The Bachelorette: Preemptive Power Rankings

Everyone’s second-favorite reality show returns next week!  Once again, ABC was kind enough to put up some stats on the sociopaths, morons, and saps that signed up to try to find love with Andi.

andi1

 

The NFL draft was last weekend and I didn’t get my fill of passing judgment on men that
are more successful than me, so here is your preseason top 12:

Steven

Steven

Steven is a “snowboard product developer.” Which I assume means his job duties involve saying the words “powder,” “tasty,” and “brah” a lot. His greatest achievement is working at a kids’ snowboard camp and making a difference in their lives. Brah, no one’s life was changed by a snowboard camp.

Rudie

Rudie

Rudie has a name spelled wrong, a possible indicator of insanity. Also a possible
indicator of insanity is that he is proud of keeping a band together for four years. I
can get on board with someone who likes music and wants to perform. But what was going on with Rudie’s band where it was a constant struggle to keep them together for four years? Will Rudie be able to stay in the game long enough for us to get a Behind the Music on the sex, drugs, and incorrect name spellings that had his band constantly on the verge of
breaking up??

Ron

Ron

Ron is a “beverage sales manager,” which I assume means “bartender.” Ron appears on this list because Game of Thrones is his favorite TV show. Ron, do you want to hang out? I
really just need someone to talk about the last episode with. Bring some beverages and
let’s talk through what’s going on with Tyrion.

Patrick

Patrick

Patrick lists his career as “advertising executive,” but he’s most proud of playing soccer
in England and Italy. Is this another former professional soccer player? That has worked
out well on this show before!

Mike

Mike

Mike’s occupation is bartender (not even beverage sales manager), but his greatest
achievement is his engineering degree. What is the disconnect here? Did he burn out of
engineering like Rudie burned out of trying to hold his band together?

Marcus

Marcus

ANOTHER pro soccer player. Juan Pablo really opened up the floodgates. Things
must not be going that well for these soccer guys if they’re all rushing to sign up for
The Bachelorette.

Cody

Cody

Cody’s favorite book is “My Side of the Mountain.” Cody heard that it’s a kid’s book about a kid and a magic falcon or something.  Cody didn’t have time to get all the details, Cody only reads in between reps.  Maybe Cody might be able to squeeze in a chapter or two of the audio version while he’s tanning.  But Cody sometimes doesn’t even have time for a tanning booth, so Cody is only about 3/4 of the way through My Side of the Mountain.

JJ

JJ

JJ lists his career as a pantsaprenuer? BEST CASE scenario, this guy works at Kohl’s.
But I think there is probably something much darker and sadder afoot here. I’m pretty sure “pantsaprenuer” is what Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs would list as his career.
This guy definitely has a trail of shattered dreams/dead bodies behind him that puts
Rudie’s band to shame. I hope he gets to stick around.

Josh

Josh B.

Josh’s greatest achievement is a marathon.  Hey, a marathon is a big accomplishment. I’ve never done it and I never will. I need to train for a week just to drive 26 miles. But in terms of accomplishments showing up on this page? Sorry, you have to do more to stand out. You’re up against a guy who started his own band, former pro athletes, and a serial killer . A 26.2 sticker on your car isn’t going to cut it. On the other hand, Josh looks the least excited to be here of any of these guys. I respect a guy that is going to come into this
train wreck of a show with the attitude of “eh, whatever.”  At least he’ll be able to run the 26.2 miles back home in a respectable time.

Brett

Brett

Oh boy, look at this guy. Isn’t that just exactly the kind of face you’d love to
punch? It’s like they went into my subconscious, Inception style, and broke into the safe
where I keep all of my hatreds and created an amalgamation just for this show. I didn’t
read any of his profile, for all I know it says that this blog is his favorite thing on
Earth. I cannot rest until I punch him in the face.

Chris

Chris

Chris claims to be a farmer, and as proof he says he enjoys farming magazines. Your story
about being a farmer checks out, Chris, but questionable that none of your favorite movies
are about farming

Andrew

Andrew

Andrew’s favorite breakfast foods are eggs, oatmeal, and berries. His favorite foods are
macaroni & cheese, shrimp, crabs, seafood in general, chicken, turkey, and vegetables.
Hey, can we ask this guy some more questions about food please?  We covered his favorite breakfast food, but what about lunch and dinner?  Hopefully Andi covers this in their initial meeting.

So there you have it.  Tune in on May 19th or JJ will come for you.

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