The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week Three

El Bachelor, Week 3.  Time to separate el wheat from el chaff.  15 women are left. Los Angeles, you’re up.

City-of-Los-Angeles-Downtown-Sign

 

-The first one-on-one date goes to Cassandra.  Juan Pablo sets up this date as a way to see if he actually likes her so that if he doesn’t he can send her home to her kid and not waste her time.

They jump in a jeep that Juan Pablo drives directly into a lake.  It turns out he’s not a bad driver, it’s a combination jeep and jet ski.  Not quite a catamaran date, but not bad either.  We have our first “this date is a metaphor for love” comment as Cassandra alludes to having faith and jumping in.  Would have been better if she said something like “love is kind of like a water jeep because water jeeps are FUCKING AWESOME!”

They go back to Juan Pablo’s house and cook dinner and then do some dancing in the kitchen.  Water jeep, yacht, dinner, dance party.  This date is firing on all cylinders.  She gets the rose.  Cassandra passed the test.

-Next up is a group date, Juan Pablo and 10 girls are going to play soccer.  I’m surprised he doesn’t make them do this every week.  The girls are divided up into teams and Sharleen kept falling over.  She took a ball to the face.  Juan Pablo even shoved her over.  This is what Sharleen looked like most of the day:

raptor

The game evidently had no stakes. No roses were given out based on the results, the winners of the game didn’t get any extra time with JP, there was no point to any of it. Why put them through that, other than the hilarious sight of Sharleen blocking soccer balls with her face?

Andi and Juan Pablo break into a concession stand and make out inside the kitchen. All those fried foods are a major aphrodisiac. He takes Sharleen down onto the field and makes out with her too. All that freshly cut grass is a major aphrodisiac. Nikki gets the rose though. JP thinks a great conversation is better than making out I guess?  It takes all kinds.

Chelsie has the next one on one. They go get some Venezeulan food, it looked pretty damn good. This show makes me so hungry every week. After filling her stomach with food, he takes her to the top of a bridge to go tandem bungee jumping.

Juan Pablo’s idea backfires as they both seem terrified. Chelsie really doesn’t want to do it, but Juan Pablo says “do it for me.” This is the second week in a row where someone really didn’t want to do something and Juan Pablo applied a ton of pressure to get her to do it. That’s a disturbing trend developing. Chelsie says that this was the epitome of falling in love because someone has to force you to do it while you stand there crying.

After Chelsie recovers from her PTSD, they go out for a romantic dinner. “What are your fears” Chelsie asks. ROMANCE! Chelsie gets the rose, and then we have a private concert from Billy Currington! Billy Currington has a great song about how he wishes his girlfriend was more like his dog because his dog doesn’t talk back and shuts up once in a while. It would have been much funnier if that was the song he was performing.

Chelsie declares that this was the best date she’s ever been on.  You don’t say! Again, someone needs to remind these girls that once you finish this show you aren’t going to get private jets, private concerts from famous singers, soccer, etc.  Juan Pablo declares that Chelsie is wifey material, but is she #mommaterial?

-Back at the house, Juan Pablo shows up to surprise the girls by sneaking into the house and making breakfast. One of these days a woman is going to win Boss Move of the Week, but once again Juan Pablo wins it.

I’ll say one thing for this show, it has been a great advertisement for Venezuelan food because once again they are highlighting Venezuelan food and I get so frigging hungry.

Juan Pablo declares that they are going to have a pre-Rose Ceremony pool party instead of a cocktail party.

They all jump in the pool and Kat does the breast stroke. And by that I mean she shoves her breasts in his face. The other girls start to get jealous that she is hogging him. Sharleen in particular starts to melt down and cries and cries and cries. I’ve been saying it for weeks but this girl has some issues, despite seemingly being one of the more normal people on this show. But she translated it into another make-out session, so maybe crying is a good move?

Sharleen feeling really insecure and then getting to make out with Juan Pablo causes the other girls to feel really insecure, which causes Sharleen to also feel insecure again and I’m having trouble keeping up with the Inception levels of insecurity going on here.  I’m going to need to start making flow charts.

Rose Ceremony:  Lucy the free spirit and Christy the girl who never said more than two words this whole season go home.

Best Moment:  Juan Pablo arrives to announce the pool party and does an amazing Chris Harrison impression.  Juan Pablo was a better Chris Harrison than Chris Harrison.  Once again, someone provides another reason why Chris Harrison should be living on the streets.  Giving out roses for a few grams of crack.

Worst Moment:  “Cameras are zooming into my face and into my soul, and my soul wants to be left alone.”  That’s what Sharleen said.  Sharleen, the woman who voluntarily came on a show where cameras film you and dozens of other women trying to fall in love with a man.  Stop whining!  Juan Pablo put up with it this week, but it’s going to get tired soon.

Power Rankings:

chelsie

6.  Chelsie (Science Educator, 24)

They had a great date, but I think I might have to agree with Elise’s
assessment that she might be a little too immature for what Juan Pablo is
looking for.  She narrowly beats out Cassandra for the #6 spot because she seems more likely to have a crazy blow-up. She also has an evil grin.

Kat

5.  Kat (Medical Sales Rep, 29)

Kat seems like a huge phony, so I think she is going to become the villain
that might not be here for the right reasons.

andi

4.  Andi (Assistant District Attorney, 29)

Didn’t get a ton of one on one time this week, but I still think she is in this for the long haul, it seems like they a lot of chemistry.

claire

3.  Clare (Hairstylist, 32)

Anyone who can melt down like she did over not getting one on one time
is worth keeping an eye on.  JP doesn’t have much tolerance for bullshit, but he had tolerance for hers, so he must like her I guess.

sharleen

2.  Sharleen (Opera singer, 29)

Like Clare, her growing insanity is a ticking time bomb waiting to blow up in an explosion of awesome television.

renee

1.  Renee (Real estate agent, 32)

Renee again came across as level-headed and sane in a house where crazy is starting to spread like wildfire. She also didn’t care that Juan Pablo saw her when she had just
gotten out of bed when most of the other contestants were running around like
screaming idiots.  Props.

BOLD PREDICTION:  I spend way too much time researching how I can get my hands on one of those water jeeps.  We will get our first “she’s not here for the right reasons” allegation and argument.  Right now I’m leaning towards someone saying it to Kat, but I think the rivalry between Elise and Chelsie is flying under the radar.

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