The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week One

It’s been too long, but here we are for another season of The Bachelor.

1352647072_6779_the-bachelor

 

Juan Pablo is our bachelor this season.

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If you didn’t watch last season- why? Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Anyways, Juan Pablo is a former professional soccer player and current single dad. He didn’t get very far with Desiree, but he won over America with his his handsomeness. He does seem like a genuinely nice guy with a great story, but he was really only picked because the studio audience was swooning out of their seats at the very sight of him. But I’m not hating, people have been picked for more important things for worse reasons. Like [insert name of US president you dislike here], am I right?! On to the show:

We’re in Los Angeles! They have this show at the same mansion every year. How long do
you think it takes to steam clean the whole thing after the season? Just think of all the
fake tanning products and tears that need to be washed off the floors and walls every
year.

Juan Pablo meets with Sean (the previous Bachelor) to get some tips and Sean tells a story
about Catherine killing a skunk or something. I was kind of zoning out so I might have
missed the finer points of Sean’s pep talk.

27 women are here to meet Juan Pablo and try to win his heart.

Highlights of the introductions:

-Almost all of the women say something to the effect of “Juan Pablo and I seem like a great match,” but when they elaborate their reasoning is something to the effect of “He’s really sexy.”  Finally some honesty on this show.

-Nikki is a pediatric nurse and she breaks out a stethoscope so Juan Pablo can hear her heart beat.  Memorable intro and you get him to put his hands on you within 30 seconds of meeting him? Bravo, Nikki.

-Kat salsa danced with Juan Pablo when she got out of the limo.  Salsa seems to be the way to Juan Pablo’s heart.  Salsa is also the way to my heart, but a different kind of salsa.

Marry me

Marry me

-Lauren S. is a music producer, and she rides up to Juan Pablo driving a piano bike!  She plays him a song and she misses some notes, but I think we can forgive her because who knows how long she’s been pedaling that thing.  Juan Pablo gives her a chance to go inside, catch her breath, and shower off the piano sweat.

-Andi is a prosecutor that specially focuses on gangs and drug crimes.  Not only is Andi intelligent and sassy, but she is a ruthless shark in the courtroom.  ABC was kind enough to gives us a look at the face of her opposition, just look how helpless he looks:

"Welp, guess my client's going to jail again"

“Welp, guess my client’s going to jail again”

-Kelly’s career is listed as “dog lover,” and she arrives with a dog.  I was considering putting this in the “lowlights” section, but damned if that dog didn’t have a snappy bandanna on.  The dog’s wardrobe won me over and that’s all there is to it.

Lowlights of the introductions:

-Lauren S. is a mineral coordinator from Oklahoma.  In her introduction video she basically admits that she is here because she was recently dumped.  Always a strong move to announce that you’re here on the rebound.

-Clare gets out of the limo with a pregnant belly.  It is of course fake, but that was such a bad move to pull as a first impression.  Fake pregnancy scare is a third date move, everyone knows that.

-Chris H. has a career listed as “TV host.”  This guy seems like a total asshole and I hate him.

-Lucy is a self-described “free spirit,” which means she works in retail.  She arrives wearing a hippie outfit and bare feet.  Juan Pablo notes that she is “a little crazy.”  This guy is pretty astute after all.

On to the cocktail party:

-Juan Pablo breaks the ice by bringing in some music and starting a dance party.  As the Bachelor, he is not eligible to win my “Boss Move of the Week” prize, but that was totally the Boss Move of the Week.

-It’s only the first week and people are only concerned about who is getting time with Juan Pablo and who isn’t.  Lauren S. cried about it, Lauren S. is the first night crier.  There is always (at least) one.  Lauren cried in several different rooms of the house.  At this point, I wouldn’t trust her with my minerals.  When she finally gets her time with Juan Pablo she immediately brings up her broken her engagement.  Lauren, you don’t need to be here right now.  You need to go back to Oklahoma, talk to a therapist, and then think about getting back on the market.  It doesn’t take a mineral expert to see that she isn’t getting a rose.

-Amy J. is a massage therapist.  It took about 5 seconds of Amy to see that she is a certifiable nutjob.  Her vignette showed her giving an awkwardly sexual massage to a client, and she talked about how she is looking for “a man she could rub.”  SHE SAID THAT, THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE.  She pulls Juan Pablo aside to give him a massage, and it quickly became something that ABC nearly had to censor.  This honestly happened:

Amy J2

-Sharleen is an opera singer and from the get-go I thought she seemed like she didn’t belong here.  It seemed like she stepped out of the limousine unwillingly, as if she was someone who was just thrown into this show rather than someone who auditioned for it.  She talks to Juan Pablo about her experiences living abroad (presumably to sing opera?) and gets the all-important First Impression Rose.  But she seems skeptical about accepting it!  She honestly seemed to be suddenly very skeptical of this entire process.

Best Moment: Lacy is sent home.  Lacy is a stunningly beautiful woman that owns a nursing home.  In her introduction video she talks about how she has multiple siblings with special needs that she helped raise and it was her passion for helping people that inspired her to operate a nursing home.  Lacy is basically the perfect human being, so she doesn’t belong on this show.  I’m glad she’s back to helping people instead of wasting her time competing with a bunch of brain dead harlots to see who can fall in love the fastest.  Sending her home was a net positive for humanity, so props to Juan Pablo.

Worst Moment:  Kylie thinks she gets a rose.  In the final moments of the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo looked in the direction of Kat and called her name.  Kat was standing directly behind Kylie.  Even though “Kylie” and “Kat” don’t sound very similar, Kylie must have chalked it up to the Venezuelan accent because she started strutting forward.  But Juan Pablo had called out Kat.  Kylie had to return to her spot, giggled like an idiot, and then didn’t get a rose.  It was the first, of what will hopefully be many, painfully awkward moments this season.

POWER RANKINGS:

Nikki

6. Nikki (Pediatric Nurse, 26)

Her stethoscope thing was probably my favorite icebreaker. She seems pretty self-aware and like she has a great sense of humor, I see her going places.

Amy L

5. Amy L. (Local TV Reporter, 27)

As a local TV reporter in Florida, she is used to dealing with insane and dangerous people on a daily basis.  That makes her perfect to handle the other women in this competition.  She could talk to me about school closings and house fires anytime.

andi

4. Andi (Assistant District Attorney, 26)

Andi and Juan Pablo seemed to have some instant chemistry.  She also seems a little intense, so I have her high on my leaderboard for potential fighting and tears.

claire

3. Clare (Mother to Be Hairstylist, 32)

Clare’s fake pregnancy gambit overloaded my crazy detector.  Anyone willing to do that is going to be someone that is going to go over the top in trying to win Juan Pablo.  She honestly might murder one (or all) of the other girls.

sharleen

2. Sharleen (Opera Singer, 29)

Sharleen is interesting because she seemed like she instantly began to regret coming on the show as soon as she talked to Juan Pablo.  I think a little skepticism of the show has to be natural for an intelligent person.  You find yourself in a mansion with girls who say they’re already falling in love with Juan Pablo and other girls who are giving him erotic massages, if you don’t react with skepticism I think you are dumber than Kelly’s dog.  But in the world of the Bachelor you have to be all in.  It’s also possible her skepticism is actually just deep-seated insecurity, which is a GOLDMINE for us the viewers.  Keep an eye on this one.

renee

1. Renee (Real estate agent, 32)

Renee and Juan Pablo hit it off instantly when they bonded over both being single parents.  Juan Pablo is looking for love, but he’s also looking for someone who is ready to be a step-mom. It’s never easy to tell for certain, but she also seemed fairly stable and normal compared to most of the other women.

BOLD PREDICTION:   Amy J’s massage parlor is about to see a huge uptick in business and then also an investigation by whatever agency it is that investigates massage parlors that are clear fronts for brothels.

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