It’s our final week in Los Angeles!
-First up is a group date for Des and 10 guys . The guys are here to play dodgeball! A team of professional dodgeball players awaits them. I was going to say that showing up and seeing professional dodgeball players isn’t exactly intimidating until they showed a few of these guys ripping off Randy Johnson caliber fastballs
Chris Harrison shows up and it had to be SO hard not to unload on him with some dodgeballs. Harrison is here to do what he always does: divide the guys up into teams and force them to compete with each other in an embarrassing public spectacle.
The guys have to wear dumb looking old school gym uniforms that show off all of the terrible tribal tattoos they have.
Brooks manages to break his finger, and somehow the other guys are able to soldier on and play the game in his memory. It was truly heroic.
Even though the blue team won, Des decides to let the red team come to the after party anyway. I hate this. What was the point of the competition? What did Brooks lay his life on the line for? Don’t make them think that there are stakes when there are really no stakes. Maybe Brooks doesn’t sacrifice his favorite finger if he knows he gets to hang out with Des win or lose! This is AMERICA, Des. Not Soviet Russia where everyone got everything they wanted and it was a workers’ paradise!
At the after party, Brooks returns. He’s clearly high on painkillers, but he makes out with Des under a blanket. Chris steals her away and takes her to a rooftop balcony for a romantic interlude. He gets the rose and they head to a private concert and make out. Chris is a boss, folks.
-Prior to her next date, Des gets a call from Chris that causes her to go to the house to confront Brian. Allegedly, Brian has a girlfriend back home in Baltimore. Des asks him about his seriousness and he says he recently got out of a relationship but that they aren’t still friends or still in contact. The girlfriend arrives and accuses him of lying on national television. It appears that they were “on a break,” when he went out to California to be on the show. Brian disputes many aspects of her story, but admits that they slept together the weekend he left for California. Des has heard enough and sends him home. Guys, you HAVE to break up with your side piece at least two weeks before going on a reality dating show. If I have said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.
-After that unpleasantness, Kasey and Des are doing the standard Bachelor/Bachelorette rappelling date, with a twist. Halfway down the tall building they are going to learn to perform some mid-air acrobatics. I’ll be honest that looked pretty fun. And I can’t stop staring at Des in pink yoga pants.
They have dinner and drinks on top of the building, but they get a little distracted by high winds destroying everything. Their solution is to jump into a freezing cold pool. Normally we get the “rappelling is a metaphor for love,” on these dates, but instead we get the “jumping into a freezing cold pool is a metaphor for how terrible this date went.”
Kasey gets a rose, but it felt much more like a pity rose. The date had no chemistry. Sure, most of that wasn’t Kasey’s fault. But it might be a long while before he gets another chance to impress her.
-We have another date with Des and five guys [not the burger chain, unfortunately]. The guys load up in a stagecoach and head to a fake ranch.
This date is putting the guys through a “cowboy boot camp,” to promote Disney’s The Lone Ranger, in theaters July 3, 2013, starring Johnny Depp and Arnie Hammer!
The guys learn to lasso, street fight, and shoot pistols. You know, real cowboy stuff. Juan Pablo won the competition because he had a pretty plausible Antonio Banderas impression. His prize? He gets to watch Disney’s The Lone Ranger with Des! Disney’s The Lone Ranger, in theaters July 2, 2013, starring Johnny Depp and Arnie Hammer. Get your tickets, hi ho silver, TODAY!
James gets the rose at the after party, but several guys made a strong play for it. Tough loss for Juan Pablo who had to endure Disney’s The Lone Ranger and leave rose-less.
-There is no cocktail party this week, instead there is a pool party. Semantics? Ben sneaks away to greet her as she arrives and they take a drive. Total boss move. This guy might turn out to be a total phony asshole that the triumvirate of Mikey-Michael-Brandon thinks he is, but you have to respect his game to pull her away like that. The best anyone else is going to get is a few minutes alone yards away from all of the other guys. Ben just got a car ride and make out time.
Mikey decides he needs to pull Ben aside. He and Michael say that they are unhappy that Ben is untrustworthy to the other dudes in the house. This is just so fucking stupid. Why would Ben give a shit if Mikey and Michael want to be his friend? This is a competition, you have to try and stand out. Ben is standing out. If you want to make friends you’re on the wrong show.
-At the rose ceremony, Dan and Brandon go home. Mikey and Michael seem irate that Ben gets a rose. Color me shocked!
-Running “Cinderella/Princess” count: 4
-Running “Right/wrong reasons” count: 15
Best Moment: During the throwdown between Brian and his girlfriend, he says that he felt like he could come on the show because their relationship was extremely toxic, citing the example that she threw rocks at him. Her response, in a completely non-chalant tone, was “Yes, I threw rocks at your face..” To me, I think it is going to be hard to top this moment– where a woman admits that she threw rocks at someone’s face, did not think it was a big deal, and still thought that they were in a relationship. Maybe I’m a little wet behind the ears in matters of the heart, but when rocks meet face? I think that’s time to call it a wrap on the relationship. The mental imagery of her throwing rocks at him, that was my favorite moment.
Worst Moment: At the pool party, Brandon pulls Des aside. He tells Des that he is in love with her and then forces her to kiss him. That was definitely more on the side of creepy than romantic. He gets sent home, and melts down. I think this is a good situation for him because he really needs to see a therapist before he gets involved romantically. He also needs to finish painting my deck.
6. Kasey (Advertising, 29)
I was hesitant to even include him because their date seemed like such a dud. THEY HUGGED AT THE END! But I didn’t really see enough from the others to unseat him.
5. Bryden (Veteran, 26)
Bryden solidified his position as the guy she is most physically attracted to tonight. He also continued to show that he has trouble with words with more than two syllables. He seems like a genuine guy more so than many of these jerks, so I do hope he is able to hang around for a while. Or maybe I hope he gets sent home so he can get back to a normal life that much faster? I just want what’s best for him is I guess what I am trying to say.
4. Brooks (Sales & Marketing, 28)
Brooks broke his finger playing a child’s game for absolutely no reason. Des couldn’t wait more than 60 seconds upon his return to make out with him, though. He’s in this to stay for a while.
3. James (Sales, 27)
James worked his ass off to get the rose on the group date. It seems like Des has him pegged as a guy she wants to keep around through these first few weeks where the filler guys are eliminated. He has also provided some good one-liners to keep the show interesting. I’ll be interested to see how he does when he gets a one-on-one. If he doesn’t get one soon he could be in danger of becoming the quintessential guy that shines on group dates but never gets to form an individual connection with her.
2. Chris (Mortgage Broker, 27)
I may be alone in this, but I really see Chris as an under the radar contender. The way he pulled her away to a quiet romantic interlude on the roof was the type of move that gets you far in this contest.
1. Ben (“Entrepreneur,” 28)
Ben pulled the biggest boss move of the week by stealing Des away right before the pool party. Michael, Mikey, and some others in the house are ripping him for being dishonest and evil, but I’m still not buying it. All he has done is go above and beyond in trying to impress Des. We haven’t seen him shit talk other guys or do anything dastardly. Maybe it’s coming, and that potential is why he hangs on to the #1 spot this week.
BOLD PREDICTION: I don’t think this is that bold, but I think Ben is going to easily outlast the Mikey-Michael alliance. They really come across as terribly whiny sore losers, and I don’t think Des will like that.