Five guys left!
This week brings us to Madeira
Madeira’s discovery is the subject of a famous romantic legend. Sometime in the 1300s, an English explorer named Robert Machin and his mistress were exploring and got lost at sea. They were lost for weeks, before finally discovering Madeira. Tragically, the explorer’s lover died of exhaustion before they could reach the shore. In some versions of the tale, the explorer landed on the beach and sent the crew of his ship back home (and thus letting the world know about the island), remaining on the island so as not to abandon his love. In other versions of the tale they die together on the beach. In the factual version of the tale, the explorer never existed and the islands were well-known by Mediterranean sailors before their official colonization in the 1400s.
Des has invited Catherine, Lesley, and Jackie from last season! They’re here to judge the remaining guys. Here’s a summary of their conversation:
–Brooks gets the first one-on-one. They are taking a road trip up to the top of a huge mountain!
They have a nice picnic on top of the mountain. They’re at cloud level, so Des says “welcome to cloud nine.” They chat about their romance, and agree that things are EASY. Des said before the date that she wanted to see a little more from Brooks. Was this enough? I think it was. Des then forces Brooks to recycle the “cloud nine” joke and I kind of hoped they would get confused in all of the fog and accidentally walk off the cliff.
Brooks doesn’t drop the L-bomb though, and Des seemed like she was BEGGING for it. Instead Brooks and Des came up with some weird jogging analogy and said that they are “running” but aren’t at “the finish line.” Then some fireworks started and they mixed in fireworks analogies too. I had to mentally check out of that one before I got too confused. I think it went well?
–Chris gets the next one-on-one. They hop onto a rather large yacht and head out to a deserted island for a picnic. Chris has an idea that they write a poem together and put it in a bottle and send it out to sea. I’m sure the person who cleans the beach that finds it two hours later is going to find it really endearing! Littering aside, it was a very romantic idea that Des really enjoyed.
At dinner, Chris is trying to summon up the courage to drop the L-bomb. He clearly needs to drink a lot more wine. After enough wine I’ll tell everyone I see on the street that I love them and I will genuinely mean it. Chris finally works up the courage and recites a poem that ends with “I love you.” Des ate it up, so even though he was sober and nervous, that gets boss move of the week designation.
–Michael gets his first one-on-one. I was kind of hoping he’d get another two-on-one so we could watch him be an asshole for an entire date again. I was worried we weren’t going to get a “walking around” date, but here we go!
They sled down a huge hill. That looked pretty fun, until Michael said “hey, love is a wild ride, it has moments when you’re scared..” and then I wished I was a dead english explorer on the beach. This is a strange thing to notice, but Des had a really weird laugh when she was rolling down the hill. It was very off-putting. If this had been an amusement park date and I heard that laugh I would have ditched her in the haunted house and peaced out.
Michael tells a bunch of BORING stories at the dinner afterwards, but he closes on a strong note by opening up emotionally and talking about how he has had his heart broken before but he’s ready to love again. That didn’t seem like it went especially well compared to the other dates, but I wouldn’t rule him out yet.
–Drew and Zak are going on a two-on-one date where the loser does NOT get summarily executed, so it is not Thunderdome. The winner does get a rose, guaranteeing a hometown date, so the stakes are still high.
Zak and Drew are going to have a go-kart race. Not the kind of activity that is very unique to this location, but the go-kart track they’re going on looks pretty legit. Des encourages them to have a Death Race, but Zak wins without any bloodshed.
“Love is like the adrenaline you get when you are speeding through a race.”- Zak. Zak has to be the leader in analogies this season, it seems like every week I am getting angry at him for that.
Rather than say “I love you” during his alone time, Zak decides that that would be disrespectful to Drew. Probably, but two-on-one dates are all about being disrespectful to the other guy! Just ask Michael!
Drew tells Des that he has fallen for her, and he gets the rose. You gotta step it up Zak.
Rose Ceremony: Michael goes home! USA! USA! USA! Michael takes it like a class act and wishes her the best rather than going out with his middle fingers up, surprisingly enough. Des says that he’s a great guy but her relationship with him just didn’t grow like it did with the other guys. I think that is just code for “you’re an asshole.”
Running “Cinderella/princess” count: 4
Running “right reasons” count: 23. Both counts are stagnant, I think we might be done with them for the season.
Best Moment: Michael goes home. He’s probably not as big of a jerk as this show made him look, but even if he’s only half as much of a jerk he is still a pretty gigantic jerk. Seeing how bored Des looked on their date really makes you wonder why she kept him around this long. But he did some heavy-lifting for her in eliminating Ben and James, so he’ll always have that.
Worst Moment: When Des met up with her girls from last season, she asked Catherine how things are with Sean. Rather than just say “good,” she went on a long rant about how perfect their love is. Hey, Catherine, remember how Des was heart-broken that Sean didn’t pick her? Way to twist that knife. Catherine also appeared to ask Des which of the guys has the biggest…..Michael……. This is a family show, Catherine.
4. Zak (Drilling fluid engineer, 31)
I was ready to write Zak’s obituary after he passed on “opening up” to Des on their date out of “respect” for Drew. Hometown week might offer him a chance to jump up the rankings, I feel like his home life sounds less screwed up than some of these guys.
3. Brooks (Cloud Nine, 28)
I think Brooks is hanging in there, but he slipped up by only telling Des “I run you” when guys were dropping L-bombs all over the place. Still, they do seem like they have a good connection. The hometown week is such a wild card he might be able to get back in this.
2. Chris (Serial Litterer, 28)
Hard to drop Chris down because I think he had a great week overall. The poetry stuff is still destroying Des and they seemed like they were on the same page when it came to talking about their future.
1. Drew (“Digital marketing analyst,” 27)
It’s hard to deny Drew the top spot this week. Even without a one-on-one date he still was able to go for the gold and emote all over her. Des is also pretty consistently gushing about how hot he is. Something about him still rubs me the wrong way, but he is outpacing the field right now.
BOLD PREDICTION: Last season, Des’ brother famously caused some serious tension when he confronted Sean about how he could date Des while simultaneously dating other women. I think something similar will happen this year. We aren’t going to have a dangerous looking psycho brother like we did in Des’ family, but I think we’ll see an overprotective mother do some damage.