Once again we are picking up at the end of a cliffhanger. I can’t take much more of this.
Spoiler alert: This episode goes to Manhattan. I got tired of looking for LA pictures.
Kaitlyn is going to confront Clint about the fact that all of the other guys (save JJ) hate him. “When 13 out of 15 guys are feeling the same way about someone, you have to go with your gut.” If only Chris had followed that advice, we would have had Jade as last season’s winner.
Kaitlyn pulls Clint aside and he cannot wait to tell her how close he is with JJ. Kaitlyn wants to talk about their relationship, but he mainly wants to talk about JJ. Kaitlyn sends him home. He goes inside to say goodbye to JJ, and JJ stabs him right in the heart and demands that Clint apologize to all of the guys for ruining their night. That was some Shakespearean tragic shit right there.
“I think both of the Js in his name stand for ‘Judas'” – Clint (or at least what Clint should have said).
Kaitlyn is too distressed from all of the snitching and treachery to have a rose ceremony, so they all get to finally take this show on the road and head to New York City.
-The first group date in New York takes the guys to a rap battle hosted by Doug E. Fresh. A few seasons ago this show had Soulja Boy hosting a rap contest. Now it is Doug E. Fresh. More evidence that ABC is devastating the budget of this show worse than JJ devastated Clint. A rap battle is less violent than Kaitlyn’s previous competitions, but I won’t be surprised if someone gets shot by the end.
In what is surely the whitest (in terms of contestants, audience, and general attitude) rap battle in New York history, the raps include references to boat shoes, The Notebook, Matt Damon, Chris Harrison, and Kate Gosslyn. Hip hop is definitely dead.
Afterwards, Kaitlyn goes to say hi to freakin Ashley from last season, and sees Nick from Andi’s season. If you aren’t familiar with Nick, he finished in second in Andi’s season. She rejected him because he was a brooding weirdo. He reacted very poorly to the rejection and showed up at After the Final Rose to profess his love for her. When she didn’t reciprocate, he called her out for having sex with him in the fantasy suite and went from being a brooding weirdo to a brooding weirdo ahole.
Nick evidently hit Kaitlyn up on social media and ran some really good texting game because Kaitlyn is having a hard time maintaining her composure she is so smitten. Nick wants to join the show. So now he’s a brooding weirdo ahole attention whore. Kaitlyn says she needs to think about it but she makes out with him and strongly implies to the other guys that Nick will be joining, so I think the decision is already made.
I have no illusions about what I am doing with my life. I have spent more hours than I’d care to admit watching this show. I know it’s a sham. But when you see Kaitlyn be 100% more excited to see Nick than she is about any of the guys on the show…it seems like even ABC is admitting that it is a sham.
Justin gets the group date rose but let’s be honest, that rose isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. Nick really got the group date rose.
-Kaitlyn says she needs to think things through, so she goes to get her hair cut. By CRAZY ASHLEY!
Who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to give her scissors? And who would go to her for advice? “After talking to Ashley, I’m more confused than ever” says Kaitlyn. I agree. But I would subscribe to a channel that is just a live camera of Ashley’s barbershop where she dispenses advice.
Ultimately Kaitlyn decides that she’d have regrets if she didn’t let Nick stay on the show and they make out some more. I feel sorry for whatever poor bastard has a one on one date next…
-The next date belongs to Jared. They are heading to the Metropolitan Museum of Art at night when it is closed so they have it all to themselves. They will be checking out an exhibit featuring paintings of women who are on dates but are preoccupied with another man.
Jared reads her a sappy poem, he gets the rose, and then the date audibles into a HELICOPTER DATE around New York.
Ostensibly that went well, but part of definitely felt like a pity rose because she felt bad that she was fantasizing about Nick all night.
-Finally we get a group date where five guys head to a theater where they have to do a Broadway-style audition for the right to have a scene in Aladdin with Kaitlyn.
Chris the dentist wins the audition, so they perform for 3 seconds on stage and then leave, much like Nick in the fantasy suite, am I right?!
Chris gets the rose
-Rather than get a rose ceremony, we get another cliffhanger as Nick is arriving at the hotel. All of these cliffhangers are giving me anxiety. I wanted to go to my pharmacist to see if he could help me out, but I lost track of where he parks his van.
Best Moment: Doug E. Fresh got a paycheck this week.
Worst Moment: Nick say “that wasn’t un-fun” after the make out. Everything about this guy is phony and unlikeable. Especially his face.
Running “right reasons” tally: 6
Weekly Brady and Britt update: Brady still sucks at baseball
Rant: This show used to have a structure. Dates, cocktail party, rose ceremony. That was the traditional structure. But things are changing. Rose ceremonies at the start of the show, cliffhangers every week, even a week without any rose ceremonies! The traditions of this show that have stood the test of time are being eroded. Kaitlyn may think that she can just redefine what is “normal,” but this is not normal! Chris Harrison needs to stand up against this rather than celebrating it.
6. JJ (Brutus, 32) All the hoopla with Nick really managed to overshadow JJ this week. I think he’ll stick around but he is going to have to start villing pretty hard to stay in this. There’s a risk that with Clint gone his motivation to stay on the show might be gone.
5. Joshua (Welder, 31) Josh didn’t get much one on one time with Kaitlyn. Actually, come to think of it…not many people did. The first group date went off the rails when Nick showed up and the second one sent most of the guys home after a short audition. What a strange week. In any event, Josh has built up some capital, I think he’s still in this thing.
4. Shawn B (Personal trainer, 28) Much like Joshua, he didn’t do much this week (except murder Justin in a rap battle), but he’s here because of prior momentum.
3. Chris (Street rat, 28) Chris impressed Kaitlyn with his Broadway acting chops. For all four weeks he has really appealed to Kaitlyn’s desire to find a guy who is all about having fun and doesn’t care how stupid he looks or how badly he gets beaten up. In other words, he is prepared to go over, sideways, and under on her magic carpet ride.
2. Jared (Restaurant Manager, 26) I figured Jared was done for when he had to go on a date with Kaitlyn moments after she had made out with Nick, but he managed to salvage it with his cheesy poetry and a helicopter ride that he had nothing to do with. Other than Nick he is the only guy you can say made progress towards the final rose tonight.
1. Nick (New Villain, 34) Nick dominated this episode in a way that few have ever dominated anything. He showed up and completely derailed everything that came afterwards. Kaitlyn was clearly more smitten with him than she is with any of the actual contestants on the show. If that doesn’t get someone the top spot, nothing will. He has a bulls-eye on his back now…literally if Kaitlyn has anything to say about it.
BOLD PREDICTION: Kaitlyn encouraging the guys to act violently against each other will back fire when they decide to team up and beat Nick to death