The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Finale

The Finale!  WHO IS THE YELLOW KING?

Chris Harrison teases to us that the loser tonight has stalked Andi all over the world since the taping ended and that he is going to force her to meet with him later this evening. Sounds like a recipe for a Ray Rice situation.

We’re still in the Dominican Republic

dominican

 

Nick

Nick meets Andi’s family first. Everyone comments about how nervous Nick is. I don’t get why he’d be nervous, either, it’s just the only time he gets to meet her family before proposing.

The big moment comes when he has to ask Andi’s dad, pictured here

Andi's dad

for permission to propose. Nick’s nervousness causes a fair amount of word vomiting, but he gets approval from the family. It seemed pretty bland, but at least bland is better than disastrous.

Later, Andi and Nick go for a jeep ride. So Josh gets to make out with her on a yacht all day (see below) and Nick gets to drive through some mud.

Andi says that Nick makes her think about things deeply and she feels the way she’s never felt before. She tells Nick that “sometimes you have to turn your brain off.” If we didn’t already know that she’s picking Josh, there’s your proof.

Nick gives Andi a necklace that contains sand from the beach where he told her he loved her. I don’t know if sand is going to get it done, bruh.

Josh

Next is Josh’s turn. Andi’s dad immediately comments on how much Josh is sweating. Andi’s family is concerned that Josh is just another asshole douchebag like everyone who has ever grown up in, lived in, or visited Florida. Josh tells her dad that he’s ready to marry her, and he gets the blessing.

For his final date, Josh is getting a yacht date. He can’t feel too confident about his chances that he isn’t getting a catamaran. Andi says she has doubts, but she is giving him Nala eyes the entire time.

nala eyes

Later on, Josh tells Andi “I have no thoughts.” WE KNOW BRO. Josh reveals to Andi that he made her his own baseball card. It says “Andi Murray,” and it has some “stats” on the back. That is actually kind of creative, so I have to give him some props for that. But it seems like another reminder that he thinks the highlight of his life was his professional baseball career; the one that ended in failure 10 years ago. Andi doesn’t give a single fuck, though. Josh just dominated in a way he never could in his former career.

stanton

Proposals:

Josh meets with the ring guru to pick out rings. Josh says that he’s unfamiliar with rings, because the only rings he’s seen are his more successful brother’s rings. And he’s not that familiar with diamonds, unless it’s a baseball diamond, in which case all he knows about it is to fail all over it.

When it comes time for Nick to pick out rings, Andi shows up to tell him not even to bother. She says things were “too intense” with the two of them. It’s easy to see her point, especially knowing that Nick is stalking her after the taping ends. To his credit, Nick doesn’t ask for the sand back.

Later, Josh arrives to propose and he tells Andi that he gave up baseball because he wanted to find love. FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

YOU QUIT BASEBALL BECAUSE YOU SUCKED

Josh prosposes, Andi says yes, and our first catamaran-less season comes to a close.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

We see a montage of Nick looking sad, and see that Nick showed up to “The Men Tell All” taping to deliver a letter to Andi. Nick comes out and he is really emotional about being dumped by Andi.

Andi comes out and Nick doesn’t have much to say except how in shambles he is because he thought Andi loved him. The conversation doesn’t seem to be going well, so Nick decides to bring up that he and Andi banged as a reason for why he thought she loved him. Andi says “that’s below the belt,” to which Nick should have replied “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”

Instead, Chris Harrison quickly moved us onto a preview for Bachelor in Paradise. Nick seemed like a pathetic/sympathetic figure prior to his comment, but it’s definitely a low blow to try to guilt Andi for banging him. Nick said he watches this show, he knows that a romp in the fantasy suite isn’t a guarantee of anything. But it was getting pretty boring watching Nick sit there and cry, so I’m glad he spiced it up by planting some landmines for Andi to navigate around with Josh later.

Josh comes out and he and Andi are still disgustingly happy. As much as I hated on Josh this season, I think this is a Bachelorette couple that could actually work out. They already live in the same city; so that removes a roadblock that often trips up couples on this show. And Josh can totally support Andi in her professional endeavors because he doesn’t have a career of his own to worry about.  Josh is a douche, but at least he isn’t a creep like Nick.

Thanks for reading this season. Be sure to tune back in next season and be sure to watch for Josh in the stands of every Kansas City Chiefs game this fall.

chicken

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