What Would This NFL Player Be If He Wasn’t in the NFL? The Hot New Game That’s Sweeping the Apartment I Live In.

I feel badly about it, but I do my part to fulfill gender stereotypes. I am hopelessly bad at math, I stare blankly at people when they give me directions that use words like “east” or “south,” and my running form looks like the first half of this maxi pad ad, before everyone gets empowered. And of course, growing up, I could not have cared less about football.

Two things changed that. One was that I met and married a man who grew up in Cleveland, Ohio, which meant that for five months out of the year, if I talked about anything except football he would claim I was speaking into his “bad ear” and that he hadn’t noticed I was home for the last three weeks. The other is that I started playing fantasy football, which meant I had personal stakes in the game that motivated me to actually care about who these giant freaks of nature were and what they did.

But this year I didn’t care enough. Or I cared too much. Whatever happened, it was not the perfect formula for caring and I didn’t make the playoffs in either league. But, shockingly, the Browns were still in the hunt (and still technically are, but in order to make it, Johnny Manziel must stand naked in the light of the full moon and drink a potion of Bernie Kosar’s blood and Drew Carey’s melted glasses), which means that I still have to watch football in an attempt to “share interests with my spouse.”

So this past Sunday, we created a game that made football a lot more interesting for me and distracted him from the fact that the Browns were down by 20 points and were definitely not listening to his perfect coaching through the TV. And that game is: What Would This NFL Player Be If He Wasn’t in the NFL?

Andy Dalton

Male nurse

Male nurse

Kyle Orton

Works the 2 am-10 am shift at an Adult Superstore frequented by truckers and hobos.

Works the 2 am-10 am shift at an Adult Superstore frequented by truckers and hobos.

Clay Matthews

Fry cook at a super sketchy seafood restaurant. Comes out of the back if anyone complains about the food to flex his monster neck and ask if there's a problem here. Never seen without his hair net.

Fry cook at a super sketchy seafood restaurant. Comes out of the back if anyone complains about the food to flex his monster neck and ask if there’s a problem here. Never seen without his hair net.

Andrew Luck

Unemployed. Lives in parents' basement. Three quarters of the way through an Art History degree that he'll never get and doesn't know what he'd do with. Net worth: Negative $24,000. Internet worth: One million Reddit comment karma.

Unemployed. Lives in parents’ basement. Three quarters of the way through an Art History degree that he’ll never get and doesn’t know what he’d do with. Net worth: Negative $24,000. Internet worth: One million Reddit comment karma.

Rob Gronkowski

Caveman

Caveman

Calvin Johnson

Dental hygienist. So friendly and pleasant at work that people don't even mind that he's trying to jam his baseball mitt-sized hands into their mouths.

Dental hygienist. So friendly and pleasant at work that people don’t even mind that he’s trying to jam his baseball mitt-sized hands into their mouths.

Ben Roethlisberger

Inmate #48274 at U.S. Correctional Facility in Atalanta, Georgia

Inmate #48274 at U.S. Correctional Facility in Atalanta, Georgia

Russell Wilson

Runs admissions at a local art college. Has a "Hang in There" kitten poster above his desk. Wears khaki pants up to his nipples.

Runs admissions at a local art college. Has a “Hang in There” kitten poster above his desk. Wears khaki pants up to his nipples.

Jay Cutler

Founder and sole writer for Table Monkey Remote, an online music review site that considers itself Pitchfork's main competitor, but that no one at Pitchfork has ever heard of.

Founder and sole writer for Table Monkey Remote, an online music review site that considers itself Pitchfork’s main competitor, but that no one at Pitchfork has ever heard of.

Aaron Rodgers

High school geometry teacher. Keeps a page-a-day calendar on his desk of bad math puns, and uses every single one. Students still love him, though, because the worst grade he'll give is a C.

High school geometry teacher. Keeps a page-a-day calendar on his desk of bad math puns, and uses every single one. Students still love him, though, because the worst grade he’ll give is a C.

Ndamukong Suh

Part-time bouncer at a strip club near the airport. Full-time sociopath.

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