The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 5

Week 5 is here and we are going to Vietnam

da nang

“This is kinda like where in the world is Carmen Sandiego.” I didn’t catch who said that, but I love her.

-Renee gets the first one-on-one. They are going for a WALKING AROUND date in the town of Hoi An. It looks like an interesting place. I notice that the architecture is a unique mixture of eastern traditional and French colonial with just a touch of HAHAHA NO, I have no clue what I’m talking about. I know as much about architecture as Juan Pablo, which is to say I can barely pronounce the word.

Later in the evening Renee dons a tailor-made dress for dinner, and as drunk
Juan Pablo put it, “she does look good in those dress.”

Drunk Juan Pablo

Drunk Juan Pablo

Renee gets the rose.

Renee’s face and body language and words are BEGGING for a kiss, but will she get one?NOPE. Juan Pablo says he wants to treat her with respect because she has a son who might watch this. Dude, her son isn’t watching right now. This isn’t live TV.  You can kiss her. By the time this airs you’ll either be engaged or you won’t, it won’t confuse her kid. Drunk Juan Pablo is confounding.

-Juan Pablo and 9 ladies head on a group date, they are taking bamboo boats down a river. Clare gets to go with Juan Pablo.  I could describe this date, but you’ve all seen Apocalypse Now.

Juan Pablo leans in to kiss Clare when their boat gets stuck in some reeds, even though she clearly didn’t want to because she was afraid the boat would tip over.  WTF, you don’t kiss Renee when you’re on a solo date on solid ground, but you kiss Clare on a group date when you are on a sinking ship?

Afterwards they go to a small family restaurant where they go outside to harvest their own food.  “It’s a big community where they all work together, and I was telling some of the other girls that we should have this back in America,” says Cassandra.  Never thought ABC would air such a ringing endorsement of communism.

Afterwards, the girls start to get a little salty that Clare is getting so much one on one time with JP.  They’d be even saltier if they saw what a hot makeout session they had in the pool.  Juan Pablo, not wanting to set a bad example for Camilla, proceeds to make out in much the same fashion with Sharleen and Andi.   Clare gets the rose for making out the hardest.

-Later Clare sneaks off to Juan Pablo’s room to steal him away for some frolicking.  Drunk Juan Pablo approves.  “You know like when a baby giraffe is born and it has those wobby legs?”  No. I have never watched a giraffe be born, so I don’t know.  How many giraffe births have you seen, Clare?

They head into the ocean for some hardcore making out.  Clare says that they “went for it in every way.”  Everything about this is strongly implying that they banged. I choose to believe it. Because that fits the trend of Juan Pablo NOT setting a good example for Camilla.

-Nikki gets the final one on one, and the first one on one after Juan Pablo banged Clare.  They go hiking through some ruins up to a giant chasm.  Juan Pablo drops the bomb that they are about to plunge into it faster than JP plunged into Clare.  That’s right, it’s a RAPPELLING date.  Nikki is scared.  “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants” says Nikki.  Actually, Nikki, I think you probably poop your pants either way.  Thanks to some encouragement from Juan Pablo, she makes it down and then they make out.  Folks, going down that cave is JUST like falling in love.  Nikki gets the rose.  I like Nikki.  Drunk Juan Pablo seemed like he likes her too, but he was also having a hard time understanding her.

-COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!  Clare decides they should all toast to, among other things, “making love.”

Clare, giving the toast

Clare, giving the toast

Well there goes any doubt about them banging. Renee celebrates getting her first kiss and pumps her fist.  Kind of like Juan Pablo pumped something something Clare.

Juan Pablo has an aside with Clare and tells her that he thinks that what happened was a little unfair and inappropriate. SURELY there can be no doubt that they banged. Juan Pablo brings up that Camilla might not approve of what happened, which is a DAGGER to Clare. That was pretty low. He could lay down to her that he has to be fair to the other girls without playing the “daughter” card. Especially since his second daughter is probably growing inside Clare right now.

Clare cries and cries, Juan Pablo tries to console her by telling her to “delete it.” And “it was my mistake too.” He basically blames the whole thing on her. It causes Clare to cry her eyes out, which she attributes to “allergies.” I got similarly bad allergies during Toy Story 3 and that Super Bowl commercial with the puppy and the Budweiser horse.

Rose Ceremony:  Allie, Danielle, and Kelly go home.  Danielle only said a few words this whole season, Allie wasn’t much better.  Kelly was pretty good as the girl who provides sarcastic commentary so I’m sad to see her go.  They seemed like tough goodbyes for JP (though the fact that he is about to be a new father could be messing with his hormones).  We’re now at the point where the girls we see let go are no longer filler material.

Best Moment:  On the group date, the girls have to pair up for their boats.  Clare is the odd woman out, so she gets to go in the boat with Juan Pablo.  Kelly says “that’s the one time in life having no friends is an advantage.”  I’ll miss you Kelly.

Worst Moment:  Juan Pablo post-banging. He called it a mistake and then essentially told Clare it was her fault. She’s an evil siren who tempted him out into the sea, is basically what he said. That whole thing was not a good look for Juan Pablo. You did what you did, you can’t blame it all on Clare and give her shit for it.  Don’t get me wrong, Clare is a basket case.  A skanky basket case.  But Juan Pablo looks like a scumbag.

jp scumbag

Hey, a scumbag and a basket case.  Anthropomorphize that and you have a good Pixar movie



6.  Cassandra (Communist, 21)

Cassandra is far and away the hottest one left, in the opinion of this blog.  I don’t know if she has a personality, but whether she does or doesn’t is of no concern to drunk Juan Pablo.


5.  Andi (Assistant District Attorney, 26)

She’s getting really insecure about not getting much one on one time with Juan Pablo, but she is one of the few that he is unapologetic about making out with so I think she’s in good shape.  Drunk Juan Pablo has no time for insecurity though, so she’d better hide that shit.


4.  Sharleen (Opera Singer, 29)

Sharleen is kind of the in the same boat with Andi.  He likes her, but she isn’t being too aggressive so she isn’t getting much time.  Thus, she’s insecure.  She’s also endearingly awkward.  The endearingly awkward viewing audience can appreciate that, but I don’t think Drunk Juan Pablo can pick up the subtleties of awkward/shy/sarcastic/English conversations.


3.  Nikki (the Nurse, 26)

Nikki had a tough act to follow.  That act being Clare’s lady parts.  JP definitely likes her too, and why not?  I think she seems too smart for him.  She was talking about her job and he was just nodding and saying “Nikki the Nurse” over and over again.  There’s a disconnect there that one of them will notice eventually.


2.  Renee (Real estate agent, 32)

Renee finally get her date and her kiss.  Juan Pablo is probably more physically attracted to some of the other girls, but he’s going to keep Renee in this for the long haul because not only is she attractive but she’s a proven mom.


1.  Clare (Allergist, 32)

What can be said about Clare’s week that hasn’t already been said?  She hogged him on the group date and then porked him in the ocean.  And to cap it all off, they basically had a break-up conversation even though she’s coming back next week.  I don’t know if I like her long term chances at this point, but in the short term this is going to be majorly entertaining.

BOLD PREDICTION:   Drunk Juan Pablo ruminates on how unfair it was that he had sex with Clare this early in the game.  Drunk Juan Pablo’s solution?  Have sex with the rest of them.  That’s plenty fair.

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