The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week 5

This week brings us to Munich

Munich

Interesting fact:  Munich’s official colors are black and yellow.  Some say it’s because those were the colors of the Louis IV, a Munich native, who became Holy Roman Emperor.  Others say it’s because they are big Wiz Khalifa fans.  Unfortunately, the official record was lost during the war.

-The first date of the day goes to Chris.  Chris and Des are going on the old Bachelorette favorite date- the walking around a foreign city date!  Neither of them speak much German, so this is going to be wacky! They eat German sausage and try on lederhosen and dance around to some German polka tunes. How delightfully German!

As they are on the date, we cut back to the hotel and see Bryden still feeling emo. He decides that he wants to go home because “his feelings aren’t really progressing.” That’s as good of a reason to go home as I can think of. Hard to fault him for not wanting to waste his time or her time if he doesn’t want to be there. Bryden, you’re alright in my book.

Though probably could have waited until after Chris’ date so that he wouldn’t ruin her day while Chris is trying to run game. Des tries to make the best of it but she seems totally bummed out. She really wanted that bowl cut in the fantasy suite.

Chris reads her some poetry at dinner. I groaned when he pulled out his poem, but Des starts CRYING and then makes out with him. They cap the date off with a private concert and a slow dance in a castle. Two thumbs up for Chris, even after the sabotage attempt by Bryden.

-Next up is a group date for Des and 7 guys.  They’re going to sled race down the highest peak in Germany

zugspitze

Looks like fun!

“Love is like sledding down this hill..”  says Zak.

pissed-off-o

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?  No. No, love is not like sledding down the hill.

Afterwards, they go into an ice hotel! That actually looks really cool. Get it? Really cooool? I’ll see myself out.

Zak drops a bomb on Des that he was planning on becoming a priest. The mental image of that will never, ever leave my head.

Ultimately Brooks gets the rose with his trademark sense of humor. James is irate, I sense a budding rivalry.

-THUNDERDOME

thunderdome

Two men enter.  One man leaves.

Michael vs. Ben.  This should be great because these two guys aren’t just friendly rivals, they legitimately hate each other.

Michael says he’s learned a few tactics as a lawyer that he’s going to use on Ben.  It turns out that his tactics are just being a huge asshole:

  • Michael decides to try to expose Ben as an absentee father by asking him how often he’s talked to his son since he came on the show
  • He plays the “Ben doesn’t get along with the other guys” card
  • He interrupts Ben talking about his faith to point out he didn’t call his son on Easter.
  • He accuses Ben of denying the Holocaust

Des isn’t enjoying this, and who can blame her? Being in the middle of a cat fight is never fun.  Des tells Michael privately that he doesn’t need to focus so much on hating Ben, he could maybe try liking her.  Michael says that Ben is only on the show to promote his bar.

After an entire day of trolling Ben, Michael ends up getting the rose!  I am legitimately shocked.  I figured she’d send Ben home for being a phony and Michael home for being a jack ass.  This is a history-making upset.   In the limo home Ben talks about going out to get drunk.  That gave him some redemption in my book.

-Back at the house, Kasey and Drew tell the other guys that they overheard James telling Mikey that being on this show will get him a lot of women and if he goes far enough he could even get to be the next Bachelor.  I believe that he would say such a thing.  I don’t believe that a rational reaction to that on Drew’s part is to be shaking with anger.  Something is really off about Drew.  It doesn’t mean he’s wrong about James though.

Des decides to forego the cocktail party, so Drew never has a chance to drop his bombshell. He really dropped the ball, he should have pulled the “interrupt the rose ceremony” gambit.  Instead, James gets a rose and Mikey gets the boot.

Running “cinderella/princess” references count:   4

Running “right reasons” count:   20.  These guys are really concerned about the right reasons.

Best Moment:   Juan Pablo struggled to say “yodeler” when they met a yodeler.  It took him 5 tries and he still didn’t quite get it.

Worst Moment:   I’ve just got to re-vist Zak’s comment equating love to sledding down a giant mountain.  “Going downhill” is usually said to imply that something bad is happening or that something is in decline.   Sort of like Zak’s performance on this show! Am I right? Am I right?  I’ll see myself out.   Oh, wait, did anyone else notice that Zak was wearing a deep V-neck shirt, even on top of the FREAKING MOUNTAIN?  Everyone else looked freezing cold and this jerk has his jacket unzipped and his V-neck shirt on.   I wouldn’t trust this guy to handle my drilling fluid, I can tell you that much.

POWER RANKINGS:

Michael

6.  Michael G (King Troll, 33)

I don’t like this guy, but he knocked off Ben and that’s gotta count for something.

Drew

5. Drew (Eavesdropper, 27)

Drew moves back into the rankings this week because he is making a power move of trying to take out James.  Will it work?  I doubt it, but it should be great TV.

Juan Pablo

4. Juan Pablo (Has an accent, 31)

With Bryden back in Montana, Juan Pablo is moving into the designated fantasy suite hitter spot.  He needs a one-on-one soon so we can continue to hear him pronounce things.

James

3.  James (Future Bachelor?!?, 27)

It really isn’t hard to believe that James is a douchebag phony just on the show to get famous, is it?  He also showed a frightening amount of insecurity on the group date.  I don’t know if he’s going home soon, but when he does I think he could have the meltdown of a lifetime.

brooks was here

2.  Brooks (Sales & Marketing, 28)

Brooks cemented his status as a true contender by getting that group date rose.  Des also said to Chris Harrison something along the lines of Brooks being her favorite to kiss or something.  I wasn’t paying close attention, I never do when Chris Harrison is around.

Chris

1.  Chris (Mortgage Broker, 27)

Chris was thrown a curveball with the Bryden drop-in on his date, but he handled it masterfully.  He has to keep his foot on the gas, the goofy guys can flame out in this show/my life when the Bachelorette says they start out well but never find the passion.  Luckily for Chris, everyone else is pretty busy having cat fights and running bars back home.

BOLD PREDICTION:  They teased the big James reveal next week.  I think it is going to be a massacre.  All kinds of dirt is coming out and multiple guys are getting the boot.  There will be blood.

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