Time to be told all! I normally don’t bother recapping this. It’s a glorified clip show and you hear from people you don’t care about in the least. But tonight has the potential to be the best two hours of television since I watched The Neverending Story while coming out of a post-surgery painkiller delirium.
Every year I invite Chris Harrison to my viewing party and every year he ignores me. It could be because he is an elitist jerk, or it could be because my “invitation” is just a picture of me holding a hammer with my address scrawled in lipstick across it. But that’s neither here nor there, on to the show:
-First up we get a Carly vs. Britt throw down. Britt asks Carly, “why did you pretend to be my friend?” Carly responds “It’s me Britt, it was me all along”
Britt doesn’t understand why people think she’s phony, and Jillian goes into a roid rage about how Carly throws people under the bus too much. Britt cried a lot, but she really comes across as phony, there is no other way to put it.
Britt denies that she ever said she doesn’t want kids, because she has built orphanages and coached soccer teams. She denies making the remark about Arlington. The other girls continue calling bullshit on her.
The line of the night is “I don’t think you’re a bad person, but..” Everyone is saying that to each other. It seems like a really easy way to call someone a bad person.
-Kelsey is next in the hot seat, I wonder how this is going to go…
Kelsey says she just wanted to be accepted and liked by both Chris and the other girls. The other girls are looking at her like they each want to John Wilkes Booth her.
The other girls take turns yelling at her for various things. Chris Harrison asks if there is anything Kelsey would like to ask the other girls, and Kelsey says “their forgiveness” and I’ve never seen so many eyes roll simultaneously.
Kelsey says to Ashley that she is offended that Ashley implied that Sanderson Poe is not a real person. Ashley and many of the girls point out that most people think Sanderson Poe is the fakest name since….no, I’m sorry, it is the fakest sounding name ever and I can’t get past that.
-Chris Harrison asks Ashley S to appear on Bachelor in Paradise and I think he is the smartest man in history. ABC, do whatever it takes to get her on that show. Whatever it takes. Up to and including kidnapping.
-There are interviews with Kaitlyn and Jade where they talk about how sad they are, but the real action comes when Chris has to come out and face the ladies.
Kaitlyn excoriates Chris for making her stand through the rose ceremony and never giving her a good explanation. Chris seems pretty genuine and says that he wishes he could go back and do things more respectfully, but he was unsure of his decision until the moment of the rose ceremony. He actually sounds pretty genuine. His voice is wavering, he’s stuttering a little bit, and not a giggle to be heard.
Jade is next, and she says that she was devastated that Chris said in his blog that he was “disturbed” that Jade’s family described her differently than he had gotten to know her. Jade, if you’re looking for someone who has nothing but positive things to say about you on his blog, I know a guy.
All in all, a pretty good show, but I needed more Kelsey vs. Ashley. And much more about this:
What if this book comes out and it is just the smuttiest, nastiest tale that includes graphic descriptions of sex and violent murder? I think I’d have some respect for the guy.
FINAL PREDICTION: It has to be Whitney. She has seemed like the frontrunner for weeks now. She’s intelligent, worldly, has perspective, and is willing to give up everything and move to Arlington, Iowa. Kaitlyn will be the next Bachelorette and it will be the first season to be rated TV-MA.