Well, we’ve seen the previews and heard Chris Harrison hyping this up for weeks, but it is finally here. The Finale. Is it going to be as dramatic/shocking/controversial as Harrison promised, or will it be a bigger dud than Bryden? Let’s find out.
The finale is in Antigua! Where the hell is Antigua, you ask? Why, it’s in the eastern Caribbean, you moron. It is famous for being one of the few islands not mentioned in the Beach Boys’ classic song about a haunted island, “Kokomo.”
Des sums her feelings on the guys:
-Chris gets “sincere,” “sweet,” “boyish charm,” and “awkward.”
-Drew gets “passionate,” “romantic,” and about 10,000 synonyms for “hot.”
-Brooks gets “one of a kind” and “LOVE.”
So Chris is her quirky friend, Drew is a hot guy she has a crush on, and Brooks is her love. Is that about where we stand? Time for the dates:
Des and Drew drive up to a block party. There are steel drums, so that means dancing and limbo. I bet Drew hopes this date doesn’t end with him in limbo, right?? Drew bores me. I mentally tuned out during a lot of this because I was tired of looking into his beady eyes. I doubt I missed anything earth-shattering.
In the most obvious move in history, Drew gets the fantasy suite invite. Des has spent this entire season saying how she thinks Drew is, so even Drew’s sister saw this coming.
Chris gets a helicopter date AND a private island date. That’s respect. Chris gives Des high marks on her baseball swing. Sure, but her BABIP is do for a huge regression. Chris says he wants Des to move to Seattle. Like everyone who is on this show, Des more likely has plans of moving to Hollywood and trying to parlay this into fame. But she says she’s open to the idea. Yeah, just like I’m open to the idea of watching this show sober. Chris gets the fantasy suite invite though. He reads her a poem and suggests they spend time under the stars. Stop showing off, Chris.
There wasn’t much pop in either date, I think because they know everyone is waiting for what is coming next:
Brooks sits down with Chris Harrison and basically says he isn’t in love with Des and pretty much wants to go home. He thinks that he should have certain feelings at this point in the game, and he doesn’t. He WANTS to love Des, but he doesn’t. Tough to fault the man for being honest. He seems genuine in that he is upset at how much he is going to hurt Des. In the reality of this TV show, Brooks is now history’s greatest villain. But in the reality of reality? He’s a guy who went on a few dates with a girl and liked her but realized he didn’t see a future in it. Is that so unreasonable?
But yeah, ignoring reality and buying back into the universe of The Bachelorette, this is pretty shocking and appalling and I need tissues. Chris Harrison not so subtly threatens Brooks with physical harm, but his mind is made up.
Meanwhile, we find out Brooks was supposed to go on a catamaran date!
Catamarans are the dune buggies of the sea! In the world of The Bachelorette, the catamaran date is like a helicopter date AND a walking around exploring date combined, and Brooks is throwing it away. This is going to be painful. Brooks sits Des down, and she can tell it’s a break-up conversation and the waterworks start flowing. This is hard to watch, it is like an amalgamation of all terrible break-up conversations. You have the mutual crying, the “why??” questions, the sobbing, the discussions about feelings, the forced apologies, liberal usage of the word “love”, my dog begging for treats in the middle of it, the dumpee making arguments as if this is based on reason, the awkward hugging. It really had it all.
Brooks seems a little surprised when Des says that she loves him. Maybe he misread this situation and will change his mind? HAHA, NOPE, he’s leaving.
Cliff notes version: Des says she loves Brooks, Brooks says “sorry” a lot and finally leaves. I was really hoping Brooks would pull the ultimate villain move of suggesting they still use the fantasy suite before he leaves, but he went out without throwing any daggers. Other than the giant one he left in her heart, that is.
-Des says that she has two amazing guys left, but that she doesn’t think she can love them as much. And we fade to black…..
Best Moment: This is a tough one this week. How about when Chris Harrison told Brooks that he was going to be the most hated man in America if he did this? I know, he didn’t explicitly say it, but he damn sure implied it! “Hey Brooks, you’d better propose to this girl you don’t love or people are going to be angry.” One of these days I’d really like to see someone challenge Chris Harrison to a bare-knuckles boxing match on a catamaran in international waters.
Worst Moment: Oh, gee, I don’t know, maybe it was the HOUR LONG BREAK UP CONVERSATION?
BOLD PREDICTION: I’m really unsure how this one is going to unfold. There’s two distinct possibilities. One is that she decides that Brooks was it for her and so she’s going to reject Drew and Chris. Two is that she gets over Brooks (or is forced by ABC into pretending that she is) and does end up getting engaged to Drew or Chris. I think the first is the much more logical option. But because this show exists in a world entirely devoid of logic, I am going for the stupid option and saying that she is going to say yes when Drew proposes.
Side prediction: Brooks returns for the live studio show and gets Lee Harvey Oswald’d on live TV.
That or he blames everything on his family, punches Drew in the face, and rides off into the sunset with Des. I think I’ll go with that one.