This week brings us to Miami
We’re on Juan Pablo’s home turf. How will the girls deal with the pressure? My guess is with lots of tears.
–Sharleen gets the first date. The date card says “Come sea my city.” Juan Pablo didn’t realize that that was a spelling mistake. Sharleen is feeling iffy about this whole thing. She likes him, but she isn’t sure she is feeling strongly enough to want to keep going. What she’s saying isn’t wholly unreasonable. She’s only known this guy for a few weeks and has gone on like one date with him. But there is something crazy about the way she is acting really insecure and is worried about bringing him home to her insecure family. I didn’t think there was a new way to be irrational on this TV show, but she found one.
They jump on a Jay-Z caliber yacht and make-out. Sharleen says that Juan Pablo is “trouble.” She says it so many times that Taylor Swift is probably having an aneurysm. Sharleen doesn’t think they have much in common, but she loves making out with him. The classic dilemma between your head and…other parts of your body.
They make out all day and night and Sharleen says it feels right, but yet not right. This whole insecure routine is getting old.
–Nikki gets the next date. Nikki’s date is to…go to Camilla’s dance recital with Juan Pablo’s family and his baby’s mama. Well that’s a big change from a yacht making out date. Nikki put a good face on it, especially in the face of some mediocre singing and dancing on the part of Camilla and her class. There were just major conceptual issues with the script, and the choreography was all over the place. And the only thing flatter than Camilla’s notes were the drinks they provided.
Nikki does well with Camilla and JP’s family, fortunately for her they didn’t hang around long enough to find out how negative she supposedly is. Afterwards they go have dinner at Marlins stadium. Marlins stadium, a $500 million, taxpayer-financed monstrosity for a failing franchise. And that is a metaphor for falling in love, as Nikki says she is falling in love with him.
-Back at the hotel, Sharleen is still freaking out, so she decides to go home. JP is pretty upset, he definitely was going to give her a hometown date. But all in all it was a better break-up conversation than I was expecting.
-Group date with 4 ladies. They head to a private beach for a picnic and all get some private time with JP. Chelsie pulls out a scrapbook of letters from her parents. That’s not quite journaling, but it is up there. Andi starts crying during her private time, so maybe that’s worse than the letters from mom and dad. Clare opens up about her dead dad, but Andi gets the rose, and gets to have a solo date with him. They go to a Romeo Santos concert, Andi dances extremely awkwardly, and they make out.
-Back at the house, Nikki and Clare have a throw down. It was hard to figure out what it was about, I think basically those two don’t like each other so they were bound to fight eventually. It started being about Clare thinking Nikki was happy that she didn’t get a rose, then they argued over who got to stand in whose room. It was very mature stuff.
ROSE CEREMONY : Chelsie goes home. Not a surprise. Juan Pablo gives her an emotional goodbye, but it was pretty clear that she wasn’t on the same level as the other girls.
Best Moment: Sharleen says to Juan Pablo that she wishes she could “be a little dumber.” Sharleen basically explained to Juan Pablo that she wishes she was on the same intellectual level as him.
Worst Moment: The fight between Nikki and Clare. Both of them looked pretty terrible/immature/crazy. Especially when Clare employed the “you didn’t buy this room, it isn’t yours,” line that I used when arguing with my brother when I was 8 years old.
4. Andi (Worst Dancer Ever, 26)
This was a tough call because he definitely is high on Andi, but I think her insecurity and crying might catch up with her.
3. Renee (Mom, 32)
I think both Renee and Andi are a cut below the top 2 at the moment. I give Renee the slight edge over Andi because she is more stable. But I don’t think she has the killer instinct to get into a “DID YOU PAY FOR THIS ROOM?!?” argument, and that’s what it takes to win this thing.
2 (tie). Nikki (Nurse, 27)
Strong vote of confidence from Juan Pablo to let her meet Camilla. I can see what the other girls are getting at in terms of her being negative, but I think part of it is that people like Clare and Chelsie have the emotional depth of small dogs, so they have a hard time getting sarcasm. I think she and Clare are basically neck-and-neck and are ahead of Andi and Renee coming down the stretch.
2 (tie). Clare (Property expert, 32)
I’ve said it so many times it is probably losing all meaning, but Clare seems extremely crazy. JP seems really fond of that though, so play on.
1. Carla (Juan Pablo’s Ex, 32(?))
Juan Pablo, what you are looking for is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! She is a good mom, she has her own career, you know you get along well with her, she is probably not likely to get into arguments about room ownership, there are no journals or scrapbooks in sight, wtf is wrong with you? Turn this season into the ending of a romantic comedy where you realize the error of your ways and chase her down in an airport and declare your love for her before it is too late!
BOLD PREDICTION: The DVD made by Clare’s deceased father has become like Chekhov’s gun or the ricin from Breaking Bad at this point. It has been referenced enough that we know it is going to show up at a pivotal moment. I’m going on record that we will see it next week. And by “we,” I mean us the viewers and Drunk Juan Pablo.