The Bachelorette is the alternate universe counterpart to The Bachelor. In The Bachelor, you normally witness a man go through the season long process of trying to decide if a girl’s physical attractiveness outweighs her craziness. Or sometimes the guy becomes one of our society’s great villains
The Bachelorette is different in that the leading lady usually weeds out the crazies pretty early. Instead, she is on a quest to determine which of the guys is there for THE RIGHT REASONS. What are the right reasons, you ask? There’s no known definition. The right reasons are kind of like hard-core pornography, you know it when you see it. But what about the wrong reasons? There’s too many to list. A good primer is the list of reasons people use for signing up for the Big Brothers program
Andi is this season’s Bachelorette
Andi is a prosecutor from Atlanta. She famously left last season of the Bachelor after realizing far too late that Juan Pablo was a selfish, drunk bimbo. I miss him already.
Andi is a driven, soon to be former lawyer, I have a feeling she is going to have a very low tolerance for bullshit. So, let’s start the first night- when 25 guys show up and spout a bunch of bullshit to try to impress her!
Highlights of the Intros
-Tasos is a “wedding event coordinator.” How is that different from being a “wedding planner?” Tasos coordinated a good event for standing out though, he brought up the tradition of putting “love locks” on a bridge in Paris, and pulled his own lock out of his pocket and had Andi affix it to the mansion and throw the key in the fountain.
-Emil tells Andi that his name is just “Anal with an M.” That’s definitely a way to stand out- bring up anal within 30 seconds of meeting a woman. Emil is a helicopter pilot, he missed a big opportunity by not flying in and stealing her for a private helicopter date.
-Eric is an explorer. Chris Harrison informs us before the show that Eric died shortly after the filming of this season. He actually came up with one of the better icebreakers when he gave Andi a doll from Peru that he said was given to him “for his girlfriend.” He was single at the time, so he’s giving it to Andi.
-Nick S. arrives in a golf cart because he’s a pro golfer, and later he plays mini-golf with Andi. See, Emil/Anal, that’s how you use your career to make an impression.
Lowlights of the Intros:
-Cody arrives by mock pushing the limo up the hill. At first I thought that was a funny idea, but then he got to Andi and revealed he is incapable of speaking or reading (I assume) the English language. And not because he speaks a different language. But because he is basically Hodor.
-Jason is an urgent care physician, and he tells Andi that he can diagnose her with a fever because she “looks really hot.” I can get on board with telling an intentionally cheesy joke, but the thing is that Jason actually thought that was funny. He wasn’t trying to be ironic, he was expecting a big laugh.
-Brett brings Andi a lamp.
-Andrew is a social media marketer. He didn’t get much airtime, but in the time that he did he appeared to fall in love with Patrick. He described him as suave, well-dressed, and his type. Maybe someone will find romance on this show after all.
-Mike is a bartender, and when he shows up he asks Andi to call him “camps.” Ugh, why couldn’t this guy have been the one that died?
It seemed like not a lot happened at the cocktail party. Nobody panicked, nobody got way too drunk, nobody threatened Andi. Not much of a “party.” So I’m going straight to the rankings. The rankings are based on a complicated formula that takes into account their performance so far, their chances of winning, and their chances of providing great entertainment going forward.
6. JJ (Pantsapreneur, 30)
JJ is one step closer to his goal of making pants out of Andi’s skin.
5. Marquel (Sponsorship Salesman, 26)
At the cocktail party, Marquel had a funny idea of assembling a tray of various kinds of cookies and bringing it to Andi for her to sample. He was playing up the fact that he is a cookie connoisseur. I thought he was joking at first, but he was taking it very seriously. Funny way to stand out to Andi, or sign of disturbing cookie-related violence to come? Only time will tell.
4. Cody (Personal Trainer, 28)
Cody like Andi. Cody bring Andi flower. Cody.
3. Nick V (Software Sales Executive, 33)
Nick got the first impression rose because he opened up to Andi about his family. He has upwards of 10 siblings and he’s close with all of them. Guys who like their families are presumptively here for the right reasons. In a room of hyperaggressive meatheads and pantsapreneurs, Nick seemed like one of the few that could be a normal guy.
2. Josh M (Former Professional Baseball Player, 29)
Former professional baseball player, current douchebag. Josh has villain written all over him so you have to peg him near the top spot early on.
1. Tasos (Wedding Event Coordinator, 30)
I thought Tasos had the best icebreaker with the lock of love thing. He also impressed Andi with his “worldiness,” meaning he has traveled outside the state of Georgia.
BOLD PREDICTION: Next week things actually get underway. I’m going with 4.5 as the over/under for the number of times we hear “right reasons” or “wrong reasons” in just one episode.