The finale! This week brings us back to Iowa
Wait, we’re back in Iowa? So they finally escaped the clutches of North America and got to go to an exotic locale for a week, and Chris brings them right back to corn country? Chris Harrison’s book better sell well, I think this show is in money trouble.
-Whitney is first to make the arduous journey to Dubuque to meet Chris’ family. If you travel to Dubuque, make sure you stop in the North End to see the plaque commemorating the spot where early European explorers traveling the Mississippi stopped and one of them was heard to remark “There’s nothing interesting here and there never will be, let’s keep going, bro.”
Whitney meets Chris’ sisters and wows them. Then they ask Chris point blank wtf he has any doubts about. He tries describing Becca and literally just stutters for 20 seconds. “He can’t articulate what he loves about Becca, and that’s a red flag” says one of Chris’ sisters. True, but it isn’t like Chris is the best at articulating. He’s actually pretty bad at it.
Whitney wows the mom too. Chris gets together with his bros in the garage for a little bro time. He again struggles to explain why he likes Becca. “She’s just, like she’s not like Whitney, but she’s just, like, you know, she’s just, different, like you know?” Who are you trying to convince, Chris? Me, or YOU? Whitney tonight:
Becca arrives and the family couldn’t be less excited. Chris had a major opportunity to spice things up by telling the entire family (including the little kids) about her virginity and the fantasy suite, but I guess he has a very different family than mine because he passes on that opportunity.
Becca tells his sisters that she is falling in love, but she isn’t going to pick up and move to Arlington immediately until she’s 100% sure. Reasonable, but after hearing Whitney swear on her dead mother that she’s ready to move to Arlington it leaves the sisters less than impressed.
Becca talks with Chris’ mom and Chris’ mom is pretty great. She coaches Becca up about how she needs to think about her feelings and do what she thinks is best. She seems like a pretty great mom, but probably not a good sign that she needs to encourage Becca to be in love.
The girls each get a final date and for once I really hope they aren’t doing a walking around date because they are in fucking Dubuque.
Becca is first and they hang out in her hotel room. Becca explains that she is falling for him, but she just isn’t at the “move in and get married” part yet. She says she can’t make any promises about when it will happen. She seems like she has a checklist of things she needs to check off before she’ll say she’s in love. That isn’t how love works. There’s no checklist, there’s no goal line to cross, you just are in love. At least that’s how I felt with Jade.
The conversation sounds a lot like a break-up conversation, with Becca saying that her feelings aren’t there and she isn’t sure if they have a future. Chris basically BEGS her to give him something, and she doesn’t. Maybe it’s just me, but that did not go well.
Whitney gets her final date and it’s at Chris’ farm. It’s winter but they are going to harvest some corn. You can farm in the winter? Thanks to global warming it seems like corn harvesting can take place year round! The simple fact that Whitney gets an actual date and Becca just got an awkward hotel convo speaks volumes. Chris takes Whitney to his house and all but tells her to start thinking about where her stuff can go. Whitney sounds like she is reading from the checklist that Becca is unsure about as she tells Chris how positive she is about every aspect of love.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY:
Becca is first out of the limo. Chris tells her he didn’t have any doubts about their relationship, but that he knows she does, so he doesn’t think it’s right to continue. Becca goes home and seems very unphased. No tears, she just calmly says she hopes she didn’t make a mistake by having her guard up. I showed more emotion when Chris Harrison revealed his book cover last week than she did in the back of that limo. Either she figured out weeks ago that she wasn’t winning and was able to emotionally prepare herself, or (more likely) she didn’t give a shit.
Next is Whitney. Whitney is nervous and it is freezing cold so she is having a more difficult time getting her words out than Chris explaining why he likes Becca. She finally spits it out, Chris proposes, and she says yes. THE END?
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE:
Chris Harrison tries to pry about how Chris felt about Becca, but Chris basically says he is only looking forward.
Chris and Whitney say that Whitney is only watching the parts of the show that she was on, so she didn’t see Chris making out with other girls or begging Becca to fall in love with him. I guess denial is one strategy.
Becca comes out to talk to Chris. Becca just reiterates her feelings that she had strong feelings for Chris but never got to the point that she was “in love” and was ready for a proposal. She didn’t want to say she was in love just because she was still on the show. That’s actually pretty refreshing to hear, but Becca wonders what we all wondered: which is why in the hell did she come on this show? Chris says some nice things about how it’ll work out for her someday. That was as boring as you’d expect for something with Becca.
-Whitney comes out and they are still in love. Nothing much else to report on that front. Whitney says she is going to move to Arlington “in the future,” but not right now, so there is a potential landmine. Mostly they seem disgustingly happy.
So what’s the final verdict on Chris and Whitney? On paper they seem pretty compatible. They also both seem very eager to be married with kids as soon as possible. I think the move to Arlington will be rough on them, though. Normally after this show the relationship falls apart when the couple has to actually start spending time together. And now Christney (patent pending) have to start spending time together in a place where there is nothing else to do but spend time together. Plus if Whitney really didn’t watch this season then she has no clue that Chris has a sweet loft in Des Moines. A revelation like that is sure to rock the relationship to its core. But what the hell do I know, I thought Andi and Josh would last and still think that Ashley I. would be the best Bachelorette. Speaking of which…
Chris Harrison reveals the next Bachelorette:
TWO Bachelorettes- Kaitlyn and Britt – will be featured next season. That’s right, the first ever THREESOME season. The entire state of Utah just signed up. There aren’t a lot of details about how this will work other than that the contestants will be choosing which girl they want. Kaitlyn and Britt must have just learned of this recently because they seem VERY uncomfortable.
Kaitlyn seemed like the obvious choice, but some network execs must really be torn on her to force Britt into the mix as well. Cheap gimmicks work for other shows all the time, so let’s give this a chance
As always, thanks for reading this season. If I couldn’t write down my thoughts on this show I’d revert back to yelling them at my neighbors. And I think Mrs. Stanley has just about had it with the words “right reasons.” Enjoy your offseason.