The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 5

First week where Chris is taking his ladies on the road. And he is taking them to New Mexico.

breaking bad

On one level, this show is extremely unrealistic because of the extravagant trips they take and dates they go on.  But on the other hand, there is a realistic aspect because traveling together can be a good litmus test of a relationship.  When you go on the road for the first time, you might find out that you have the same sense of adventure and a bond that can last through the stresses of travel.  Or you might get in a huge fight and have to get picked up by a family member after your significant other abandons you at 7-11.  Let’s find out which category Chris is in.

-Carly gets the first one on one.  They arrive at a large house and meet a woman who seems vaguely Native American that is going to teach them to meditate and be intimate.  Ashley S. would have loved this date.

It turns out this lady is a love guru.

love guru

The love guru encourages Carly to touch Chris as if it is “the first time you have touched a body.” Then she had Chris massage Carly’s inner thighs. Then she told them to disrobe each other. Then I checked to make sure I wasn’t watching Cinemax at 2 am after I got home from the bars. Carly and Chris notice that they’re feeling uncomfortable so they decide not to take each others’ pants off in front of a weird guru on the first date. Hey, to each his own.

Afterwards, they have what appears to be one of the rarest things to have on this show- an actual conversation.  They talk about past relationships and Chris somehow convinces her that there are cruise ships in Iowa she can sing on. Carly gets the rose, and in spite of a creepy guru watching them the entire time it seemed to go very well.

-Next is a group date where Chris and 9 ladies are going rafting on the Rio Grande.  Jade falls out of the boat and has to be rescued.  Fortunately they get her back in the boat quickly before our nation suffered the worst maritime disaster since Titanic.  She claims that she gets hypothermia very easily, so Chris massages her extremities.  Whatever it takes, man.

At the party later, Jordan (the girl who was eliminated due to her drunkenness) ambushes Chris.  Some security on this show if a random drunk can just snag the Bachelor in a hotel lobby.  She says she wants another shot because she was always drunk for her first stint on the show.  Chris does decide to let her stick around for the time being, which causes the girls to reenact this part of New Mexico history:

nuke

Eventually Chris decides it isn’t fair to keep her around and he sends her home.  Worst Jordan comeback since 2001, am I right??

Whitney gets the rose.

-Britt gets the second one on one. Chris wakes her up at 4:30, and they go for a sunrise hot air balloon ride. Hot air balloons are the catamarans of the skies. Their chemistry is at Walter White levels right now.

They go back to the hotel and talk about their future married life and kids, but meanwhile the other girls say that Britt has said she doesn’t want kids. Britt gets the rose, and then they do some hardcore making out, and get under the covers. DID THEY BANG? Possibly, I didn’t see a creepy guru anywhere though.

-Britt returns and tells them about the date and they all get MEGA pissed. Kelsey in particular decides to go find Chris so she can tell him the story of her being a widow and deciding to look for love again. I guess that is an ok move, but then she uses it as an opportunity to pull him into a make-out session. Moments after she tearfully told him about her husband dying.  And in her aside she seems to brag about how captivating her story is. That was more unseemly than watching the love guru at work. That was some Lifetime original movie shit. Especially because her husband’s name was “Sanderson Poe.”

Prior to the cocktail party, Chris tells the girls that he had an emotional convo with Kelsey and now he has a lot of feels himself.  Kelsey goes full villain and tells the other girls that she knows she is staying but she’s sad because she’ll have to say goodbye to the girls who are going home tonight.  The other women seem more angry that Kelsey got one on one time, when they should be concerned that Kelsey is clearly a dangerous sociopath. I want to know what REALLY happened to Sanderson?

Prior to the rose ceremony, Kelsey seemingly has a panic attack and we end on a cliffhanger.  Don’t they realize that some of us have power rankings to compute?  How can they leave us hanging like that?

Best Moment:  Megan’s geography lessons.  When Megan finds out they are traveling to New Mexico, she expresses excitement that she is leaving the United States.  After she is informed that New Mexico is, in fact, a state, she muses about how it got the name “New Mexico.”  Then she opined on the value of sombreros.  She needs her own geography/travel show, immediately.  I think it would be a great cross between Carmen Sandiego and Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet.

brian-fellows-safari-planet

Worst Moment:   When Chris wakes Britt up, it is noted that she goes to sleep with her make up on just in case.  Of all the “be prepared, just in case” scenarios I have heard in my life, this seems to be the least practical.  I don’t know much about makeup, but how does she not wake up every day looking like the Joker?

Running “right reasons” tally: 8

Running farm puns tally: 6.  Still stuck at 6, the girls aren’t carrying their weight in this department.

POWER RANKINGS

whitney

6.  Whitney (J.O. Artist, 29)

Pretty much the same as last week.  Whitney didn’t do much this week, but you just get the sense that she is safe for the time being.  I think Chris has put her in the category of people who he knows is stable enough that she won’t meltdown if he doesn’t wink at her every few minutes.

5.  Jade

Carly

4.  Carly (Cruise ship singer, 29)

Carly has provided solid commentary for a few weeks so she has already earned a soft spot in my heart.  But with her effort this week of weathering a creepy date and then getting Chris to open up emotionally, I think she established herself as a contender.  She is going to have to keep her game up to remain in the top tier, though.

3.  Ashley

There isn’t much to say here.  She is still a winning combination of crazy and spoiled.  Each week it is a pleasure to see what she’ll cook up next

kelsey

2.  Kelsey (Sanderson’s killer, 28)

It takes a special effort to supplant Ashley as the craziest person in the house.  Blatantly using the story of your husband’s death to curry favor and get a make out session, trolling the other women, and then experiencing/faking a panic attack will do the trick.

britt

1.  Britt (Waitress, 27)

Britt and Chris have had a good connection from the very start, and this week just was further confirmation that she’s here for the long haul.  We still don’t know if they banged, but even if they didn’t she has to be considered the front runner at this point.  Plus I think she still has some Kelsey-Ashley level craziness lingering not too far below the surface.

BOLD PREDICTION:  Well they backed me into a corner this week by putting off the rose ceremony.  I’ll go with a conventional pick and say that Ashley is going home next week.  Chris is probably starting to see her for the crazy weirdo that she is, so his patience will run thin now that he is forming some solid relationships with other women.  When Ashley comes back for “the women tell all” she will already be engaged and have two children.

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