the early part of their date, I was ready to write Brooks off because it didn’t seem like much was happening between them. But he closed strong. His emotional tragedy story seemed to have a positive impact. And I have watched many Bachelor/Bachelorette private concerts where the contestants dance awkwardly, and he may have had the least awkward dance moves of anyone yet.
1. Ben (Entrepreneur, 28)
Ben had the best week of anyone. He got the rose on the group date and managed to STEAL Des away a few times to make out. He was also the subject of so many “wrong reasons” accusations that it would make Soulja Boy blush. I can’t decide yet if we’re supposed to think he’s a villain or if we’re supposed to think the guys who dislike him are whiny losers. I lean towards the latter at the moment, but I’ll acknowledge that Ben does have a phoniness about him that could lead to a five alarm wrong reasons alert later this season.
BOLD PREDICTION: In the previews for next week they teased that one of the guys’ girlfriends is coming back to confront him and accuse him of being there for the wrong reasons. This has happened before on the show and been totally legit. This time I am going to predict that it won’t cause a guy to get sent home. It will either be a prank, or the guy in question will convince Des that the ex girlfriend is a nutjob and he’ll get to stick around.