The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 6

Week 6 takes us to New Zealand


It is oft-repeated that New Zealand has more sheep than people.  I don’t know if that is true or not, but I do know it has more hobbits than any other country.

-Andi finally gets a one on one. They travel by speedboat to a secret romantic cave that they have to swim to through narrow passages and cold water to arrive at a small waterfall. Kind of anti-climatic in my opinion.

Later they go to a geyser for dinner. The geyser shoots water all over them while they are trying to have a romantic time. That they were surprised about that doesn’t speak well to their planning skills. So they moved out of range and made out some more. Andi gets the rose. It’s hard to judge these dates because Drunk Juan Pablo doesn’t have conversations, so it is impossible to see if there is any connection above and beyond making out.

-6 ladies and Juan Pablo go on a group date. They are going to be rolling in giant inflatable balls down a hill. That looked pretty fun. Juan Pablo did it around 12 times it was so fun. Unfortunately he wasn’t drunk. Luckily..

..COCKTAIL PARTY TIME. Nikki goes on a whole big rant about her emotions and Juan Pablo just says “ok I like you” and pulls her face into his.

Drunk Juan Pablo

Drunk Juan Pablo

Drunk Juan Pablo is here, folks. Sharleen wants to give a similar spiel as Nikki and she gets as far as “hi” before Drunk Juan Pablo starts sucking her face too.  Drunk Juan Pablo has no time for your feelings.  She tells Drunk Juan Pablo about some of her insecurity, and asks how he is feeling. His answer? “I feel great, you feel great,” and then pulls her in for more making out. This guy has a snappy answer for everything!

Cassandra says she wants to dig deep when she talks to Juan Pablo. Drunk Juan Pablo wants to dig deep too, if you catch my drift. Cassandra tells him that she’s really happy about how genuine he is and blah blah blah. Drunk Juan Pablo makes what might be the worst decision he’s made to date because he decides to send her home. To his credit, he says that he knows she misses her son and he doesn’t want to waste time she could be spending with him, so he’s not going to make her wait to the rose ceremony. On the one hand, I can respect that. On the other hand, you definitely could have carried her on to the fantasy suite.

Sharleen gets the rose.

-Clare gets the final one on one, and she’s ready to clear the air a little bit with Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo again blames Clare for everything by saying that he felt like he couldn’t say “no” because of how happy Clare was. Somehow sober Juan Pablo is charming enough to spin that into a positive and they make out. This guy.

They talk some more, make out some more, Clare changes into sweatpants, and they make out some more and Clare gets the rose.  Was hoping for more fireworks on this one.  Fireworks of anger and regret.

-At the Cocktail party: Nikki and JP have an excruciating conversation about whether they like each other “a lot” or “a little.”  Hit me with a hammer if I ever get stuck in that kind of feedback loop.

Kat tells Juan Pablo that she has been “journaling.”  Then she says “journaling” a few more times.  She has been journaling about her deadbeat dad too, of all things.  At least this time Juan Pablo isn’t drunk when she tells him about her journaling.  In a situation where you need to break a tie, choose against the girl who says the word “journaling” more than once in a single conversation.

ROSE CEREMONY:  Sure enough, Kat goes home.  Should provide years worth of journaling fodder.

Best Moment:  When I figured out that Juan Pablo pretends to not understand words.  In this episode he asked what “cut to the chase,” “frazzled,” and “bolt” mean.  Finally realizing this is like when I realized that pro wrestling is fake.  So much suddenly makes sense. This is clearly all just a ploy that he thinks makes him more endearing.  And he’s probably right.  If only he’d ask what “journaling” meant he could have escaped that conversation with Kat.

Worst Moment:  Cassandra says to Renee: “For so long I was ok not dating, because I didn’t want to get hurt.  As time went on, I realized how much that piece was missing.  That person who would be there.  I just want love, I’ve just waited so long.”  This from Cassandra, who is 22 years old.  I know you have a kid so you have to be a little more serious about things, but you are 22! YOU ARE TWENTY-TWO! Shut the hell up about missing pieces, Shel Silverstein.  Listen to Taylor Swift and enjoy being 22.



6.  Chelsie (Science Educator, 24)

It took Kat to read from her journal to save Chelsie this week.  Anyone is still in the game when Drunk Juan Pablo awakens from his slumber and goes on the warpath, but it’s seeming more apparent by the week that Chelsie isn’t the type of girl sober Juan Pablo is looking for.


5.  Sharleen (Insecure, 29)

Sharleen is really insecure.  I think in a situation where you are competing on national TV to try and fall in love, it is probably natural to feel a little strange and insecure.  But Sharleen is taking it to an annoying level.  Also, she has to be getting annoyed that any time she tries to talk to Juan Pablo he just shuts her up by grabbing her face and kissing her.  After the rose ceremony, she seemed to say that she’s on the verge of going home.  Just rip the band-aid off and go home already.


4.  Andi (Assistant District Attorney, 26)

I think Andi and Nikki are kind of in the same boat.  He likes them both and they both seem like they might actually be smart in real life.  They both feel a little insecure, but not to the depths of Sharleen’s insanity.  Next week they’ll be on Andi’s home turf, so it could be a good chance for her to climb the rankings.


3.  Nikki (Nurse, 26)

See above.  I think Nikki might have more of a killer instinct than Andi.  She made out with JP while they were flying down the hill in a giant rubber ball, for instance.


2.  Renee (Real Estate Agent, 32)

I’m still not sure if he actually likes Renee or if he just likes that she’s a mom.  But really I’m still not sure if he actually likes any of them because he never talks to them about anything other than his tongue in their mouths.


1.  Clare (Hairstylist, 32)

Clare just gives zero fucks.  She has fallen for Juan Pablo and is not going to let any of his various insults stop her.   One of two things is going to happen with Clare in the coming weeks:  1) She is going to win, or 2) She is going to get sent home and have one of the most epic meltdowns in television history.

BOLD PREDICTION:    Drunk Juan Pablo is done laying low.  He is going to challenge one of the girls to a drag race down the streets of Miami that will result in at least two fatalities.

This entry was posted in Television. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s