The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 4

Back this week after a brief hiatus.  I watched last week’s episode but I boycotted recapping because Jimmy Kimmel was a guest star.  I have no problem with Jimmy Kimmel.  I was just angry that they finally invited a sarcastic, slovenly misogynist onto the show and it wasn’t me.  With that ugliness behind us, I am ready to move on.  We are still in Los Angeles

2970_ucla_bruins-mascot-2004

Chris and 8 girls start off with a group date. Chris takes them up to a lake because that’s “his element.” Iowa apparently does have lakes, I verified that on wikipedia. Seems like space that could be better used for corn. Chris wants to see how they act “in nature.” Several of the girls decide to strip and jump in the water while Chris watches. I guess if Chris’ conception of “nature” is softcore porn movies, these girls are doing great.

Chris reveals that they are going camping. This would be a perfect set-up for a slasher movie. Filmed in found footage style. During The Purge. Hollywood, give me some points on the back end and I’ll have a screenplay for you by next week.

There are several jokes about “pitching tents,” Kelsey is pouts because the other girls are slutty and the lake is dirty.  But KAITLYN gets the rose

After everyone goes to bed, Ashley I crawls into Chris’ tent. She wants to explain to him that she’s a virgin. She tiptoes around it by saying that she’s never been in a relationship or that she’s really inexperienced. But when you wake someone up after they’ve been drinking and then sleeping, they aren’t going to be picking up on subtext. Ashley seems satisfied with the convo, but there is no chance Chris got the message. Ashley also told Chris he can “probe that area later” and he didn’t react, which is further proof he is tired and doesn’t understand what is happening.

-Back at the house, Chris Harrison arrives to give us a twist: there is only one solo date this week.  And Chris’ sisters are getting to pick which girl goes on the one on one.

On the one hand, Chris probably wants to make sure that a future prospective wife would get along with his sisters. On the other hand, sometimes women have terrible taste in women. Wait a minute, his sisters just chose JADE. I don’t have sisters, but if I did I wish they were the kind of sisters who would pick Jade.

Jade gets made up like a princess or Cinderella or some shit, and Ashley I has a meltdown because she thinks she is more of a princess.  On the date, Jade and Chris have a nice conversation, a private concert, a ballroom dance, and Jade gets the rose and is officially America’s sweetheart.  Getting to furiously make out in front of an orchestra is on my bucket list.

-Chris sends 6 girls wedding dresses along with their invite to a group date.  As is usually the case with a sadist like Chris, things aren’t what they seem.  The date will be for the women to compete in a tough mudder obstacle course while wearing wedding dresses.  Jillian finishes 10 hours ahead of everyone and wins a one on one with Chris.  Chris tries to ask her about the future, but all she wants to talk about is how much she enjoys working out. Chris feels like there is no chemistry so she does NOT get the rose.  I hope she got to take the black censorship bar with her.

-At the cocktail party,

Ashley decides she didn’t get the virgin message across in the tent so she tells him point blank that she’s a virgin. Chris is respectful and seems to genuinely appreciate that she told him. Mackenzie thinks it is weird that Chris didn’t explode out of his pants, and that causes Ashley to have a meltdown.

Becca also reveals to the other girls she is a virgin. She doesn’t say this explicitly but it seems like she is doing it for religious reasons because she has a southern accent. That is different than Ashley’s reason for being a virgin, which is because she has meltdowns about being a princess every 2 minutes so no one has time to undress her.

Britt decides to torpedo her own chances by confronting Chris about giving Kaitlyn so many roses.  Britt apparently doesn’t like Kaitlyn and thinks that Chris is only giving her roses because of her overtly sexual behavior.  She tries and fails to couch her criticism as coming from the rest of the house.  In response, Chris gets really flustered and stutters for a few minutes before walking away.  He very defensively tells the girls that he is here for the right reasons.  That might be the first time the Bachelor had to defend himself against a writ of right reasons.

Britt does end up getting a rose though, as it is only Juelia, Nikki, and crazy ass Ashley (one of the crazy ass Ashleys, I mean) going home.

Best Moment:   Ashley S. goes home.  As previously covered in this blog, Ashley definitely has some mental problems.  Or at the very least she is on serious medication that isn’t reacting well with all of the alcohol and tanning required on this show.  She again this week talked all kind of nonsense to Chris and also told him she loves him.  It’s good she’s going home to finally get the help she needs.

Worst Moment:   That Chris didn’t end the show immediately when Jade walked in.  Chris, you have Jade right in front of you.  Do you really need to go back to the house to see Ashley I walking around in her murder-suicide dress or hear Mackenzie spreading her alien conspiracy theories?

Running “right reasons” tally:  7

Running farm puns tally:   6

POWER RANKINGS

whitney

6.  Whitney (Hand stuff, 29)

Whitney was a minor player this week, but I think her game of being a country girl with an annoying voice is still in Chris’ wheelhouse.

kelsey

5.  Kelsey (Guidance counselor, 28)

Kelsey is starting to cause some friction with the other girls because she pouts a lot.  As the girls grow increasingly hysterical through exposure to Ashley I., this is going to blow up.  And she still hasn’t played the widow card.

britt

4. Britt (Waitress, 27)

Speaking of causing conflict, Britt really did a number on Chris by asking him why he likes Kaitlyn.  It’s a bold move to get a guy to go on a rant about why he likes a different girl.  She and Kaitlyn are headed for an epic duel.

kaitlyn

3. Kaitlyn (Dance Instructor, 29)

Kaitlyn had the only authentic Iowa date we’ve seen so far– the trip to Costco last week.  She is definitely one of Chris’ favorites, she’d be advancing even if she could manage to keep her clothes on.

ashley i

2.  Ashley I. (Princess, 26)

Ashley had more meltdowns this week than I could keep track of.  She melted down when she didn’t get to spend time with Chris.  She melted down when she did get to spend time with Chris and thought she wasn’t communicating well.  She melted down when Jade got the Cinderella date.  She walked around the house wearing her “princess dress” like a creepy horror movie character.  I am on the edge of my seat waiting to see what she has in store for us next.

1. Jade

BOLD PREDICTION:   Between Jimmy Kimmel being a guest and all of the drama involving widows, virgins, and alien conspiracies, we’ve had a season relatively free of Chris Harrison.  That paradise will be shattered next week as the group date will involve a competition to see who can compliment Chris Harrison the most without throwing up.

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