FANTASY SUITE week. For some reason we’re still doing this post-Jade. This week takes us to Bali.
They finally left the mountain time zone. Going from Iowa to Bali is almost as big of a culture shift as going from Arlington to Des Moines.
Kaitlyn gets the first one on one. They are visiting a temple. Kaitlyn looks like the type of person who would have meaningless tattoos meant to resemble Eastern religions, so she’d better cover them up or she’ll offend somebody. Then they go WALKING AROUND. They head to a park that is full of monkeys. Chris grabs some bananas and the monkeys attack. We get the oddest “this date is a lot like love” analogy I may have ever heard when Kaitlyn says she wishes she was more like the monkeys because they are fearless and eat a lot of fruit.
At dinner later, Kaitlyn and Chris talk about the fact that she’s had her guard up. Has she? She’s been making dick jokes all season. Maybe it’s just me, but there’s no better way to put yourself out there than dick jokes. Chris gives her the FANTASY SUITE invite and she tells him she’s falling in love
Immature speculation on how it went: Kaitlyn took pointers from those monkeys about how to attack Chris.
Whitney gets the next date. They’re having a picnic on a boat. It isn’t a catamaran, so this date is off to a rocky start. Whitney and Chris talk about their relationship and take the literal and figurative plunge by jumping off the boat together.
Later, Whitney tells Chris that she is proud of her career and has concerns about moving to a small town, but ultimately she is fully willing to leave her job for true love and to “just become a wife and a mom.” Chris gives her the FANTASY SUITE invite. A fertility nurse in the fantasy suite. I wonder if we’ll get our first fantasy suite baby?
Immature speculation on how it went:
Becca gets the final date.
They are WALKING AROUND some rural area. They’re in towns that are bigger than Arlington acting like it is some remote area. They visit a temple where the local wizard tells them that they make a good couple and that they should make love. Chris giggles his head off and Becca is feeling nervous.
At dinner, Becca tells Chris that she is falling in love with him, which is the first time she’s ever been in love.
Then Chris pulls out Becca’s V-card
Actually it is the FANTASY SUITE invite. She didn’t tell him at dinner, but surely she will tell him now. Nope, she is accepting the invite and they are walking into the fantasy suite. Ok, she’s gotta tell him now, right? Nope, they are pouring champagne. Makes sense, need a little liquid courage, but now she’ll tell him. Oh god they are going into the bedroom and sitting on the bed. Then she finally lets him know that she’s a virgin and she is not having sex until marriage. I’ll give her props, she tells him confidently instead of like a stuttering weirdo like Ashley. Chris gives a very gentlemanly answer and she is relieved.
Immature speculation on how it went:
I said it last week and I’ll say it again- the issue with Becca isn’t that she is a virgin. It’s that she has no personality. We’ve seen Kaitlyn’s sense of humor, we’ve heard Whitney talk about her rough upbringing and her passion for her job. But Becca? Nothing. Maybe that’s the editing crew being unfair to her and just emphasizing the virgin thing at the expense of everything else. But I can only judge based on what I see. And what I see bores the shit out of me.
After a commercial break we come back to Becca walking down the beach with dramatic music playing. The show then cuts to Chris talking, but on my TV there were no words. His lips were moving but all I heard was the dramatic music. I paused and rewound several times to make sure I wasn’t just drunk, I turned up the volume as loud as it would go, but nothing. So I have literally no idea what he said.
I’m going to have to be a body language expert. Chris is crying and his feet are in a pool. I’m guessing this means he feels bad about something and is unsure. Still no sound, but now Chris and Chris Harrison are talking dressed like they are going to karate class
Still no sound, but I’m guessing he’s here to help Chris sort through his feelings. This must be really raunchy if ABC cut out all the sound like this. I tried closed captioning and that didn’t work. This is what I got from lip reading:
Chris: Hey, Chris, I gotta tell you I’m just not sure about this, you know? *giggles*
Chris Harrison: Chris, I don’t know anything about anything. I’m just here because they thought it would look less crazy if you were talking to a human instead of just the ocean.
Chris: Oh, ok, well I gotta tell you I have a lot of feelings and feelings are hard, you know?
Chris Harrison: Nope. Like I said, I don’t know anything.
Chris: Aw jeez, well I guess I need to make a decision.
Chris Harrison: If you say so, I really don’t know anything.
Chris: Hey, why are we dressed like this?
Chris Harrison: To reiterate, I do not know anything.
My sound returns just as it is starting, though this is really the part where I LEAST need sound because I can just watch him hand roses to people.
Chris takes Becca aside, Becca tells Chris that she’s falling for him and she wants their relationship to progress. It seems like Chris is on the verge of sending her home, but instead he brings her back to the rose ceremony. Whitney and Becca get roses, Kaitlyn goes home.
You could see that coming the second he brought Becca back to the rose ceremony. Ultimately it makes sense. They seemed to have a good connection but she didn’t do as much selling as Becca and Whitney on the “I’m willing to move to Arlington and just be a wife, Gone Girl style” angle. I guess she is going to have to plow the fuck out of someone else’s field.
Running “right reasons” tally: 11
Best Moment: Monkeys
Worst Moment: Gotta go with having no sound for a significant chunk of time. At first when I saw Chris’ lips moving and just heard the ominous music, I thought the show was getting really artsy all of a sudden. Then I thought something was wrong with my TV and started running around shouting at it and pressing every button on the remote. Then I searched on twitter and saw a lot of people had the same problem. I noticed in this episode it seemed like a lot of the conversation was dubbed in, like they were having sound problems or they needed to re-record Chris’ dialogue for some reason. I know nothing about television (literally nothing, I am amazed every day at these magic talking ghosts on my screen) but maybe that had something to do with the voices dropping out for some of the viewing audience. Whatever the case may be, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ABC.
This seemed like a short week, maybe it was because my sound was out for 1/3 of the episode. No power rankings this week, I will give my final rankings and predictions after the women tell us all next week.
BOLD PREDICTION: Sometimes the “tell all” show is boring and is little more than a glorified clip show. But this year has the potential to be epic. Kelsey vs. Ashley, Carly vs. Britt, Jordan vs. sobriety, Ashley S. vs. sanity, my TV vs. sound. My bold prediction is that Britt will openly campaign to be the next Bachelorette and she will be literally shouted down by every other contestant and audience member there.