The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week One

The Bachelorette is back

the-bachelorette
Except for my house during Wrestlemania, you will never see so many grown men cry over something where the stakes are so low as you will on this show.

We have TWO bachelorettes this season, Kaitlyn and Britt.

Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn

Britt

Britt

Both women were on the most recent season of the Bachelor and both failed to make the cut and win the prize of moving to Iowa.

Kaitlyn seemed down to Earth and enjoyed making lewd jokes. But Chris felt like she never let her guard down (other than in the dirty joke department).

Britt had Chris’ heart from day 1, but he was concerned when the other girls alerted him that she was a big fat phony and made disparging comments about his hometown of Stupidsville. When she found out he had doubts about her, she had a Hardee’s caliber meltdown

1/3 lb bacon Velveeta patty meltdown, available now at Hardee's everywhere

1/3 lb bacon Velveeta patty meltdown, available now at Hardee’s everywhere

And now she’s here on this show.

Chris Harrison explains that the 25 men who are going to be showing up will choose which girl they want to date, and the winner of their vote stays on the show.  “It might be awkward and a little painful.”  But enough about Chris Harrison’s dancing, let’s get on with the show:

Highlights of the Introductions

-Joshua is a welder from Idaho.  He rattled off a ton of welding puns such as “Sparks are going to fly.”   Bad puns will always get high marks from me.

-Joe claims to be from Kentucky, but his hometown looked oddly familiar

mario goomba

-As he gets out of the limo, JJ tells Kaitlyn “I want to puck you.”  The only thing better than a pun is a dirty pun.  At least I’m assuming it was a pun.  Maybe he has a speech impediment.

-Tony is a “healer.”  He talked like someone doing a Jeff Goldblum impression, but what was great was that he walked out of the limo and gave a whole big spiel about love and spirituality to Britt.  Then he walked over to Kaitlyn and gave her the same spiel word for word.  He had memorized a good sales pitch and he was not going to deviate from it.

-Shawn E, the “amateur sex coach,” pulls up in a hot tub car.  Ryan, the guy who got inappropriately drunk (more on that below), crouches nearby and yells “YOU SUCK!”  Not only was that great because it totally took the wind out of Shawn’s sails, but we need more of that on this show because it is so like life.  Sometimes in life you try to plan everything down to the last detail.  But then there’s a drunk guy yelling at you that you suck from some bushes.  Can you roll with it?  If you can’t, you suck.

Lowlights of the Intros

-This is more of a philosophical objection, but they shouldn’t have told the guys in advance that both Kaitlyn and Britt would be there.  It would have been fun to watch them react to seeing both of them standing there and panic about how to handle it.

-We see a reel of Josh being a law student and a stripper.  This guy has every letter of hepatitis

-Brady is a “singer- songwriter.”  He claims he “spent a little time with the Cardinals.”  Brady was drafted in the 10th round.  He played professionally for three seasons.  He never got above high A ball, where he hit .194 in 42 plate appearances.   Josh from Andi’s season laughs at those accomplishments.  If the embellishment of his baseball career is any indication, I’ve probably made more money from Hamsterdam than he has as a “singer-songwriter.”

Cocktail Party

Because the guys are going to be voting for which woman they want to keep around, it’s a major role reversal because normally the guys are desperate to spend time with the Bachelorette, but now Kaitlyn and Britt are scrambling to spend time with each of the guys to try to win their vote.  The guys split into camps of the guys who preferred Britt vs. the guys who preferred Kaitlyn.

Every year there is somebody who is a little too nervous and they drink a little too much to take the edge off and then they get a little too shouty and shovy.  This year it was a guy named Ryan.  He yelled at the other guys and declared that he was “HORNED UP.”

He stripped and jumped in the pool.  Then started touching Britt’s face and Kaitlyn’s ass.  Some of the guys take the wrong approach, which is calmly lecturing him about how it isn’t cool to grab Kaitlyn’s ass or call them both ho’s.  But a few guys do have the right idea- provoke him so that he makes an ass out of himself even more.  It’s the original rope a dope.  Chris Buzzkill Harrison pulls him aside and sends him away, hopefully to Bachelor in Paradise.

-The guys vote and KAITLYN wins the vote to be the official Bachelorette.  Britt is sent away somewhat unceremoniously.  I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of her.  My theory is that she and all of the kicked off guys will get to go to Loser Island to compete to come back on the show. Afterwards the cocktail party continues more like a normal one on this show:  with the guys desperately throwing themselves at her in an attempt to make a good impression.

One thing of note is that Jared tells Kaitlyn that he was Team Britt but he still wants to stay.  Precedent set, a running theme of this season will be Kaitlyn trying to root out all of Team Britt and eliminate them.

Best Moment:  During the preview for the season they very strongly implied that Kaitlyn bangs one of the guys on the show.  Part of the implication is Kaitlyn saying “we had sex.”  Kaitlyn, this isn’t ‘Nam.  There are rules!  In reality of course it’s normal to have sex before you get engaged.  But on this show it is an unwritten rule that you only have sex in the fantasy suite, or maybe in the ocean.  If what they teased actually comes to pass, it is going to be amazing to watch people lose their collective minds it.

Worst Moment:  He got kicked off the show, but I really feel that not enough attention was paid to Shawn E. describing himself as an “amateur sex coach.”  He told Britt about how he advises people on the ways to keep anal toys from going into their bowels.  Those were his actual words.  He is giving a woman he just met tips on sex toys and bowels. BUT THIS ISN’T HIS JOB!  It is just something he talks about!  We need to have a national conversation about this guy and why he should be deported.

Running “right reasons” tally:  3.  I feel like Kaitlyn was trolling me at a few points because she stopped JUST short of saying “right reasons” at least twice.

POWER RANKINGS

tony

6. Tony (Healer, 35)

Every season needs a healer

JJ

5. JJ (Former Investment Banker, 32)

Still no clue what his current job is.  JJ is making a strong early push to be the guy that we the viewers can rely on to provide good sarcastic commentary.

430.1x1

4.  Jared (Restaurant manager, 26)

Jared’s gimmick of coming up with a super hero named “Love Man” was pretty weak.  But I liked his move of being honest to Kaitlyn that he was #TeamBritt.  It showed initiative and that Love Man might be the hero we need.

joshua

3.  Joshua (Welder, 31)

Welding puns + welding a rose out of metal to give to Kaitlyn definitely melted her heart.  There was a passion between them that was so hot it seemed like you might need to wear special goggles to protect your eyes.

chris

2.  Chris (Dentist, 28)

Chris arrived in a cupcake car.  That alone might be enough to land him in these rankings.  He and Kaitlyn also had instant chemistry and he was one of the few guys to get a first night make out session.  As long as Kaitlyn keeps up with her flossing, they could have a bright future in store this season.

shawn b

1. Shawn B (Personal trainer, 28)

When Shawn got out of the limo and introduced himself to the women, Britt was immediately smitten.  But then he told Kaitlyn that he was there for her.  That’s a boss move.  He got the first impression rose and a first night make out, he’s going places folks.

BOLD PREDICTION: The hunt for #TeamBritt will continue and will intensify.  #TeamBritt members allowed to stay on the show will be branded with scarlet #TB

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s