The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week 5

Another week, another cliffhanger.  I guess this is just the world we live in now.  We begin this week still in New York

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Nick finally arrives at the hotel room and gets an icier reception than Elsa meeting the Troll King! [I’ve never seen Frozen]

Tanner says to Nick: “We’ve all read the tabloids, we know you were hanging out with Andi.”  Tanner, I appreciate your intel, but please don’t assume that we all read the tabloids.  Also, Tanner, let’s talk later about those photos of Kanye and Kim on page 4.  None of the guys are buying what Nick has to say, they prefer to believe the tabloids.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony are at Citi Field.  Jesus, these guys are stressed out and miserable and you send them to the home of the New York Mets? This could only get more depressing if there was a photo montage of all of their dead childhood pets on the jumbotron.

No one notable goes home at the rose ceremony, so they hit the road to San Antonio.

san antonio

San Antonio is the home of the Alamo, the site of a famous massacre.  On that note…

-Ben H. gets the first one-on-one.  They are they are going to the oldest dance hall in Texas to enter a two-step competition.

Texas two-stepping isn’t easy, and they struggle. They look stupid and get eliminated early, but they had a lot of fun and that’s what it’s all about, right?

NO, it is all about winning!- Kaitlyn, probably.  Some old lady says “relationships are a lot like dancing.”  I agree, they work a lot better when both people are drunk.

Ben gets the rose.

-10 guys on a group date

They meet up with a mariachi band and the guys have to each perform a song for Kaitlyn. And because it is Kaitlyn, she is going to make them also perform in front of a large crowd.

The guys’ performances ranged from the charmingly pitiful to the downright offensive. Nick goes last and of course he decides to one-up everyone by taking Kaitlyn up to a balcony to serenade her above everyone else. Nick had a terrible singing voice, but he belted it out and made a dick joke, so the king stay the king.

Later, Joshua decides he is going to let Kaitlyn cut his hair. And she butchers it. She basically shaved one side of his head and didn’t touch the other side.

mattingly

Nick goes for the opposite approach, which is just making out with her.

Joshua, now with less hair, pulls Kaitlyn aside and says that his “intuition” is that Nick is not here for the RIGHT REASONS.

Kaitlyn wants everyone to be over “the Nick issue.” Translation: Nick is clearly the frontrunner and everyone needs to stop bitching about him. She calls out Joshua in front of the group and no one backs him up.

Then Nick gets the group date rose.

Lesson learned, Joshua

-Shawn gets the next one-on-one date.

They are going on a KAYAKING AROUND date. Shawn considers going after Nick, but he decides to learn the lessons of Joshua’s mistakes and not spend all of his time talking about some fucking guy named Nick. He decides to focus on the positive and tell her the story of how he was in a gruesome car accident that nearly killed him several times. Then he says “I’m falling in love with you.”

Kaitlyn says “I’m feeling the same way.”

surprise

I did not see that coming.  Shawn gets the rose.  That’s how you take down Nick, Joshua.

Cocktail Party

Ian is one of those contestants who hasn’t done much to stand out so far.  The most notable thing he’s done is claim to have a good singing voice and then totally bomb at the only two singing themed group dates.

In his own words, Ian went to Princeton, he’s a former model, he defied death, and he’s been around the world several times.  He thinks he deserves more.  Ian feels like girls are usually pursuing him, and Kaitlyn isn’t pursuing him, so he wants out. He gets tired of watching her making out with the other guys while he is getting no time.  He thinks he’d do better as the bachelor.  Of course, it doesn’t take a degree from Princeton to see it’d be more fun to be the bachelor getting chased by 25 women vs. being one of 25 schlubs chasing the bachelorette.

He can see this is going no where, so it is time to get out the flamethrower.

He says it doesn’t work for him that she’s attracted to guys that make fart jokes and quote movies liberally.

anchorman

“I feel like you are here to just make out with a bunch of dudes on TV. I don’t question Nick’s intentions, I question yours.  I see you as a surface level person.”

The episode ends at that point because Kaitlyn had to be taken to the burn unit.  Princeton has never been prouder.

POWER RANKINGS

Shawn, Nick, Jared, Ben H, JJ, Cupcake

chris

6. Chris (Dentist, 28)

Chris literally only had 1-2 lines this week so he drops in the rankings.  Other dudes are making big moves, does he have what it takes to stay in the game?  Probably not.

JJ

5. JJ (Villain, 32)

I miss JJ as a villain.  I’m putting him here in the hopes that he starts villing, or becomes Nick’s sidekick.

Ben H

4. Ben H (Software Salesman, 26)

He’s had a few strong date performances in a row so I think he’s a dark horse, but he is still not on the level of the top contenders.

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3. Jared (Restaurant Manager, 26)

Didn’t get a ton of air time this week, but he made the most of it by telling her he loves her and making out with her on a bed.  There’s a lot of separation from the top contenders and the rest of the pack, and Jared is definitely in the top contenders group.

Nick V

2. Nick (Villain, 34)

Nick just vills circles around guys like Joshua and it is actually impressive.  He watches the other guys lose their minds when he shows up, but he keeps his cool and just slowly undermines them by not overreacting when they self-destruct.  If it wasn’t for the contract she had with ABC, I’m pretty sure Kaitlyn would strongly consider leaving the show with him.

shawn b

1.  Shawn (Kayak salesman, 28)

It is really difficult to knock Nick out of the top spot, but Shawn found a way with the love bomb and opening up with the story of his car accident.  Like Joshua he was really upset and angry that Nick showed up, but unlike Joshua he kept his cool and focused on Kaitlyn. And it paid off.

BOLD PREDICTION:   After Ian finishes torching Kaitlyn and leaves, he will be stopped outside by Chris Harrison.  He will then deliver a Princeton-caliber soliloquy that will devastate Chris Harrison so badly that he will pull his book off the shelves.

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