The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 7 (Parts 1 and 2)

We ended last week just before the rose ceremony and get a two-night episode this week.  Two-parters are tough on the recappers.  I had to spend the entire day in between part 1 and part 2 on the edge of my seat.  And let me tell you, that is hard on the hindquarters.  After reading, please consider donating to my Kickstarter to purchase me a special ergonomic chair I can use for watching reality TV.  Onto the show:

Deadwood_Season3

Still in Deadwood.  Prior to the rose ceremony he sends Megan home. Chris Harrison tells them there will still be a rose ceremony, but Farmer Chris caves to the pressure and calls it off.

He tells the girls that this week they are headed to Iowa.

JADE gets the first one on one, and they are heading out of the metropolis of Des Moines for Chris’ hometown of Arlington.  If you forget from Andi’s season what Arlington looks like, here you go:

arlington

Jade gets a tour of Chris’ gigantic farm house and meets some of his cows.  They stroll through “downtown” Arlington, which is mostly empty storefronts.  Jade seems to think it is a little depressing.  But she should see it as an opportunity.  She could probably buy one of those empty stores and start her cosmetics/modeling business for under $100.  There are no bars in Arlington, but a quick Google search there are a few bars and restaurants only 30 minutes away.  So only an hour round trip if you want to drink away your depression.

Chris takes Jade to his high school where they watch a football game, visit his old classrooms, and make out against the lockers.  He had some fantasies he really wanted to live out on this date.

-Whitney gets the next one on one. It’s a walking around date! They’re going to walk around Des Moines taking cute pictures of each other. When Whitney is with Chris she goes into her high-pitched baby voice and it makes me more angry and depressed than an Arlington resident. Chris’ friends show up and ask Whitney if she’s in love with Chris yet. That’s a pretty heavy thing to ask anybody, let alone your friend’s girlfriend that you literally just met. Normally it isn’t a good situation when your date gets crashed by someone’s friends, but Chris seems impressed with how she handles it.  Whitney also opens up about her family history.  She was raised by a single mom and her father isn’t in the picture at all, and 10 years ago her mother passed away suddenly.  A conversation like that could get weird, like when Kelsey tried to talk about Sanderson, but Whitney tells Chris how everything she went through has made her a stronger person and helped her figure out what she wants out of life.  Whitney couldn’t have done any better on that date. That was a home run, a slam dunk, a hole in one, and a bowling strike combined.

-During Whitney’s date, the other girls decide to go on a road trip to Arlington so they can get a glimpse of what it’s like. They want to make sure they can put on a good poker face about how terrible it is when Chris brings them back. They seem pretty underwhelmed and concerned that you have to drive great distances for movies, restaurants, shopping, literacy, etc. They don’t seem alarmed that the pastor of Chris’ church is wearing a Call of Duty t-shirt.

-Finally we get a group date with Carly, Britt, and Kaitlyn.

They go ice-skating, and Chris is worse at it than any of them. Britt tells Chris that she could see herself living in Arlington, but that pisses off Carly because she also Britt say that she thought Arlington was worse than hell. Carly snitches on Britt, so Chris decides to confront her. He does a better job than he did in the Thunderdome and doesn’t immediately out Carly as the rat.

Kaitlyn talks to Chris about how she is worried that their relationship might not be progressing as much as some of the other ladies. Chris tells her that she has been “killing it,” and gives Kaitlyn the rose. This is a shocking upset, and Britt has a major meltdown. She pouts and angrily sighs when Chris comes back, and then tells him that she is looking for validation and she “wants my husband to want me back.” She rambles for 30 minutes and then gets angry when Chris gives a non-response to her rant. It seemed like she was basically saying to Chris that if she isn’t his top choice, he should send her home. That doesn’t make a lot of sense because she knows she’s on a TV show where Chris is contractually obligated to ride this thing out to the end. Chris feels awkward, and the other girls are getting ready to pop open the champagne again.  I took this picture of Britt at the end of the date:

hindenburg

Britt really self-immolated there.  If she kept her mouth shut, she probably gets a rose and lives to fight another day.

Night 2

We’re starting today off still in Des Moines.

DesMoines

-Becca gets a one on one, and Chris takes her to his loft.  Wait, he has a loft in Des Moines?  It has been heavily established that he lives in Arlington and we even saw his house there.  But now we see that he has a trendy loft in Des Moines too?  Did Chris just accidentally reveal that he has a bachelor pad in another city? Or does this mean that all that crap about having to spend weekends in Arlington watching bad high school football was a lie?  Des Moines is like Las Vegas compared to Arlington in terms of night life.  That wouldn’t be so bad.  They talk about love and relationships and then the date ends. That was short and boring. Cool loft, though.

-Back at the house, Britt says she wants to go home.  She is doing the classic and transparent move of wanting to leave rather than going through the embarrassment of not getting a rose. She pulls Chris aside prior to the rose ceremony and tries to apologize, but Chris gives her the boot and seems relieved.  Hit the showers, Britt.

The other girls don’t have long to celebrate, as we still have a Rose Ceremony.  Roses go to Kaitlyn, Whitney, Becca, and Jade.  Carly’s reward for snitching on Britt?  She gone.

So now it is on to hometown dates.  Jesus, this is going to be a long recap.  How many digital trees do you think this baby is going to fell?

First up is Shreveport for the Liberty Bowl/Becca

shreveport

Becca tells Chris that he’s the first guy she has brought home because she’s never really been in a serious relationship before. Her sister tries to tell Chris using very euphemism possible that she’s a virgin. She says she’s not an intimate person, she doesn’t feel the urge to be close to a man, she’s never met Bill Cosby, etc.

Becca’s sister asks Becca what her plans are if she gets a fantasy suite invite. Becca tells her that she is planning to tell Chris that she’s a virgin in the fantasy suite. Becca’s sister says that “the sugared donut will be the highlight of the evening.” Is that what they call a vagina in Louisiana?

Chris steals Becca away from her own family and takes her to the state fair. Boss move for both of them. For Chris to do that, and for Becca to live near a state fair.

Next is Chicago for Whitney’s hometown date

chicago

Whitney says “let’s go make a baby.”  Chris says

inmypants

They show Chris a sperm fertilizing an egg. That was actually kind of sweet to hear Whitney describe that process and see how passionate she is about her work. Then she gives Chris a plastic cup and a magazine and tells him they want to test his sperm. A magazine? What is this, the stone age? If you want a sample from him you should give him a computer and type Jade’s name into Google.

Whitney takes Chris to meet her family. Chris asks her sister for her blessing as a parental figure. Whitney’s sister wins this season’s “These two people are related?!?” award. She also says she can’t approve of their relationship until Chris isn’t dating several other women. That sounds fair to me, but in the world of this show Whitney’s sister just became a bigger villain than Kelsey and Britt combined.

Whitney shares with Chris a bottle of wine that was really expensive so she was saving it for her future husband. How much could it have cost?  $20 bottle of wine aside, I think that went well.

-Next is Phoenix for Kaitlyn’s family

phoenix

Phoenix for Kaitlyn?  She is actually from Canada, but her family spends their winters in Arizona.  Her parents are geese?

Kaitlyn takes Chris to a studio to record a rap song about their relationship. Chris does as well as you’d expect for a white guy from Iowa. Sadly he is officially the third best white rapper of all time.

The visit with the family goes well, and Kaitlyn shows Chris a billboard that says “Kaitlyn hearts Chris.”  Billboards.  Old media is still the way to a man’s heart.

Finally we go to Gering, Nebraska to meet Jade’s family.

gering

Jade’s brothers and dad seem to imply to Chris that they’re surprised she is ready to settle down.  Jade takes Chris aside and breaks the news to him that she posed nude for Playboy.  Jade brings up the photos on her laptop for Chris to look at and Whitney suddenly has a sperm sample she can test.  Chris says he doesn’t care about what she did in her past, but then also says that people in rural Iowa might not like it.

Rose Ceremony:   Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney get roses.  Jade goes home.

depression1

depressed2

depressed3

Running “Right Reasons” Tally: 11

Best Moment:   I really got a kick out of the revelation that you can never confide in Chris.  Ashley tells him about Kelsey, Carly tells him about Britt, Whitney’s sister expresses doubt.  Chris promptly sold all of those people out.  I was just envisioning a spin-off where people tell Chris their secrets and he tells other people minutes later.  Would it be good TV? I don’t know.  But someone greenlighted “The Slap,” so they should probably give my idea a shot too.

Worst Moment:  Chris had his choice this week of two smalltown girls that seem a little bland in the personality department: Becca and Jade.  He sent Jade home.  I could be a sucker, but I think I believe Chris that the nude photos had nothing to do with it. The other girls were really stepping it up in terms of forming close personal relationships with him and we just didn’t see that from Jade. We saw literally everything else from Jade, but not that.  But still, HE SENT JADE HOME!  We’ll miss you, Jade.

POWER RANKINGS:

becca

3. Becca (Chiropractic Assistant, 25)

We’re only privy to what the editors show us on TV, so maybe there is a great relationship developing off-camera.  But just based on what we see on air, I don’t get it with Becca.  It has nothing to do with her being a virgin, it’s just I have yet to see any proof that she has a personality.  Ultimately though, Chris is looking for a girl who will fit in back in Iowa and won’t care if he spends weekends at his sweet loft.  Becca seems to fit that bill, so she’s still a contender.

kaitlyn

2.  Kaitlyn (Dance Instructor, 29)

Chris showed that he thinks pretty highly of Kaitlyn when he gave her the group date rose (sending Britt into pure insanity in the process) when she told him she wasn’t feeling great about her position.  She has shown pretty consistently throughout the show that she has a great sense of humor and has excelled on both the extravagant dates and the mundane ones.  It’s tough to see her as an Iowan though.  But on the other hand, maybe she can live with it if Chris lets her fly south with her family every winter.

whitney

1. Whitney (Life creator, 29)

Whitney is pretty damn close to having this thing locked up.  She has knocked it out of the park on every date she’s had with him and she has country girl street cred. She has a good job in Chicago, so that could be a hang-up in terms of her not wanting to move to Iowa.  But, hey, people in Iowa need help getting knocked up too, right?  Or if not people, what about farm animals?  Some of those cows on Chris’ farm looked like they were there for the right reasons and might need some help making a calf or two.

BOLD PREDICTION:   Since we had two eps this week, I’ll make two predictions.  1) Much will be made of Becca going in the fantasy suite as a virgin, but I guarantee that Chris is going to go above and beyond in trying to pretend that the fantasy suite is just about talking and not about “sugared donuts,” so this will be one of those things that gets over-hyped and ends up being nothing.  2)  Britt is going to pull out a knife and murder Carly at “The Women Tell All.”

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