The Bachelor: Preemptive Power Rankings

We are one month away from the premier of the next season of The Bachelor. ABC was kind enough to put up bios of the women who are going to be vying for Juan Pablo’s heart.

juan pablo


I don’t know about you, but for me, seeing these pictures is a little like seeing presents wrapped under the Christmas tree. There is so much excitement in the unknown. When I was younger (and I actually got presents that weren’t boring things like ties, books, and cleverly disguised eviction notices) I’d stare at the presents sitting there under the tree and try to determine just from looking at them what they might be. These bios present the same opportunity. Which women will be the ones that Juan Pablo takes a shining to? Which ones will embarrass themselves on the first night? Which one will be the villain who is there for the wrong reasons? There’s no way of knowing, but there’s nothing wrong with some baseless speculating.

So, let’s jump to conclusions, let’s judge books by their covers, and let’s totally objectify some women with the preseason top 12:


12.  Lacy

Lacy’s occupation is “nursing home owner.”  How does a 25 year old come into owning a nursing home?  I’m imagining a bunch of sick old people just locked in her basement.  Her bio also notes that she has 10 siblings.  No chance she is sane.


11. Maggie

Maggie has what I like to refer to as “crazy eyes.”  I can’t describe what constitutes crazy eyes, but I know it when I see it.  Her answer to the “city or country” question is also one of those things that crazy people say.


10.  Christy

Christy is one of the few girls wearing black.  I think they did that to tip us off that she is a villain.

Amy J

9. Amy J

Amy J has a major case of the crazy eyes.  Her favorite sports team is also the LA Clippers, a strong indication that she is insane.


8. Cassandra

Cassandra is a “former NBA dancer.”  I’m sure Juan Pablo appreciates you putting your former career on your entry form as his career all of last season was listed as “former professional soccer player.”  She is also 5’10” and ain’t nothing wrong with that.

Amy L

7. Amy L

First of all, Amy, just what would say you are wearing?  A shirt that has roses all over it?  That’s a little heavy-handed.  She also has multiple cats, and we all know that there is a strong correlation between the number of cats a person owns and how psychotic they are.


6. Chelsie

Chelsie’s career is “science educator.”  Can’t you just say “teacher”?  Her favorite author is J.K. Rowling, author of childrens books.  I think this one has high villain potential.


5. Kylie

Kylie has a strong set of crazy eyes.  Her favorite board game is “Jumanji.”  Jumanji of course being the movie starring Robin Williams about a board game that causes jungle animals to attack you when you play it.  I don’t think it was ever a real game before that movie, it was just released as a promotional tie-in.  For Kylie to list that as her favorite board game shows such a startling lack of intelligence and good judgment that this girl is going to be a delight to watch if she can manage how to figure out how to get out of the limousine on the first night.  Given that her favorite game is fucking Jumanji, I think her being able to operate a car door isn’t a safe bet.


4.  Alexis

I thought Alexis was hot, so sue me.  She lists Home Alone 2 as one of her favorite movies, I’m interested in why.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a good movie.  But I don’t know many people that consider it to be a superior entry in the Home Alone canon to the original film.  Her favorite book is The Bible, so she is either really sweet or really crazy.


3. Kelly

-Nice to meet you, Kelly. So what do you do for a living?

-I’m a dog lover.

-Excuse me? I thought you said “dog lover.”

-Yeah, I mean, I just really love dogs, you know?

-Sure, but I asked what your JOB is..

-I told you, I love dogs.


2. Nikki

Her answer to the dancing question says it all.


1.  Victoria

She’s hot and Brazilian, do I really need to explain this?

So that is my preseason top 12.  We’ll see how they do on January 6th.

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