The Bachelor is back. And not a minute too soon. I was just starting to come down off of my Bachelor in Paradise high. But now it is back to work
Our bachelor this season is Chris.
Chris, not to be confused with known asshole Chris Harrison, is a good ol’ boy farmer from a small town in Iowa. Chris helps run his family farm. So while he has become adept at sucking up your tax dollars in undeserved subsidies, he’s been too busy to find love. Will he find it this season? The odds say no, but let’s tune in to find out.
Highlights of the limo intros
-Tara is a “sport finishing enthusiast.” That is definitely not a career. But she shows up wearing cowboy boots and jorts because she wants to show him she’s a country girl. Then she totally sells out and changes into a cocktail dress and heels. She’s a metaphor for modern country music
-Kaitlyn tells Chris “you can plow the fuck out of my field any day.” Farming pun, profanity, and sexual innuendo. That truly hit the trifecta of opening lines.
-Jordan [whose career is listed as “student,” gtfo with that] gives him a shot of whiskey. That is wifey material if I have ever seen it.
-Jade. I didn’t have a chance to write down her career because she was too attractive. Chris’ face when she showed up says it all
Lowlights of the intros
-Amanda has the limo driver pass Chris a “secret admirer” type note and doesn’t introduce herself to him. It is a bold strategy on a night where she needs him to remember her name when he is meeting other 29 other women. She doesn’t get a rose.
-Whitney is a fertility nurse. Her voice is several octaves higher than Alvin and the Chipmunks. Imagine going to her fertility clinic, hearing that voice, and then being told you have to jerk off. It’s no wonder the birth rate is dropping. She also tried to talk to Chris a lot about inseminating hogs. Nothing turns a man on like picturing his girl throwing pig semen around.
-Reegan has a job where she has to sell tissue and organs from cadavers. That is the worst thinly veiled job for a serial killer ever. She decides it would be romantic to show Chris a “fake” human heart she brought in a cooler. Spoiler alert: she didn’t get a rose.
-Nicole shows up wearing a pig mask. She had to spend the rest of the night trying to stop Whitney from inseminating her.
After the first 15 girls arrive, Chris decides to hit pause on the limos and go inside to meet the girls that have arrived thus far. At first that seems like a good idea, but it quickly backfires when the other limos have to show up. The first group of girls obsess over watching the new girls. The new girls realize they are behind and feel insecure and desperate about spending time with Chris. The first group feels insecure that the new girls are making a better impression. The first group, not sure what to do with idle hands, also got way too drunk. We’re only a few hours in and we already have fights over who is hogging Chris.
Britt gets the first impression rose and they make out. That doesn’t happen a lot at the initial cocktail party so I should probably be excited, but I was too busy googling Jade. And holy hell you should take some time to google Jade.
Several girls are way too drunk at the rose ceremony (especially a jorts-less Tara) but they get roses anyway, much to the consternation of some of the girls that don’t get roses.
Best Moment: Jade
Worst Moment: Kimberly, a yoga instructor who looks like she has some Jade in her, is very upset that she didn’t get a rose and decides to go back into the mansion after getting the boot. And in typical bullshit Chris Harrison fashion, they end the episode on a cliffhanger even though there were 11 minutes left. There is a special place reserved for you in hell, Chris Harrison.
Running farm puns tally: 3
Running “right reasons” tally: 4
6. Tara (Sport fishing enthusiast, 26)
There are several girls I left off of the rankings that are probably more deserving. But when a girl drinks whiskey all night and is so drunk that she can barely stand up at the rose ceremony, you have got to believe she has some more tricks up her jorts.
5. Whitney (Fertility nurse, 29)
Whitney is quite clearly insane. She cracks the top 6 based on the potential for crazy fights, lots of drama, and more than a few handjobs.
4. Kaitlyn (Dance instructor, 29)
Kaitlyn made two dirty jokes within seconds of her arrival. She also seemed to settle into the role of the person that provides sarcastic commentary. A girl after my own heart.
3. Kelsey (Guidance Counselor, 28)
Kelsey seemed like one of the 2-3 normal women that somehow get tricked into being on the show every season. She has also has a tragic backstory in that she is a widow. When someone has a story like that you know they are in this thing for the long haul. See: Maynard, Emily.
2. Britt (Waitress, 27)
Britt and Chris had an instant rapport and after a few close-calls they ended up making out, which is almost unheard of on the first night. She seemed pretty normal and she was nearly as hot as Jade. Lurking beneath the surface I think she has some strong crazy, though. She’s a waitress in Hollywood, which means she had a failed acting career behind her. She also made a point of saying that in her last long-term relationship they never had sex. For her to bring that up there has to be some emotional trauma there for this show to exploit.
1. Jade (Jade, 28)
BOLD PREDICTION: Before the season is over, Whitney will be pregnant with Chris’ baby even though they never have sex