We’re starting off this week with the conclusion to last week’s thrilling and unprecedented cliffhanger..
-Kimberly pulls Chris aside and tearfully asks for a chance to stick around and get to know him. Chris lets her rejoin the group. Bad precedent to set, man. What’s going to happen when you’re married and she knows that you are a pushover? When you say “no” at first to serious things like kids or going to Qdoba instead of Chipotle, she is going to know you’ll cave if she turns on the waterworks.
-Chris Harrison reveals to the girls that Chris is living in the mansion next door. He very un-subtly encourages the girls “find time, create time with Chris.” Translation: there is a sign-up sheet on the table where you can select the order in which you will “sneak” down to Chris’ house. Please alert a producer before you leave so we can make sure the sound guys are ready.
-Our first date of the season is a group date. Chris and 6 girls are heading to a pool party. But shortly after the girls change into their bikinis he reveals that they are going to have a tractor race in downtown LA. Chris was saying that they had to bring the country to the busy streets of the city. But have you ever been to downtown LA? There are more people in Chris’ hometown than there are in downtown bro! Ashley I wins the tractor race, but Chris declares that he is going to finish off the night on a one on one date, and he picks MacKenzie
MacKenzie is 21 but she is looking for a more mature guy because she is a single mom. And she displays her mature nature by telling Chris he has a big nose and asking if he believes in aliens. Chris seems like he’s getting ready to tell her to get lost, but she reveals she has a son and she gets a rose. I wonder what the story is with her son’s father. Based on what she said interests her earlier, he must be a big-nosed alien.
-Back at the house, Juelia reveals to the other girls that she has a daughter and that her baby’s dad killed himself right after she was born. Wow, we have more widows on this season than college diplomas.
–Megan gets a date card for a one on one but doesn’t realize it’s a date card. You really know how to pick em Chris. They take a private jet to a different airport that reveals they are going on a HELICOPTER DATE. Then the helicopter landed next to a SPACE SHUTTLE. No, they are just taking a helicopter to the Grand Canyon. Really giving her a taste of life back in Iowa. Here are things from this date that don’t exist in Iowa: private jets, helicopter dates, mountains, the Grand Canyon, champagne. Megan tells Chris that her father passed away only days before she was supposed to leave to be on the show, but her mom encouraged her to go and look for love. That may have been the most emotional “right reasons” pitch the show has ever had. Still, is “fresh grief and mourning” the best state of mind to be in on a show like this? Megan gets the rose because she played the MacKenzie card of hitting Chris with a story that makes it impossible to deny the rose.
-Finally, Chris and 11 girls are going on another group date. The date card says something about “till death do us part.” A little too soon considering all of the widows that are there.
Their group date is going zombie hunting. This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Their zombie fighting skills seemed mostly subpar and Ashley S was using more ammo than the Ferguson police department, but it still looked amazing.
Ashley S. revealed to Chris that she is incapable of communicating with another human being. It is impossible to quote her because she communicates with sentence fragments and staring. She interrupts Chris’ confessional to tell him that his leather smells amazing and that he doesn’t want to lose the whole world, or gain the whole world. If Ashley isn’t drunk or high then she is legitimately insane and I hope this episode is used to get her committed to a facility that will give her the help she needs.
Britt makes out with Chris, but so does Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn gets the rose
Best Moment: Jordan. Jordan didn’t get to go on any of the dates. But she still made the most of her time back at the house. She got so drunk that she was passed out during a date card announcement. She did a hand-stand and twerked against a wall. She said that Jillian has the hairiest ass she had ever seen. So hairy, in fact, that she needs to use a weedwacker on it. Jordan didn’t get a rose, but I doubt she’ll remember.
Worst Moment: Ashley S. gets a rose. This show is obviously heavily edited. But I don’t think Ashley’s craziness was a product of editing. There was too much raw footage of her walking around just spouting nonsense words. It was so bad that Chris sent her home early from the zombie date. That’s right, Ashley was too crazy for a date that revolved around shooting zombies. Her getting a rose has to be producers forcing Chris to keep her around. As much as I love watching train wrecks on shows like this one, I don’t like exploiting mentally ill people. Send her home and get her a social worker.
Rose Ceremony: Jordan and Alissa go home. So does Kimberly. For some reason she didn’t try to walk back in and get a third chance. We also have to say goodbye to Tara, who has to fall back on her career as a “sport fishing enthusiast.” Anyone in the Ft. Lauderdale area feel free to look Tara up on backpage.com.
Running Right/Wrong Reasons Tally: 5
Running farm puns tally: 4
6. Megan (Make up artist, 24)
Megan seemed like a clueless airhead for much of the episode. She revealed to Chris on her date that she is still dealing with the very recent death of her father, so maybe the goofy airhead routine is a way of coping with her grief. Or maybe she is just a goofy airhead. Either way, Chris seemed to like her. And anyone who gets a helicopter date out of the gate could be primed to stick around.
5. Whitney (Fertility nurse, 29)
Whitney didn’t get too much airtime this week, but she had a nice moment where she pulled Chris aside and gave him a bottle of whiskey from Iowa she bought for him. Though I’m surprised she wasn’t worried that it could affect his sperm count.
4. Ashley I. (Journalist, 26)
Ashley said early in the episode that she “is much more Kardashian than country.” It was later revealed that she is a virgin, which automatically disqualifies her from being a Kardashian. She also came up with a whole weird thing about Chris making a wish on her belly button piercing. This is a real life person who is trying to be both a Kardashian and Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. If she sticks around she is going to be entertainment gold. Chris seemed to take a shine to her, though.
3. MacKenzie (Dental Assistant, 21)
MacKenzie seemed painfully younger than Chris on their date. She is, in fact, 12 years younger than him. What really struck me, though, was her reaction to Ashley’s virginity. MacKenzie yelled “Guys LOVE taking your virginity.” And proclaimed how jealous she was that Ashley could play the virginity card. She was so forceful and adamant that Chris would be thrilled to find out about Ashley’s virginity that I think she has to have a good story about her own v-card. And she has shot up my power rankings because I am excited to hear that story. MacKenzie, if you don’t get to tell the story on the show please post it in the comments section.
2. Kaitlyn (Dance Instructor, 29)
Kaitlyn continued to provide great commentary, expertly breaking down Ashley S.’s psychosis. She and Chris seemed to have great chemistry. Even though Chris made out with 40 other women this week, he seemed like he enjoyed Kaitlyn’s make-out more than most.
1. Britt (Waitress, 27)
She’s hot and Chris likes her a lot, there isn’t much more to it than that. Chris giggles like an idiot sometimes, but he noticeably did it around Britt.
BOLD PREDICTION: So far we have two widows and a virgin who want to reveal the truth to Chris. None of the revelations will happen next week, but instead we’ll find out that there are three more widows, two more virgins, and a scientologist that are all nervous about telling Chris their story.