The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 2

Week 2.  Traditionally this is the week of the first dates, the first action, the first examination of whether everyone is here for the right reasons.  Not the first tears though because we already had plenty.  Los Angeles

la noire


Clare gets the first one on one. She puts on a bomber jacket, and he puts a blindfold on her and they hit the road.

They end up somewhere with snow. You know what’s great about California? You can surf in the morning and drive into the mountains and find some fake snow at night. They go sledding and frolicking in the winter wonderland. Juan Pablo is a better ice skater than I would have expected for a non-senior citizen from Florida.

They have a steamy time in the hot tub (HAHAHAHA GET IT?) and she also opens up about the loss of her father. And gets the rose! Then ruins the moment and says “you taste like snow.”

After the hot tub, they get a private concert! Juan Pablo broke out the big guns for Clare, he clearly has high hopes for her.  And Clare is totally buying into it.

Clare says “this goes down as hands down the best date I’ve ever had.”  Man, who would have imagined that an improbable date that probably cost thousands of dollars and featured a private concert would seem so great?  I reckon that you could be Aloysious Q. Nerdlinger and seem impressive to a girl on a date like that.  Anyway, Clare solidified herself as a contender

-Kat gets the next one on one. Juan Pablo takes her to a private jet. A private concert and a private jet in one week? If we have a rappeling date and a helicopter date next week we’ll already have hit Bachelor bingo.

It turns out that their flight is headed to Party Central, USA- SALT LAKE CITY UTAH! They are at the “electric race.” Which is apparently a mash-up between a rave and a 5k. All of the people that took Molly beforehand probably have an unfair advantage. Or they’re dead.

Thousands of puns about how there is “electricity” in the air later, they arrive at a big concert and get on stage and dance. I give Kat major props because she jumped up there and wasn’t afraid to show off her moves in front of thousands of screaming idiots. This wasn’t her first rave. She gets the rose.  It was weird to me that they never showed the part of the date where they got alone time after the rave.  They also didn’t show the mass marriage that I assume happened afterwards.

-Juan Pablo and 13 women go on a date.  Looks like Utah rubbed off on him.  They’re going to do a photo shoot, which should go well because most of these girls are failed and/or aspiring models.   The photo shoot is with a bunch of dogs.  Kelly the dog lover is…..loving this.

Several of the girls get goofy costumes, some get dresses, some get swimsuits, and a few of the girls are asked to pose nude


Andi and Elise are uncomfortable with being asked to pose nude, and it’s tough to blame them. Not really fair that some of the girls get to wear costumes and dresses and then two have to be nude. At least offer them the opportunity to volunteer. Elise negotiates out of it by offering Lucy the chance to be a naked free spirit. Andi was extremely hesitant about the nude modeling, but she ends up going through with it. That was a really weird call on Juan Pablo’s part to have that element in the date.  Nothing like making some of your ladies really uncomfortable/jealous.

Afterwards, it’s time to get drunk. I usually have to get drunk before I get naked, but this is LA so they must have different rules.

The girls were taking their opportunities to get some one on one time with Juan Pablo. It was getting intense, so Victoria decided to get hammered.  At first she goes on a rant about straddling people, in particular Juan Pablo. Then she decides to go see Juan Pablo but she gets drunk and embarrassed so runs to the bathroom to have a meltdown. And WHAT a meltdown it was. She yells “fuck the other girls” and “fuck Juan Pablo” and decides that she wants to go home immediately. When a producer explains to her that she can go home but he needs to make some travel arrangements, she skips gleefully back to the bathroom floor.

Juan Pablo doesn’t give her the rose for some reason, instead it goes to Kelly because she was a “good sport.”  Dumb.

-Juan Pablo goes to visit Victoria in her hotel (!) and she apologizes.  Juan Pablo is very gracious and doesn’t scold her, but bottom lines it and says that he can’t have a drunken trainwreck as the new mom for his daughter.  She gone.  Once again Juan Pablo prevents a girl from winning Boss Move of the Week by stealing it for himself.  Bit of a glass ceiling developing here.

Rose Ceremony: Amy L and Chantel get the boot.  I was pretty surprised about Amy, she was adorable.  This just in: I miss her already.

Best Moment:  Victoria’s explanation for why she is acting drunk:  I’m just fun.  I’m just fun when I’m sober, and if anyone knows anything, it’s that Juan Pablo loves fun.  Flawless logic.

Worst Moment:  Lucy’s “look at me” routine is already getting old.  She needs a good, old-fashioned hippie bashing from the LAPD.

Power Rankings:


6.  Sharleen (Opera Singer, 29)

Not much airtime for Sharleen this week so she had to slip in the rankings.  I don’t think she’s in any danger of slipping off his radar and I am standing by my prediction that she is secretly crazy.  Everything she says is very insecure.  So she’ll be climbing the rankings again in no time.


5.  Cassandra (Former NBA Dancer, 21)

Wait, she’s 21?  That seems young for this show.  Anyways, Cassandra had a bit of a meltdown over missing her son (understandable) and over not getting much time with Juan Pablo (stupid).  Juan Pablo used the moment to tell her how much he wanted her to stay, so I think it is obvious he thinks she has potential.


4.  Kat (Medical Sales Rep, 29)

Kat got an unorthodox date and rolled with it really well, that was impressive.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective?) there aren’t a lot of private jet mormon rave dates in real life.


3. Andi (Assistant District Attorney, 30)

Juan Pablo was definitely impressed that she posed nude for the homeless dogs campaign, and not just because he got to see her nude.  She seems like one of the few that might be a normal person in real life too.  (Other than the fact that she’s a lawyer because we all know lawyers are sociopaths.)  She needs a one on one soon to see if she can take it to the next level.


2.  Renee (Real Estate Agent, 32)

Juan Pablo is looking for mom material, and I don’t know entirely what that means, but I think she has it.  And not just because she’s a mom.  She has become to go-to person to help other people in the house during a meltdown.  She seems like a genuinely good person and Juan Pablo definitely has her high on his list too.


1.  Clare (Hairstylist, 32)

The person who gets the first date is usually an automatic contender, and I don’t think she’s an exception.  She is in this for the long haul, and she is definitely a simmering hot tub of crazy waiting to spill over.

BOLD PREDICTION:   Tensions will run high in the house next week and we’ll get our first physical altercation.

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One Response to The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 2

  1. JDawg says:

    I’d still let Victoria give me the Hymen Maneuver

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