The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Finale

It’s the finale already?  Funny how time flies when you’re jet-setting around the world.  Time to find out who the killer is if Juan Pablo will find love.

St.-Lucia

 

We’re still in St. Lucia.  It looks a lot like Jurassic Park, but I say that about most islands.

To kick things off, Clare and Nikki get to spend some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo’s family.  Juan Pablo’s cousin thinks that Clare is “begging for it.”  Juan Pablo knows, cousin, Juan Pablo knows.

Nikki seems like she is going a little deeper with the family than Clare.  Which isn’t surprising because she seems like a deeper person than Clare.  Both girls receive plenty of warnings from the family about Juan Pablo.  He’s difficult, he’s hyperactive, he might try to run away.  He sounds an awful lot like a toddler.  Like the beautiful women in horror movies, Clare and Nikki ignore all the warnings.

-It’s time for Clare’s final date with Juan Pablo.  It’s a helicopter date!  But the helicopter turned from romantic to tragic when Clare says that Juan Pablo leans over and whispered something “awful” and “sexual” to her.  Clare is taken aback and appalled.  I wonder what he said

archer-back

Clare seems more bothered that he said he doesn’t know her.  Clare has him go over to her hotel room and she reems him out for it.  Juan Pablo gives her the Andi routine and says he’s just being honest and her feelings are ok.  This guy

spiderman

Juan Pablo seems like he doesn’t take this very seriously.  I can’t blame him because this is a stupid reality show, but normally the Bachelor is the ONE person you can count on buying into this.  He has a smirk on his face this whole time and he is giggling as he talks to her. And Clare buys every word of it and they start making out and talking about their marriage and children.  That was a pretty stunning reversal.  So I guess things went well after all?

-Next is Nikki’s final date.  And it is a CATAMARAN DATE

I'M BACK BITCHES

I’M BACK BITCHES

I thought Clare had this thing locked up, but with the catamaran in play, it is anyone’s game.  Just watching as they majestically and gracefully slide through the sea, you could see how it might be able to work with Nikki and Juan Pablo.  Later in the hotel room they don’t have much to talk about.  Juan Pablo struggles to read a note that she wrote him.  The date ends, and Nikki is uncertain of whether she is going to get the proposal.  But she IS certain that she had a great time on the catamaran.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Clare is up first.  She gives her final words to Juan Pablo, and he starts off his remakrs with things like “I appreciate you being here” as if this was just a job interview, so she immediately realizes this isn’t going to end well.  Juan Pablo rejects her, and goes in for the hug, but Clare stiff arms him.  She tells him off and storms out.  He seems pretty  unbothered and then says “Whew, I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”  In the aside afterward Clare says “Don’t tell me that you love fucking me.”  So THAT’S what he said in the helicopter.  I really figured he’d pick her.  Mainly because he loved fucking her.  Pretty naive on her part to think another human being would voluntarily move to Sacramento though.

Now Nikki arrives, Juan Pablo tells her that he isn’t 100% sure he wants to propose, but he wants to keep her around.  Hm.  I guess this is the most realistic thing to ever happen on this show.  Guy dates a girl while fucking exploring other options, but finally decides he’s ready to be exclusive with her.  Does that mean they’re getting married?  No, but they’re moving forward.  Realistic. But it doesn’t exactly make for good television when the happy couple ends up NOT riding away in the catamaran.  I wonder if they’re still together?  Let’s find out..

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Clare is here and decides not to confront Juan Pablo, thus robbing us of great TV.

Nikki is next and says that they are still together. She is still in love with him, but still does not know if he loves her. “We express ourselves differently. He hasn’t said it, but his actions…” 

Drunk Juan

Juan Pablo comes back out. He still isn’t ready to say that he loves her, but he’s ready to actually start a relationship. Remember, now that the show is over, they can actually date in public and finally get a real relationship going. But still, this guy won’t give a straight answer! He just keeps saying non-committal things like “it is what it is” and “I respect your opinion” and “People keep talking about me on computers” You’re goddamn right we do.  He seems really defensive and upset that everyone is upset with him.  He also says he has no regrets about anything he did to Clare or anyone else.

Obligatory

Obligatory

On the one hand, I can respect that he and Nikki are honest that it isn’t always possible/normal to have a storybook romance in only a few months (especially when the dude is also banging other women).  But on the other hand, why are you even on this TV show if you don’t want to commit to Nikki and you hate having your love life in the public eye?

They say they are still in a relationship, but when Chris Harrison probes them they have no identifiable plans for their future.  Between Juan Pablo not committing and Nikki getting to see the path of destruction Juan Pablo left in his wake during the season, I don’t have high hopes for this couple.

Andi is announced as the next Bachelorette.  You could see them setting that up last week.  Andi seems intelligent and fairly level-headed, which probably means she’ll be a boring Bachelorette.  But she is a lawyer, and all lawyers are dangerous sociopaths.  So we’ll see how that goes.

-Thanks for reading this season as we watched Juan Pablo go from being America’s darling to America’s most hated villain of this or any era.

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