We pick up where last week’s bullshit cliffhanger left us, with Koopa freaking out
Kupah’s meltdown continues, now with his suspenders hanging around his ankles. Kaitlyn hears him yelling and goes outside and asks him to stop yelling. And then he leaves. We had a cliffhanger for THAT? I’ve seen more exciting meltdowns at sewing circles. That’s right, I watch a lot of sewing circles.
The next day, the men are awakened by two sumo wrestlers banging on a gong. I don’t know where they are going with this, but I’m positive it will be ethnically sensitive and will contain no stereotypical jokes whatsoever.
Six guys have to sumo wrestle each other and two sumo champions. Kaitlyn is an awful sadist. This isn’t a date at all. It is just watching the guys degrade themselves and risk bodily injury. Can I get a walking around date? What about a date where you actually talk to the guys?
The guys get tossed around like rag dolls while Kaitlyn laughs and only focuses on the fact that their butts and balls are hanging out of their sumo diapers. Tony the healer must have suffered a concussion because he keeps saying that he has the “heart of a warrior and spirit of a gypsy.” He angrily asks Kaitlyn why all of the dates have to involve violence. The guy who keeps using the word “gypsy” is making sense. That is how screwed up things are right now.
JJ, ever on the lookout for trolling opportunities, tells Tony to lighten up and Tony gets pissed off and almost fights him. Tony decides to sit out the rest of the date and leave the show. Point: JJ.
Shawn B. gets the group date rose.
-Ben Z gets a one on one date planned by Chris Harrison. When I heard them say that, I thought to myself “Maybe he’ll actually plan a normal date.” NOPE, they arrive in a weird building where Chris Harrison locks them in a torture chamber. I thought Kaitlyn was into some weird shit but Chris Harrison makes her look like a nun.
Oh. Ok. So normally this is just a torture chamber that makes the Saw movies seem like a walk in the park, but Chris Harrison went the extra mile and added animals that Ben and Kaitlyn are afraid of (snakes and birds, respectively) His novel is going to be the most screwed up thing ever.
They escape before Chris Harrison’s plan is complete. At dinner later, Ben tells her that he has had a hard time showing emotion since his mom passed away when he was a teenager. He has not cried in 11 years. Chris Harrison is going to accept that challenge. Ben gets the rose.
-On the final group date, Kaitlyn takes six guys not to a torture chamber but to an elementary school. Which can be like a torture chamber if you are a DORK!
“Sex and physical chemistry is really important.” -Kaitlyn, at the outset of the date. So no better way to see if you have physical chemistry than to surround yourself with 20 grade schoolers!
Kaitlyn tells the guys that they have to teach the kids about sex and puberty, but secretly reveals that the kids are child actors and are there to ask embarrassing questions, such as “how many sex positions are there?”, “what happens during a girl’s period?”, and “is it normal to have all of your dates involve humiliating people?”
Ben H gets the rose after making out with Kaitlyn the hardest to teach the kids about heavy petting.
-Back at the house, Clint and JJ have a real romance developing. It starts with what seems like edited innuendo, but then they start talking about showering together and exchange offers of oral sex. I’m not sure if it was just sarcastic joking or if ABC is trying to plant the seeds for the first gay bachelor.
More importantly than how often they’ve done it in the shower and how often Chris Harrison watched through a keyhole, though, is that they have deemed themselves “the villains.” They have entered into a troll alliance and want to eliminate “the boys” from the house.
Word of JJ and Clint acting like assholes gets back to Kaitlyn because it seems like the other 13 guys in the house all snitch to her that JJ and Clint are meanies.
Kaitlyn decides to confront them and we get ANOTHER cliffhanger.
Best Moment: Kaitlyn called out Clint for not talking to her much on the group date. Between that and the fact that his focus shifted to JJ, I figured Clint was a goner. But he told Kaitlyn that the sumo wrestlers caused him to temporarily lose his balls when they grabbed him and threw him out of the ring. That was a nice recovery. It’s too bad all the snitching is probably going to get him kicked out anyway.
Worst Moment: My DVR’s rewind function wasn’t working during the sex ed segment. I was learning so much but I’m sure there is valuable information I missed because I couldn’t go back and re-watch.
Running “right reasons” tally: 6
6. Joshua (Welder, 31)
He didn’t get much face time with Kaitlyn, but it’s clear she appreciated his snitching on the villains.
5. Ben Z (Entrepreneur, 26)
He’s moving into the contender category, but I don’t think there was quite enough pop on the one on one date to put him higher yet. Maybe if he had showed some emotion when he was surrounded by snakes and the disembodied voice of Chris Harrison started shouting his deceased mother’s name. But no.
4. Ben H (Software Salesman, 26)
Ben made a big move this week. He incorporated Kaitlyn into his sex presentation to the young children. [Yes, this episode did in fact air on a broadcast network and not Cinemax] Then later he did a power make out and won the group date rose. As long as he keeps educating Kaitlyn/kids in the ways of love, he is going to be a contender.
3. Shawn B (Personal trainer, 28)
He said “I’m falling for you” in week 3 and Kaitlyn enjoyed it more than she enjoyed watching the men get their asses literally handed to them by the sumo wrestlers.
2. Jared (Restaurant Manager, 26)
Much like Shawn and Ben, Jared made some power moves this week when he pulled Kaitlyn aside. She seems to give extra points to guys who get beat up badly, too.
1. VILLAIN (Villain, 32)
The king stay the king.
BOLD PREDICTION: Next week’s group date will involve the guys participating in a cockfight. JJ will taunt one of the other contestants for getting slashed in the throat.