The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 6

Last week they pulled some BS and left us with a cliffhanger before the rose ceremony because Kelsey had a panic attack.

panic

The show picks up where we left last week, with Kelsey on the floor. The other girls are quick to allege that this is just a cry for attention. I don’t want to be too quick to judge, I’ve fallen on the floor at cocktail parties plenty of times and the last thing I wanted was attention.  If it was a cry for attention, it works because Chris shows up to comfort her with his mouth on hers.

We finally get a rose ceremony.  Samantha, who got all of 5 words on air this season, goes home.  As does MacKenzie.  She is pretty upset, but the truth is out there.

After that, we are hitting the road again to travel to Deadwood, South Dakota.  Did ABC slash the travel budget for this show?  No offense to South Dakota but this doesn’t exactly seem up to the standards of normal Bachelor road trips.

Up yours, cocksucker

Up yours, cocksucker

-Becca gets the first one on one. She has to beat Seth Bullock in a duel. Or they are going to just ignore the history and do something else.

They are going on a horseback ride through the Black Hills.

The Black Hills are notable for being land that is considered sacred by the Sioux tribe. It was promised to remain the tribe’s forever in a treaty that was promptly ripped up when gold was discovered there. Decades later the Supreme Court wrote that the treaty violation was one of the most dishonorable actions in American history and awarded the Sioux over $100 million in damages. The Sioux refuse to accept the damages, however, because they want the return of their sacred land.

I tell that story because I hope they aren’t watching Chris and Becca stutter through this date on their sacred land.  Because talk about adding insult to injury.

They go horseback riding and then talk around a campfire. There weren’t any fireworks, but it seemed to go well and Becca gets the rose.

-Next is a group date for 6 girls.

It’s a country music themed date where they are going to write a country song and perform it with Big & Rich. Some of the girls are psyched because they’re country music fans. Jade is uncomfortable performing in front of others. Sure, Jade, sure. You have to know by now that certain of us out there have googled you.

The girls perform their songs. There were no mentions of the words “truck” or “jeans,” so techincally they were not country songs. The girls wrote surprisingly heartfelt songs, except for Kaitlyn who wrote about her “beaver.”

Later Chris is having intimate one on one time with several of the girls, but it goes to another level when he runs off with Britt and takes her to the Big and Rich concert, where they dance and he gives Britt the rose on stage.

That’s good for Britt, but meanwhile the other girls on the group date just had to hang out in a bar for an hour talking to each other and rationalizing their situation.  Chris brings Britt back unapologetically.  This dude does not give ANY fucks.

fucks

South Dakota hasn’t seen a massacre like that since Wounded Knee.

-Finally, we get THUNDERDOME.

thunderdome

Kelsey vs. Ashley.  Battle in the Badlands.  On paper, this is an epic mismatch. Kelsey is master manipulator. Ashley can’t go 30 seconds without breaking down into tears.  But anything goes in the Thunderdome.

They take a HELICOPTER past Mt. Rushmore and into the Badlands.

Ashley gets some one on one time and immediately tells Chris that everyone in the house hates Kelsey. Bold move. On the one hand, you gotta throw some daggers in the Thunderdome. On the other hand, petty gossip is never a good look.

Chris tells Kelsey that Ashley calls her fake, and then unleashes her to go confront Ashley.  This guy and the fucks he does not give.

fucks 2

Kelsey stares down Ashley and finally the fight begins.   I tried to transcribe exactly what Ashley said:

You think I’m not as smart as you because I don’t use big words? Sorry I’m not from Pleasantville, I’m from frikkin 2014. You and I both have master’s, and I have it from a good place.  And if you don’t think I’m intelligent enough to see through you, you’re frikkin hilarious.

There has never been a greater argument for reforming higher education in America than the fact that Ashley has a master’s.  Kelsey throws some shade Ashley’s way, and Ashley pulls her trademark move of running away crying.  Ashley decides to confront Chris for dropping her name.  Yeah, he shouldn’t have done that, but not a winning strategy to go yell at him.  Chris says he thinks he can’t provide her the lifestyle she wants and sends her home.  But then he goes back and sends Kelsey home too!

rock

He makes the really bad decision to get in the helicopter alone, who knows if Kelsey tampered with it.

Speaking of tampering, we end without a rose ceremony so once again they are tampering with the credibility of power rankings everywhere.  There are rules, Chris Harrison.  THERE ARE RULES.

Best Moment:  During the 2 on 1 date, the other ladies back at the hotel are anxiously awaiting the results.  They’re upset when they see that Ashley got the boot, but when the producer has to come in again to take Kelsey’s suitcase they cheer, they hug each other, Kaitlyn yells “LET’S GET DRUNK,” and Carly pops bottles.  And they celebrate hard

demfranchize

yes

Worst Moment:  After he kicked out both Ashley and Kelsey, Chris got in the chopper and left.  Alone.  Dude, I know you didn’t want to marry them, but kind of cold-hearted to leave them alone together in one of the most remote regions of the US.

POWER RANKINGS

Carly

6.  Carly (Cruise ship singer, 29)

Carly is growing on me.  She is funny and seems a little less crazy than the others.  Also, her brother is Zak from Desiree’s season

IMG_20130715_201529_927

Pictured here: Zak

Tell me it wouldn’t be great to be in that family!  Unfortunately Carly is well behind the top contenders right now and I don’t think she has the killer instinct to catch up.

whitney

5.  Whitney (P in V, 29)

Like Carly, Whitney seems a little more grounded and level-headed than some of the others.  But that means she is well out of the running at this point.

kaitlyn

4.  Kaitlyn (Dance Instructor, 29)

Kaitlyn remains the best comic relief on the show every week.  But it’s hard to imagine Chris wanting to bring a girl who makes so many dick jokes back to his Iowa mom.

becca

3.  Becca (Chiropractic Assistant, 25)

Becca made a strong move this week by impressing Chris with her country street cred.  She doesn’t offer much in the personality department, but if Chris is trying to picture which women he can take home to small town Iowa then you have to think that Becca made a big move this week.

2.  Jade (Jade, 28)

Jade impressed Chris this week with her effort in the group date.  And she continued to impress in other ways as well.

britt

1.  Britt (Waitress, 27)

Britt is running pretty far ahead of the pack right now.  On the group date he couldn’t stop making out with her and then he just pulled her away and left the other girls alone for an hour!  She seems increasingly phony by the week, like during the Big and Rich concert she suddenly yelled “I love this music!” after saying that she wasn’t really into country music earlier.  Big and Rich has never provoked that strong of a positive reaction in anyone.  But the other girls have work to do to catch up.

BOLD PREDICTION:   We have a two-parter next week, so they will probably continue to jerk us around Whitney-style with the timing of the rose ceremonies.

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