The Bachelorette: Preemptive Power Rankings

Just when my liver was recovering from last season, The Bachelorette is back!

the-bachelorette

This season of The Bachelorette will feature two bachelorettes,  Britt and Kaitlyn:

britt kaitlyn

I’m not entirely sure how this is going to work because I refuse to do any background research.  But you know the old saying: two vain and insecure personalities are better than one.

In the meantime, ABC was kind enough to post the bios of the men who are going to be duking it out to get to have a threesome with those two ladies (I assume).  So I figured, hey, these guys are brave and successful enough to put themselves out there on national television… why not take this opportunity to take several unwarranted cheap shots at them?

Here are the cheap shots that made the cut:

Brady

Brady

This guy is impressive because he looks like a homeless version of Macklemore.  That’s right, he makes the guy who is famous for singing about buying clothes at a thrift shop look like he’s well put together.  I wonder what this guy does for a living… “singer-songwriter.”  Oh God now I feel bad, he really might be homeless.

Bradley

Bradley

Bradley’s career is listed as “International Auto Shipper.”  This sounds like a job title you’d see in a poorly translated video game.  “Salutations, I am Bradley. I business in International Auto Shipping.  The shipping is much international.  You to please bringing me money!”  Just admit it, Bradley, you are a car thief.

For his “if you could pick someone else to be for a day” answer he went with Tom Brady.  Yeah, only if you want your balls deflated!  You see, because there is a recent scandal where Tom Brady has been suspended for deflating footballs.

Ryan B

Ryan B

Ryan “rode a bike from Florida to California for a dog rescue.”  Ryan, did you just chase a dog from Florida to California?  There are easier ways to rescue dogs.

JJ

JJ

JJ lists his career as “former investment banker.”  Huh, usually when we see a “former” on this show it is a former athlete.  This guy is a former investment banker.

He says his favorite baseball player is Lou Gehrig. Lou Gehrig is unquestionably one of the all time greats. Over a 17 year career with the Yankees, Gehrig had an OPS over 1.000, he hit 493 home runs, and he invented a famous disease. Curious choice for JJ’s favorite player though, seeing as Gehrig’s final season was 1939. I don’t know how much video of Gehrig playing even exists since he played his entire career before televised games were popularized.

The simplest explanation is likely the correct one. And the simplest explanation here is that JJ is a time traveler. He was an investment banker around the time of the Great Depression, Gehrig’s peak, and through some wacky circumstances he ended up here in 2015. It’ll be a dead giveaway if he does the Charleston and/or the Lindy Hop on the way out of the limousine.

Josh

Josh

Josh’s career is “law student/exotic dancer.”  Hard to figure out which one of those is most indicative of a dangerous coke habit.

Oh, Josh. Josh. We’ve all been there, my friend. We have all been tempted by the siren song of the easy money that exotic dancing offers. We’ve all had the offers just pouring in and we’ve seen the dollar signs dancing in our heads. But you can’t do it, man. You have to think long term!

On the plus side, if Josh sticks around in this competition I get to recycle some Jade jokes.

Joe

Joe

There’s a lot of talk about how this show never gives black contestants much of a chance.  That’s an absolutely accurate criticism.  But I’m excited to see Joe compete because I think he is the first ever Super Mario Brothers Goomba to compete on this show and the more under-represented minorities we can have on this show, the better.

Shawn E

Shawn E

Shawn E lists his career as “amateur sex coach.”

This sounds like a really bad pick-up line.  Not “so bad that it’s good,” either. The type of bad where if he hands you a drink at a party you pour it into the sink when he isn’t looking and get a different one.  The type of bad where you call the police.  The type of bad where this picture will be his Megan’s Law picture.  The type of bad where you will not leave him alone with children or pets.  ABC better hang on to all the footage they have of this guy because they might be getting requests from police departments or the producers of Serial in the not too distant future.

The new season starts on Monday the 18th, see you there.

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