The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week 5 (?)

This week brings us to Marseille


We’re back after a long hiatus. First I went on vacation, then the show went on vacation. What did we miss since we were last together? Here’s a rundown:

  • Eric died.

Ok, I think that catches us up. On with the show:

-Josh gets the first one-on-one

Andi claims it is a WALKING AROUND date but they quickly walk to a sailboat and check out the sights from the water. It’s not a catamaran, but it will do. Josh brags about his athletic prowess, Andi acts like she is unimpressed and he says “What? Just because I was drafted in the SECOND ROUND? There are only 50 rounds you know.” Real natural and non-douchey way to brag about your athletic career, buddy. Andi should have called him out on the fact that he never got above A ball (where he had a whopping .620 OPS) and that his athletic career ended almost 10 years ago and he’s apparently done nothing notable since then.  Being a professional athlete is an incredible thing, don’t get me wrong, but Andi is probably looking for a guy who has current career goals and aspirations as well.  Not Uncle Rico.

Andi realizes that she has amazing physical chemistry with Josh, but she had the same thing with Juan Pablo and it took her until the fantasy suite to realize he was a moron. She brings that up with Josh at dinner. He tells her that he isn’t a typical athlete that likes cheating on his girlfriend (is that a stereotype that exists?), and she takes him at his word and he gets the rose. Learning from past mistakes!

-Chris Harrison, just who in the fuck do you think you’re kidding with this turtleneck?

You're what the French call les incompetents

You’re what the French call les incompetents

-Back at the house, JJ tells Marquel that Andrew called Marquel and Ron “the blackies.” That is pretty terrible if true. Black guys on this show have a hard enough time without facing 1920s style racial slurs. JJ has been trying to stir up shit in the house before, I wonder if he really heard what he said or if he is just trying to start some crap between Marquel and Andrew.

Marquel gives a confessional that is way too serious and personal for a show of this caliber, where he gets emotional because he has gone through life knowing that many people see him as a black guy first rather than anything about his personality. I feel like we need a Chris Harrison special sitdown to discuss this so the viewers understand the gravity of the issues at stake. Just so long as he takes off that fucking turtleneck.

-With that tension simmering, Andi takes 9 guys on a group date.  The guys have to learn how to mime and then perform in front of a crowd.  Andi has a weird fetish for the guys embarrassing themselves publicly.  Marcus points out that they are Americans in France making a mockery of French performers.  I agree, this is really offensive and basically a hate crime.

At the cocktail party later, JJ steals Andi away and takes her to a ferris wheel.  BOSS MOVE OF THE WEEK.

Cody calls out Nick for acting a little entitled and arrogant and most of the other guys jump on the dogpile. Codor starts hulking up and accuses Nick of mocking him. Nick reads a romantic poem he wrote for Andi and they make out, but she’s wary that he might be a bully.

Marquel decides to talk to Andrew about the alleged racial slur. Andrew categorically denies it. Marquel accepts it. Andrew does seem like an asshole, but I lean toward the theory that JJ either misheard him or just blatantly made it up.

Andi declares the date a disaster, JJ gets the rose.

-Brian gets the final one-on-one

They get a private screening of a movie that ABC/Disney are trying to force down our throats called “The Hundred Foot Journey.” After the movie, that was obliquely about cooking, they go to a market to buy ingredients to cook dinner. JUST LIKE THE MOVIE OMG! Not only am I never going to see this movie, I am boycotting all movie theaters that dare to show it.

They get into the kitchen and things get really uncomfortable as Brian seems to hate cooking, and maybe even hates food. Andi wonders why Brian isn’t turned on by watching her cook.



She has a point though. It’s one thing to hate cooking. It’s another thing to brood in the corner while Andi does all the work.

They decide the food they cooked is as terrible as “The Hundred Foot Journey,” so they go out to dinner. Brian gets the rose because he finally makes some moves. So, he sucked on the part of the date that is most like real life (going shopping and cooking together) and was good on the part of the date that is unlike real life (private movie screening and dinner in Marseille).  I’m really questioning Andi’s rose choices tonight.

Rose Ceremony:  Andrew, Marquel, and Patrick get the boot.  Sad to see Marquel go, but he’ll find a woman out there who appreciates his taste in cookies.

Best Moment:  A bird crapped on Josh.  Just like he crapped all over himself trying to bat in the Florida State League.

Worst Moment:   Cody says “I got my mime on my money and my money on my mime.”  Codor.

Right/Wrong Reasons Tally:  5



6.  Brian (Foodie, 27)

Brian seems like a normal enough guy, I just don’t see a ton of chemistry there with Andi.  He got the rose, but Andi was really trying to lay on the romance and Brian was having none of it.  Just like he was having none of the frog legs.


5. JJ (Pantsapreneur, 30)

JJ stood out on the group date.  He also tried to start a race war.  I think we can expect him to continue trying to stir up drama in the house, but it will eventually catch up with him.

Nick V

4.  Nick (Former Front Runner, 31)

Nick hurt Cody’s heart, that was probably already hurting from years of steroid abuse.  He also pouted on the group date, even when an adorable French baby was trying to get him to mime.  Mime group dates are the pits, we’ve all been there.  But you have to put a good face on it or Andi is going to give you the boot.


3.  Chris (Farmer, 32)

Chris didn’t get a lot of airtime this week but I think he’s definitely in Andi’s top tier.  She repeatedly referred to him as the nicest guy there.  He’d better watch out or JJ will accuse him of being a Holocaust denier.

Josh M

2.  Josh (Draft Bust, 29)

I don’t like Josh, but Andi can’t get enough of him.  If he doesn’t shoot himself in the foot like he did with his athletic career, he is a lock to stick around for a while.


1.  Marcus (Sports Medicine Manager, 25)

Marcus is playing it cool right now.  I think he knows he’s a front runner, but he’s smart enough not to act like an entitled brat like Nick.  He will need to develop a killer instinct to hold off a contender like Josh or a hate-monger like JJ.

BOLD PREDICTION:    JJ tells Cody that he overheard Nick saying that he thinks Cody doesn’t even lift bro.  Cody rips Nick in half and then has to take up a life where he goes from town to town under assumed names, taking temporary jobs and helping out wherever he can but ultimately moving on to hitchhike to another town before anyone can learn the truth about his past.

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