Why did they cram two episodes into this week? Do they understand the strain a single episode of this show puts on my liver? I’ll be a hero and soldier on. This week is in St. Lucia
It’s a yacht date. Whatever happened to walking around dates? And more importantly, where is the catamaran?
Clare tells Juan Pablo she is excited to meet Camilla and potentially be a step-mom. It sounded more like a job interview response than a genuine emotional conversation.
Clare claims she is hesitant about the fantasy suite. Juan Pablo sees right through her pretending to be demure and takes her right in there. To paraphrase Don Draper, she wanted to be demure right up until the point he speaks broken English to her on a couch. Also to paraphrase Don Draper, Juan Pablo is drunk. She tells him she is falling love and it is full speed ahead.
Wild speculation about how it went in there? Clare was more than eager and Drunk Juan Pablo has been waiting for this for weeks. Assessment:
FINALLY, another walking around date. They play soccer with some local kids, and then get in a DUNE BUGGY. They don’t really let it live up to its potential though and just drive to a waterfall for a picnic instead of taking it over cliffs and plowing through injustice.
Later they talk about some concerns Andi and Juan Pablo might have had, and Andi gets the FANTASY SUITE invite. How did it go?
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: `Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear —
“My name is Drunk Juan Pablo, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away
Andi says that the fantasy suite was a disaster, she felt like Juan Pablo didn’t care about her. And that he brought up Clare’s fantasy suite during his fantasy suite with Andi! Dude, there are rules here! Everyone ignores the fact that the Bachelor bangs multiple women in the same week, the entire show hinges on everyone hiding from that reality. And Juan Pablo just blew it up. Props to Andi for having this revelation. Anti-props for it taking so long.
They go horseback riding through some amazing scenery.
Nikki was ready to go from the word “horse.” She barely wore clothes. She tells him she’s in love and gets the FANTASY SUITE.
Wild speculation about how it went? Barely clothed horseback riding. There wasn’t much to recap here. Also, my cable cut out in the middle of this one so even if there was much to recap, I couldn’t do it. There is more important stuff to deal with…
Andi is here to tell him she’s going home. Andi is basically saying everything this blog has said about Juan Pablo for a few weeks now- he’s dumb, he doesn’t actually have conversations with the girls, he banged Clare, etc.
Andi doesn’t want a clean break, she wants a fight. Juan Pablo tells her that it’s ok, and Andi isn’t ready to accept that. I was on board with Andi’s side of this at first, but what’s the point of having a drawn out break-up fight here? Tell JP that you’re out, tell him what you think he did wrong, and call it a day. If he understands, he understands. If he doesn’t? It’s not your job to sit there and explain it to him, let Nikki or Clare deal with that. Andi goes out swinging though. I’m not sure if Juan Pablo understood what she was getting at, but she got to say her piece. On the one hand, I respect it. On the other hand, it was pretty pointless when you’re talking to this guy
Rose Ceremony: Nikki and Clare win by default. They were probably going to get roses anyway, so not much of a shocker here.
Best Moment: Andi points out that Juan Pablo has not asked her anything substantive about herself, like her religion. JP responds with “what’s my religion?” Andi immediately responds with “Catholic.” Totally owned.
Best Moment 2: Juan Pablo claims not to know what the word “default” means.
BOLD PREDICTION: Clare will walk away the winner. I think Nikki will come to the same realization as Andi. She might still want to win at this point, but I think she’s intelligent enough to realize that Juan Pablo is a dumb scumbag and she’ll eventually be relieved she didn’t win. Clare doesn’t give a shit if Juan Pablo knows her religion or her values, she want to win and prove to her troll ogre sisters that she was right all along. She and Juan Pablo deserve each other.